Every day your memory grows dimmer
It doesn’t haunt me like it did before
I’ve been walking through the mirror to nowhere
Tryin’ to get to heaven before they close the door
– Bob Dylan

These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen.

PATRIOTS AT BUCCANEERS – Patriots 19, Buccaneers 14

BILLS AT BENGALS – Bills 27, Bengals 13

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – Eagles 30, Cardinals 23

JAGUARS AT STEELERS – Steelers 32, Jaguars 14

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Titans 23, Dolphins 20

CHARGERS AT GIANTS – Chargers 24, Giants 21

49ers AT COLTS – Colts 22, 49ers 19

JETS AT BROWNS – Browns 34, Jets 3

PANTHERS AT LIONS – Lions 25, Panthers 17

RAVENS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 35, Ravens 25

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Rams 31, Seahawks 20

PACKERS AT COWBOYS – Packers 41, Cowboys 40

CHIEFS AT TEXANS – Chiefs 24, Texans 23

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Vikings 27, Bears 17

This column is sponsored by my right to own a tank. 

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