Keep it down now
– Til Tuesday
These Week 5 NFL picks would have gotten to speak in this house earlier, but my Volkswagen diesel needed gas. Then I ate some beans and I had gas.
That’s how I became the speaker of this house. Now you will listen to me. As the speaker of this house, I understand that you will not do what I ask. Being ridiculed or ignored is how I am always treated when I speak in this house.
But you will at least listen to what I say before you begin calling me names.
You won’t? You didn’t? You called me that?
That’s why I am the speaker of the house, and you are over there on the couch. I’ve been called much worse. Ask the person sitting next to you. That person really hates me.
But I don’t care anymore. For the next month at least, I’m the guy in charge of whatzgonnahappen.
COLTS AT TEXANS –Ryan Mallett to the bench. Brian Hoyer to the rescue. Andrew Luck to the doctor. Texans 20, Colts 13
JAGUARS AT BUCCANEERS – This is just a wild guess, but neither one of these quarterbacks will ever be fitted for a yellow jacket. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 20
BILLS AT TITANS – The more games Rex Ryan’s teams play, the less exciting his act becomes. Meanwhile, Marcus Mariota is already on his way to being boring good. Titans 21, Bills 17
RAVENS AT BROWNS – Joe Haden intercepts Joe Flacco twice. It is Joe on Joe crime. The Browns, currently averaging one penalty per play, cut that in half. Josh McCown plays like Dan Marino. Browns 32, Ravens 28
REDSKINS AT FALCONS – When is 4-0 not really 4-0? When it wears Falcons uniforms. Redskins 26, Falcons 20
BEARS AT CHIEFS – Good Jay Cutler start this game, until bad Jay Cutler gets sacked numerous times. Chiefs 30, Bears 20
SAINTS AT EAGLES – I don’t trust either of these teams, but I trust Drew Brees a lot more than Sam Bradford. Saints 25, Eagles 16
RAMS AT PACKERS – Say this three times: Touchdown pass, Aaron Rodgers! Packers 30, Rams 16
SEAHAWKS AT BENGALS – If this was the playoffs, the Bengals lose. But this is October and the Seahawks don’t look right. Bengals 24, Seahawks 19
CARDINALS AT LIONS – Finish this sentence: The Lions were winning until the last second when… (blank). Cardinals 23, Lions 22.
PATRIOTS AT COWBOYS – Brandon Weeden is a decades old Bill Belichick science project to build the perfect backup quarterback for his team to play against. Patriots 45, Cowboys 6
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr tells Peyton Manning, “My brother could have been better than your brother.” Peyton says, “Los Angeles is south, where you are going.” Broncos 22, Raiders 12
49ers at GIANTS – The 49ers, after last year’s exasperating season, are now in the year of karma. Giants 24, 49ers 10
STEELERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are very vulnerable, but not to a team led by Michael Vick. Chargers 24, Steelers 14
BYE AT PANTHERS – Cam Newton owns the last phone booth on Earth.
BYE AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill visits a hospital full of sick kids, and insults them.
BYE AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater learns to shave.
BYE AT JETS – Ryan Fitzpatrick borrows Joe Namath’s old fur coat.
This column is sponsored by the “Ben Carson Mass Shooting Survival Program,” available exclusively for the next 1 second.