It’s no secret is that a friend is someone who lets you help
It’s no secret that a liar won’t believe anyone else
– U2

Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

assange Hilllary brett Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT EAGLES – At halftime, Andre Johnson fights Manny Pacquiao. Eagles 30, Texans 20

SAINTS AT BENGALS – In the reality show language that the Bengals traffic in, the Saints will treat the Bengals like Sarah Palin treats a halibut. Saints 35, Bengals 21

BEARS AT LIONS – When everyone starts saying the Jay Cutler Bears are playing great, they are sure to lose. Lions 24, Bears 17

49ers AT PACKERS – The Mike Singletary post game press conference has Coors Lite commercial written all over it. Packers 50, 49ers 12

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – As an early Christmas present, Charlie Weiss gives Josh McDaniels a Notre Dame tie. Then Romeo Crennel gives McDaniels a Cleveland Browns coffee mug. Afterward, they make plans to watch the Patriots game. Chiefs 31, Broncos 28

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Jake Delhomme sees that the offensive game plane calls for his first three throws to be interceptions. “Get them out of the way early,” says Coach Mangini. Browns 33, Dolphins 22

BILLS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings call on Touchdown Toby Gerhart to run over the Bills. Vikings 28, Bills 19

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – The Wikileaks site revealed that Donovan McNabb is actually a diplomatic spy who spends more time concentrating on espionage than studying the playbook. Giants 25, Redskins 18

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The brilliant Randy Moss left Tom Brady for Rusty Smith. That is a hilarious sentence. Jaguars 21, Titans 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Proclamations that Jason Campbell is the savior were premature. Chargers 33, Raiders 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Karma means losing by a last second field goal. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 21

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson cracks me up. Rams 24, Cardinals 12

COWBOYS AT COLTS – So it’s all over for Peyton Manning, huh? Colts 29, Cowboys 19

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jimmy Clausen plays just well enough to make the Panthers think about passing on Andrew Luck. Good luck with that. Seahawks 27, Panthers 23

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ed Reed intercepts Ben Roethlisberger and scores on the last play of the game. Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Ravens 27, Steelers 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick and Rob Ryan plan to remake all of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movies. Patriots 27, Jets 25

This column is sponsored by Qatar Guitars & Gutters.

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