You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why
– J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie
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I’m Wolf Blitzen, news reindeer, reporting that these Week 16 NFL picks were voted on by the Senate on the morning of Christmas Eve. The key point in the legislation was if you pout, you’ll get gout from Dan Fouts.
Okay, I made that last part up. But Senate Democrats and Joe Lieberman voted to predict this week’s NFL games despite vehement opposition from Republicans – the conservatives who think the Cleveland Browns won’t win by 50 points. Even though the ability to abort losses was taken out of final legislation, President Obama expressed confidence in the process moving forward.
“When the House and Senate reconcile their differences – including whether should there should be a public option to fire Eric Mangini – I believe this legislation will prove to be the first step to providing real adequate health care to the Cleveland Browns organization. In the meantime, I’ve appointed one of the top football health specialists, Mike Holmgren, to the case.”
That’s what happened. Merry Christmas. Here’s whatzgonnahappen.
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CHARGERS AT TITANS – LaDanian Tomlinson watches Chris Johnson with awe. Titans 24, Chargers 21
RAIDERS AT BROWNS – Charlie Frye is sacked five times in the first quarter, but then Derek Anderson throws three interceptions, and Frye answers with a fumble and two interceptions. Yep, Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell have been waiting for this matchup ever since they were both drafted in the same year. Still, Josh Cribbs scores while opening presents. Browns 70, Raiders 20
BILLS AT FALCONS – Here’s a recipe for creating a successful end to a disappointing season – invite the Buffalo Bills to visit. Falcons 38, Bills 17
PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Woody Allen said that 80 percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen is from New York. The Panthers don’t show up. Giants 40, Panthers 10
JAGUARS AT PATRIOTS – Too close for Patriots fans, but there is hope with Tom Brady doing his best Tom Brady impersonation at the end of the game. Patriots 23, Jaguars 17
RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ray Lewis receives all 10 of the top 10 most dangerous toys. I’m surprised Santa went anywhere near Pittsburgh this year. Ravens 22, Steelers 20
SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS – Before each play, someone says, “Did you hear Mike Holmgren joined the Browns?” Packers 36, Seahawks 21
TEXANS AT DOLPHINS – “One of the biggest challenges is not giving up the big play,” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano told the team’s official Web site. But the official Web site did not tell the team. Texans 30, Dolphins 20
BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Can anyone find the NFL definition of “slaughter rule?” Saints 48, Buccaneers 13
CHIEFS AT BENGALS – Cedric Benson runs for 100 yards against the Chiefs defense with his eyes closed. Then he opens them and runs for 100 more. Bengals 29, Chiefs 12
LIONS AT 49ERS – The 49ers will look like a playoff team because the Lions make teams do that. 49ers 31, Lions 10
RAMS AT CARDINALS – If you are the scoreboard operator for the Cardinals, you should ask to get paid by the point. Cardinals 51, Rams 13
BRONCOS AT EAGLES – Former Eagle Brian Dawkins almost intercepts a pass that ends up winning the game for the Eagles. Eagles 24, Broncos 17
JETS AT COLTS – The machine named Peyton Manning is not used to all the extra chances that the rookie named Mark Sanchez gives him. Colts 40, Jets 20
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – New general manager Bruce Allen makes a couple of key tackles. Wait, that’s not how it works. Cowboys 20, Redskins 12
VIKINGS AT BEARS – Brett Favre and Brad Childress exchange presents, leading to a mini-run on coal in Minnesota. The real gifts – plural – come from Jay Cutler. Vikings 29, Bears 21
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‘Twas week 16 in the NFL when just like a fulcrum
Right into Cleveland entered Mike Holmgren
The week before Josh Cribbs acted just like Houdini
But is it enough to save Eric Mangini?
The fans were all nestled in “32” jerseys
Begging Mr. Lerner for cheap tickets and mercy
Dawgpound Mike with his bone, and Big Dawg with his mask
Wanted a dynasty, is that too much to ask?
When down on the field there arose such a clatter
Ah, Quinn’s hurt again – it doesn’t much matter
The team’s going nowhere, the win’s came too late
It’s up to Mike Holmgren to alter the fate
Mangini and Holmgren
The AFC, they will carve
With their common denominator
A QB named Brett Favre
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This column is sponsored by strategic mistletoe.