<\/a><\/p>\nLook, by the time I make these picks I’m going to know more about football than Vince Lombardi knew about knitting. People who I pay – a lot of money, by the way – tell me that I am the smartest person they know and that I know more about the NFL than anyone. Not to be a braggart, but I am probably the greatest person who has ever lived.<\/p>\n
I go to church. I don’t really pray to God. I more talk to Him. Give Him advice. I told God that he really screwed up with the aardvark, and I asked how could a guy create both marijuana and Josh Gordon. Not fair, I said, especially for a guy who also created the Cleveland Browns.<\/p>\n
Turns out that God is a woman. So, yeah, you should have seen Her face when She told me Whatzgonnahappen.
\nBRONCOS AT CHIEFS –<\/strong> So it’s early in the season for me to post my Thursday predictions two days later. It works so well, I may move this whole column to Tuesday after all the games. Broncos 31, Chiefs 24<\/p>\nTEXANS AT PANTHERS –<\/strong> So Ryan Mallet is the savior now? That’s just so cute. Panthers 24, Texans 10<\/p>\nBUCCANEERS AT SAINTS –<\/strong> The Saints defense makes Jameis Winston look like a legitimate NFL quarterback for a drive. Drew Brees is a real NFL quarterback for the whole game. Saints 31, Buccaneers 13<\/p>\n49ers AT STEELERS –<\/strong> Vernon Davis is not Rob Gronkowski, and the Steelers are most likely not in a friendly mood. Here’s hoping that the 49ers coaches enjoy listening to the Steelers radio broadcast of the game. Steelers 29, 49ers 10<\/p>\nLIONS AT VIKINGS –<\/strong> Like a bridge over troubled water, I believe in the pathetic Lions more than I believe in Teddy Glovehand. Lions 20, Vikings 12<\/p>\nPATRIOTS AT BILLS<\/strong> – Bill Belichick hopes that Jim McNally remembers how to use the secret electromagnetic gamma ray gun. McNally says it is broken. Bill, looking at Rex Ryan, vows revenge. Tyrod Taylor gives the Patriots defense nightmares for what could be their only loss this year. The electromagnetic gamma ray gun will be fixed. Bills 27, Patriots 17.<\/p>\nCARDINALS AT BEARS –<\/strong> Many people think the Cardinals are something like an elite team. I think they are more like the Cardinals Even if they get on a roll, it doesn’t start this week. The season has no rhythm yet, so the Bears are liable to win. Bears 27, Cardinals 16<\/p>\nTITANS AT BROWNS –<\/strong> “My Heisman Trophy is bigger than yours.” While Marcus Mariota looked like Bart Starr in his first game, and Johnny Manziel’s career has looked more like Bart Simpson, this is Johnny’s breakout five-touchdown game. Browns 35, Titans 20<\/p>\nCHARGERS AT BENGALS –<\/strong> These are two classic early season powerhouses. If it’s early in the season, these teams are great. This is a playoff game that doesn’t count, but if the playoffs were held right now. Ha! Chargers 31, Bengals 30<\/p>\nRAMS AT REDSKINS –<\/strong> Robert Griffin III has a bad game holding the clipboard. Horrible performance. Two fumbles, and an interception by Colt McCoy. Rams 27, Redskins 10<\/p>\nFALCONS AT GIANTS –<\/strong> The Falcons have been wanting to be a powerhouse for a few years. Maybe Dan Quinn is the one to get them there. Falcons 29, Giants 22<\/p>\nRAVENS AT RAIDERS –<\/strong> Bullying is apparently still legal in Oakland. Ravens 40, Raiders 11<\/p>\nDOLPHINS AT JAGUARS –<\/strong> Ryan Tannehill looks like Johnny Unitas compared to Blake Bortles, who looks suspiciously like Blaine Gabbert, who is now so anonymous that he is no longer known by his real first name, “Blame.” Dolphins 24, Jaguars 13<\/p>\nCOWBOYS AT EAGLES –<\/strong> Dez Bryant isn’t playing. DeMarco Murray is. Oh wait, what team is Murray on again? Does he play for anyone? Cowboys 28, Eagles 19<\/p>\nSEAHAWKS AT PACKERS –<\/strong> An epic battle? Nah. Packers are better. Packers 32, Seahawks 17<\/p>\nJETS AT COLTS –<\/strong> The Jets beat some unknown junior high JV team last week. While the Colts defense may be that, Andrew Luck plays varsity Colts 26, Jets 16<\/p>\n—<\/p>\n
This column is sponsored by the Mike Huckabee Bedroom Police Camera.
\n<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I’m goin’ surfin’ cause I don’t like your face I’m bailing out because I hate the race Of rats that run around and ’round in the maze – Weezer — These Week 2 NFL Picks by Donald Trump don’t like your face. I like Tom Brady’s face. Tom Brady endorsed me. Tom is the most…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[111],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1372"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1372"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1372\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1379,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1372\/revisions\/1379"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1372"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1372"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1372"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}