Silence is the enemy, Against your urgency
\nSo rally up the demons of your soul<\/em>
\n– Green Day –<\/p>\n

These 2009 NFL predictions are my ANGRY GUY<\/a> call to stop Obama’s evil plot to ruin America. I won’t let Obama ruin America this NFL season like he did last year when he let the Pittsburgh Steelers become champions.<\/p>\n

Obama’s communist plan for the 2009 NFL season proves he doesn’t care about health care for my grandma, who is a Cleveland Browns fan and currently deceased. Instead he made Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, into an ambassador and now he wants to give health care to Green Bay Packers fans. Imagine, all those cheeseheads! How do you cure that?<\/p>\n

Look at me! Don’t you ignore me, you bastard, you son of a bitch, you Lions fan. That’s right, I called you a Lions fan. What are you gonna do about it? Do you think it’s funny? So now I’m a funny guy, huh?<\/p>\n

No, I will not show you any manners! What do you think, this is grade school? You ruined everything! You turned my team into one of the laughing stocks of the league, our coach is more secretive than Dick Cheney, our quote-unquote star player is a knucklehead with bad hands, and you want me to show some manners?<\/p>\n

I’ll show you something better.\u00a0 I’ll show you that I won’t let Obama ruin America because we the people who cheer control whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

AFC<\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST<\/strong>
\nPATRIOTS <\/strong>\u2013\u00a0 It’s tough to find a weakness other than one fragile globe-trotting knee often seen next to a supermodel. The defensive front is loaded, Randy Moss will be otherworldly, and a Canton, Ohio sculptor is drawing up plans for a bronze hoodie. 12-4<\/p>\n

DOLPHINS<\/strong> \u2013 Joey Porter, who had a dog that once ate a horse, and Jason Taylor, who appeared on Dancing with the Stars, will tackle opposing quarterbacks from two ends of the spectrum. 10-6<\/p>\n

BILLS<\/strong> \u2013 Trent Edwards received sympathy cards from Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia. By game 6, the T.O. Show features a Trent Edwards dartboard and a T.O. board game called Diminishing Skills. 7-9
\nJETS<\/strong> \u2013 Mark Sanchez will have a successful season on the covers of Vogue and Vanity Fair, but most Jets fans don’t read those magazines. If they want happy news, they should start to. 2-14<\/p>\n

NORTH<\/strong>
\nBROWNS<\/strong> \u2013 Lebron and Shaq play for the Browns. Eric Mangini’s other players hate him more after each win, adding to lots of hate. Jerome Harrison scores touchdowns. Shaun Rodgers singlehandedly wins both Steelers games. 16-0
\nSTEELERS<\/strong> \u2013 Ben Roethlisberger’s career features a huge off-season distraction every other year meaning in two years he could be implicated in almost any stupid thing, so I pick puppy slavery. 10-6
\nBENGALS <\/strong>\u2013 To show he’s serious about discipline this year, Marvin Lewis moves the keg two feet away from the stripper pole. 9-7
\nRAVENS<\/strong> \u2013 Rex Ryan is gone, Bart Scott is gone and Ray Lewis gets\u00a0 help sleeping from Michael Jackson’s doctor. Plus Joe Flacco is a sophomore looking for a slump. 4-12<\/p>\n

SOUTH<\/strong>
\nCOLTS<\/strong> \u2013 Jim Caldwell is a smart rookie head coach to choose Peyton Manning as his quarterback. Caldwell will win one championship and this could be the year. 14-2
\nTITANS<\/strong> \u2013 Vince Young says he’s going to the Hall of Fame when he retires. I wonder if he’ll buy his ticket online or at the door. 10-6
\nTEXANS<\/strong> \u2013 Mario Williams will be defensive player of the year but brittle Matt Schaub will finish the season watching his backup, Rex Grossman, do a tease-and-torture job on a new set of fans. 8-8
\nJAGUARS<\/strong> \u2013 David Garrard holds a meet and greet with his receivers but after meeting Terry Holt, he doesn’t like who has has to greet. 6-10<\/p>\n

