an altered state<\/a>. Cleveland Browns fans, like German Chancellor Angela Merkel, worry us the most. We at the NSA have already learned the perils of ignoring blind faith.<\/p>\nHave Cleveland Browns fans been tested? For anything? Could Cleveland Browns fans pass any kind of test at all? Do they see what they are rooting for? We at the NSA can’t be the only ones. Seriously, this is a national security issue and that is why we may or may not be looking into every room of Browns fans everywhere.<\/p>\n
Wait a minute.<\/p>\n
Angela Merkel is about to go to the bathroom.<\/p>\n
No, false alarm. She has only went into the bathroom to look at her teeth in the mirror. She had salad earlier. Balsamic dressing. She was worried some leaf was stuck in her teeth, and when she looked she saw lettuce and removed it. To be fair, we don’t know for sure that she was worried about the lettuce in her teeth. We have deduced this based on the preponderance of facts that we do have.<\/p>\n
So remember NFL fans, we are watching you. When they told you in grade school that everything you do goes on your permanent record, they were talking about the NSA. We pretty much know everything about everything. Trust us on these NFL picks. This is exactly whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n
BENGALS AT DOLPHINS \u2013<\/strong> While the Bengals Halloween costume is convincingly that of a contender, the Dolphins should have hard questions for Mike Wallace. Bengals 23, Dolphins 20<\/p>\nFALCONS AT PANTHERS \u2013<\/strong> The Falcons will win some games at some point, so this sort of scares me. But the Panthers are clearly the better team right now. Panthers 29, Falcons 19<\/p>\nVIKINGS AT COWBOYS \u2013<\/strong> Dez Bryant intensely implores his team to \u201cignore me and just play football!\u201d Positive guy. Cowboys 41, Vikings 23<\/p>\nSAINTS AT JETS \u2013<\/strong> The Jets were still giving up points in the middle of the week, but I think they rise to the level of mediocre against a traveling Saints squad. Saints 27, Jets 20.<\/p>\nTITANS AT RAMS \u2013<\/strong> The Rams defense was very impressive Monday night. The Titans offense is not impressive. Rams 16, Titans 13<\/p>\nCHIEFS AT BILLS \u2013<\/strong> A red balloon bursts in Buffalo. Bills 23, Chiefs 20<\/p>\nCHARGERS AT REDSKINS \u2013 Brandon Meriweather does not understand Karma. Yet. Chargers 37, Redskins 36<\/p>\n
EAGLES AT RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> Nick Foles is rusty. Terrell Pryor replicates the Ohio State band walking like a dinosaur, and then scores his first touchdown of the day. Raiders 24, Eagles 17<\/p>\nBUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS \u2013<\/strong> The Golden Tate wave was awesome. Pete Carroll said he should conduct himself like a professional, and Tate said he won’t do it again. Pete’s right. Tate shouldn’t it again. But that was hilarious. I hope he does it again. Seahawks 40, Buccanneers 20<\/p>\nRAVENS AT BROWNS \u2013<\/strong> Joe Flacco, Super Bowl MVP, versus Jason Campbell, two-time backup to Brandon Weeden, is no contest. Campbell clearly outplays Flacco, who is harassed all day by Barkevious Mingo, because his is the coolest name in the NFL. It sounds like the name of a mascot. Browns 22, Ravens 16<\/p>\nSTEELERS AT PATRIOTS \u2013<\/strong> Tom Brady calls Bernie Kosar and asks, \u201cWhat does Bill mean by diminishing skills?\u201d Kosar replies, \u201cIn this case, he means the Steelers.\u201d Patriots 26, Steelers 17<\/p>\nCOLTS AT TEXANS \u2013<\/strong> Trap game for the Colts. Texans 24, Colts 17<\/p>\nBEARS AT PACKERS \u2013<\/strong> Josh McCown has money on the Packers. No, he’s not throwing the game to gamblers. He’s simply observant. Packers 41, Bears 20<\/p>\nBYE AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> Losing at halftime, but come back to tie it.<\/p>\nBYE AT BRONCOS \u2013<\/strong> Touchdown. Touchdown. Touchdown. Touchdown. Commercial. Touchdown. Call Dad. Touchdown. Tease little brother. Touchdown. Touchdown.<\/p>\nBYE AT LIONS \u2013<\/strong> Did one play change the fortunes of this franchise? It almost feels like it did.<\/p>\nBYE AT JAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> Team slogan: Our uniforms look like little boy pajamas.<\/p>\nBYE AT GIANTS \u2013<\/strong> Bye. Bye.<\/p>\nBYE AT 49ers \u2013<\/strong> Colin Kaepernick gets a tattoo of his tattoos.<\/p>\n—<\/p>\n
This column is sponsored by the Zen of David Ortiz.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Every breath you take Every move you make – The Police — Cleveland Browns fan Angela Merkel is now making her Week 9 NFL Picks. We at the NSA hear everything the German Chancellor says. Do you want to know what she thinks about Brandon Weeden? Let us, your weirdly anonymous government overseer \u2013 think…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[104],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1002"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1002"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1002\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1005,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1002\/revisions\/1005"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1002"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1002"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1002"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}