It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
The Cleveland Browns are in first place, so I am afraid of the Apocalypse. I called the government, but they are afraid too. They have shut down.
Also, the Cleveland Indians are in the playoffs. I did not expect the Apocalypse so soon. The Pittsburgh Steelers are 0-4, while the Pittsburgh Pirates are in the playoffs. You do the math. 1 + 1 = Apocalypse.
I am so sure of this, I am going to party like it’s 1999, which, coincidentally, is the year the “new” Cleveland Browns were born. And now the entire government has run to their underground bunkers in undisclosed locations because they can hear four horsemen riding into town. One is riding a Denver Bronco.
For it is only Peyton Manning who could possibly derail this wonderful Apocalyptic vision of mine.
The world is ending
What I am saying is, If the Cleveland Indians meet the Pittsburgh Pirates in the World Series, don’t buy green bananas. If this is actually the Apocalypse, as any Cleveland fan can only hope, then Brian Hoyer will continue to perform miracles. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
RAYS AT INDIANS – Danny Salazar throws a perfect game. Everybody on the team hits two home runs. Indians 20, Rays 0
BILLS AT BROWNS – Brian Hoyer is the best quarterback in NFL history, and perhaps the greatest human born in the last 2013 years. Browns 30, Bills 10
RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill is not a franchise quarterback. He is a quarterback on a franchise. Ravens 27, Dolphins 17
JAGUARS AT RAMS – Excuse me, my body makes those noises sometimes. You may want to breathe in the other direction. Rams 3, Jaguars 2.
CHIEFS AT TITANS – Whenever I can root for a quarterback from Harvard, I do. Titans 20, Chiefs 17
EAGLES AT GIANTS – This is the Lone Ranger movie of the NFL, a high budget once-upon-a-time hyped-up disaster of a show. Somebody’s got to play well and win. Nobody plays well for the Giants. Eagles 30, Giants 20
SEAHAWKS AT COLTS – This game is about Russell Wilson versus Andrew Luck. The other players do not count and should just stay home. That mean you, Trent Richardson. Colts 24, Seahawks 21
SAINTS AT BEARS – I love the Saints this year, but they will not go undefeated. A road game in Chicago after a short week equals a bump in the road. Bears 26, Saints 24
PATRIOTS AT BENGALS – My logic is simple. The Browns beat the Bengals last week. So if the Bengals beat the Patriots, the Browns are better than the Patriots no matter what happens afterward. Bengals 24, Patriots 21
LIONS AT PACKERS – Gentleman, start the scoreboard. Packers 47, Lions 44
PANTHERS AT CARDINALS – This will feature a bad Cam Newton game, and more than one Larry Fitzgerald touchdown. Cardinals 23, Panthers 13
BRONCOS AT COWBOYS – If Peyton Manning wasn’t superhuman, this would have the makings of a Broncos letdown game. Broncos 42, Cowboys 30
TEXANS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick tweets from the huddle, and has his best game of the season. 49ers 27, Texans 12
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – This game is expected to be over by sunrise on the East Coast, but Walter White is out of business. How am I to stay awake? Philip Rivers has a great game, like you read about. Which I will, in the morning. Chargers 31, Raiders 21
JETS AT FALCONS – Matty Melting Ice should be Matt Ryan’s nickname. You can just call Geno Smith, “quarterback of the Jets,” and yes, that’s an insult. Falcons 31, Jets 13
BYE AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson’s daughter tells him that she is now a Browns fan.
BYE AT STEELERS – Toothbrush sales have gone up. Nothing else to do on Sundays any more, so Steelers fans have a new hobby, brushing their tooth.
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Greg Schiano explains that the NSA leaked information about Josh Freeman for national security reasons.
BYE AT REDSKINS – Congress unanimously agrees that it is more concerned with the health of RGIII’s knee than it is with America’s health.
This column is sponsored by Albert Belle.