WEST<\/strong>
\nBRONCO<\/strong>S \u2013 It’s not that Josh McDaniels doesn’t like his own dog, but if Bill Belichick ever decides to trade his loyal backup dog, McDaniels pooch will be in a Chicago shelter in no time. 10-6
\nCHARGERS <\/strong>\u2013 As LaDanian Tomlinson fades to average, Philip Rivers value becomes as obvious as the subject of a Shawne Merriman and Manny Ramirez hypothetical conversation. 9-7
\nRAIDERS<\/strong> \u2013 Al Davis spends halftime of every game deciding not to fire Tom Cable but late in the season he loses the argument with himself. 7-8
\nCHIEFS<\/strong> \u2013 Matt Cassell likes handing off to Larry Johnson a lot more than he likes throwing to Dwayne Bowe. 4-12<\/p>\n

NFC<\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST
\nEAGLES<\/strong> \u2013 Donovan McNabb has rookie weapons and now, with Michael Vick around, someone to siphon off his boos. 11-5
\nGIANTS <\/strong>\u2013 Eli Manning uses his big contract money to build an Eli Manning robot so he, the real Eli, can sit in the stands with his father and watch himself play. And you thought money can’t buy happiness. 10-6
\nREDSKINS<\/strong> \u2013 Albert Haynesworth is asked by President Obama to bail out the next company that goes belly up. But Haynesworth has enough on his plate trying to bail out the Redskins. 7-9
\nCOWBOYS<\/strong> \u2013 Wade Philips is rejected by Mensa International, so he applies to clown school. Jerry Jones writes his recommendation. 5-11<\/p>\n

NORTH<\/strong>
\nVIKINGS<\/strong> \u2013 Every Tuesday during the season, Brett Favre will issue a statement that he is considering coming out of retirement. Tarvaris Jackson lets Adrian Peterson issue the Sunday statements. 12-4
\nPACKERS <\/strong>\u2013 When Aaron Rodgers has his first injury, Brett Favre will put a floater out about coming back to Green Bay. 10-6
\nLIONS<\/strong> \u2013 Even though the Matthew Stafford was the number one draft pick, Brett Favre tells people he’d love to play for the Lions when they play the Packers. 6-10
\nBEARS<\/strong> \u2013 Brett Favre transplanted his brain into Jay Cutler’s empty head so that a brain scan shows a Fun-house mirror warped image of narcissistic self-reflection. 3-13<\/p>\n

SOUTH<\/strong>
\nSAINTS<\/strong> \u2013 Reggie Bush has something in common with Gale Sayers after all \u2013 a bad knee. Sheesh, Archie Griffin was a better pro. 9-7
\nPANTHERS<\/strong> \u2013 Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith are older in that savvy veteran liable-to-be-injured way. 8-8
\nFALCONS<\/strong> \u2013 As Michael Turner’s carries are limited, so is Matt Ryan’s success. 7-9
\nBUCCANEERS <\/strong>\u2013 Luke McCown, Byron Leftwich and Josh Freeman walk into a bar and find Raheem Morris bitching to the bartender about his quarterback situation. 5-11<\/p>\n

WEST<\/strong>
\nCARDINALS<\/strong> \u2013 Beanie Wells is All-Disabled-List, which is different than Larry Fitzgerald, who is All Pro. 10-6
\nSEAHAWKS<\/strong> \u2013 Matt Hasselbeck gets off on the wrong foot with new receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh by calling the whosyermamma play one time too many. 8-8
\n49ERS<\/strong> \u2013 Michael Crabtree holds out until week 12 and then spends his entire signing bonus on mirrors. 6-10
\nRAMS <\/strong>\u2013 The saddest show on turf. 2-14<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
\nEAGLES OVER VIKINGS<\/strong><\/p>\n

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
\nBROWNS OVER COLTS<\/strong><\/p>\n

SUPERBOWL
\nBROWNS OVER EAGLES<\/strong><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by Roger Goodell’s dog.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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