Can’t you see, whoa, can’t you see
What that woman, Lord, she been doin’ to me
– The Marshall Tucker Band
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Madame Secretary, these week 7 NFL picks would like to know where were you when the Cleveland Browns were getting slaughtered every week?
This committee has one goal. We want you to know that we hate you like we hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. We hate you because when you say you are transparent, you are transparently named Clinton.
As you know Ben Roehtlisberger’s uncle’s next door neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s dog is named Clinton, so clearly you are a mastermind of what Roethlisberger has done to the Browns through the years, right?
So you deny it? Wow!
We don’t take this action lightly. There are several dead seasons that you need to answer for, Madame Secretary. And while I am here saying these outrageous things in this completely reasonable voice, let me ask you, when the call came in that the Cleveland Browns needed a quarterback, did you approve of Johnny Manziel?
Madame Secretary, when you suggested the Cleveland Browns select Johnny Manziel, did you know whatzgonnahappen?
SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Fred Jackson drives the Seahawks bus to San Francisco. Once there, the team is thrilled to be off that bus. Seahawks 26, 49ers 19
BILL VS. JAGUARS AT LONDON – “Buffalo versus Jacksonville?” asks Queen Elizabeth. “God, I wish we won that war.” Bills 10, Jaguars 7
BROWNS AT RAMS – Can anyone enter the Dwayne Bowe $9 million lottery? I could do what he does. I am good at doing nothing. Josh McCown continues his MVP season. Browns 12, Rams 11
STEELERS AT CHIEFS – Ben Roethlisberger reads up on Wally Pipp. Landry Jones reads up on Brady Quinn. Steelers 27, Chiefs 22
TEXANS AT DOLPHINS – Before anyone gets a chance to turn Dan Campbell into Don Shula, let me turn Brian Hoyer into, um, last year’s Brian Hoyer. Texans 32, Dolphins 18
JETS AT PATRIOTS – In honor of “Back To The Future” week, Bill Belichick nostalgically starts up his first time machine that he ever cheated with. Of course it was against the Jets. Patriots 31, Jets 21
VIKINGS AT LIONS – The Lions have turned the corner. Around some corners, there could be trouble. Around this corner? Just the Vikings. Lions 25, Vikings 21
FALCONS AT TITANS – Marcus Mariota has been spending too much time in the Heisman House. Falcons 42, Titans 20
BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – The this-is- not-gambling ethical teams at Draft Kings and Fan should offer a bet as to who throws more interceptions in this game. I wildly guess that Winston throws four, and Cousins throws three. That guess took a lot of skill. Redskins 17, Buccaneers 13
SAINTS AT COLTS – Chuck Pagano tries another trick play. This one is called, “Wrap the football in a big red bow and give it to the other team.” He thinks it will confuse the opponents. That is how his coaching career ends. Saints 30, Colts 24
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers continues to prove my theory that he is the second coming of Bernie Kosar. Chargers27, Raiders 17
COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Matt Cassell is better than Brandon Weeden. Do you have a brain? You are also better than Brandon Weeden. Giants 31, Cowboys 20
EAGLES AT PANTHERS – It’s the time of the season for things to start to go awry, and it starts right here. Everything you thought you knew about this NFL season is now challenged Eagles 32, Panthers 17
RAVENS AT CARDINALS – The Ravens are bad. The Cardinals are good. The sun rises in the East, and it sets on Baltimore’s season. Cardinals 50, Ravens 26
BYE AT BEARS – Mike Ditka farts. So goes the Bears season.
BYE AT BENGALS – Marvin Lewis holds his breath for a week.
BYE AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning’s arm joins AARP.
BYE AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers bowls a perfect game.
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This column is sponsored by Joe Biden’s acceptance speech.