Regrets, I’ve had a few. I picked the Browns to win every game. But now the end is near, and instead the Browns have looked quite lame.<\/span><\/p>\nSo uh yeah, I did it my way.<\/span><\/p>\nStupid. My way.<\/span><\/p>\nWith that, I would like to say goodbye to this sad referee-tainted, Donald Trump-infested, Mike Pettine-coached season.<\/span><\/p>\nAmerica is already great. Get over it. The Cleveland Browns are not great. I am not over it.<\/span><\/p>\nSo there will be no playoff or Super Bowl picks by me this year. Well okay… I still pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. But as for the rest of the playoffs\u2026<\/span><\/p>\nAs my both of my loyal readers (Hi Mom & Dad) know, I have picked the Cleveland Browns to win every game since George Washington was President. Every week.<\/span><\/p>\nAnd almost every week since the beginning of this “new” franchise in 1999, the Cleveland Browns have lost. Just about every game.<\/span><\/p>\nAnd I just now realized that this is a one-way relationship.<\/span><\/p>\nI like my team. They do not like me. I am loyal to my team. They hate me. How did I not see this before?<\/span><\/p>\nI always pick them to win, even in weeks when no one else, not even their own players thought they could win. They could not win. They would not win. They can not win. They never win. Winning is against their nature. They do not like to be nice to me. They like to lose.<\/span><\/p>\nSo they lose. The following week, I pick them to win again. And what do they do? They lose. Imagine my surprise.<\/span><\/p>\nYear after year this happens in a sort of rinse-and-repeat pattern. And I do this year after year. <\/span><\/p>\nWell no more. At the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes karaoke, I met a wise Streisand-singing woman held together, like all the good ones, by vodka and makeup. And she told me that I have been the hostage of a horrible football team long enough. <\/span><\/p>\nWhat a dame. We bowled, we drank, we sang the Captain and Tenille karaoke. She convinced me that the NFL season really was over.<\/span><\/p>\nSo we checked into a romantic rent-by-the-hour motel room on the wrong side of the tracks. The very last words I remember her saying was, Let them figure out whatzgonnahappen.<\/span><\/p>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\nJETS AT BILLS –<\/strong> There is nothing Rex Ryan wants more than beating the Jets. Well, except for\u00a0 quarterback and a winning season, and a disciplined team. No wait, he does not want a disciplined team. Jets 28, Bills 20<\/span><\/p>\nBUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS –<\/strong> Now that the one loss is out of the way, the more talented Panthers give the Buccaneers a better draft pick. Panthers 30, Buccaneers 21<\/span><\/p>\nPATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS –<\/strong> For a strategic advantage, the Patriots deflate the football because no one would ever suspect them of that. Patriots 33, Dolphins 22<\/span><\/p>\nRAVENS AT BENGALS –<\/strong> The Bengals are better, at home, and they have something to play for. It shouldn’t be close, but these are the Bengals. Bengals 24, Ravens 20<\/span><\/p>\nSAINTS AT FALCONS –<\/strong> The Falcons are on a huge roll, right into the off-season. Drew Brees and Sean Payton hire the same real estate agent. Falcons 38, Saints 20<\/span><\/p>\nJAGUARS AT TEXANS –<\/strong> Blake Bortles looks legitimate but the Jaguars defense does not. Texans 30, Jaguars 20<\/span><\/p>\nSTEELERS AT BROWNS<\/strong> – How can you not be excited for the annual firing of the coach? Browns 1,000,000, Steelers 0<\/span><\/p>\nRAIDERS AT CHIEFS<\/strong> – The Chiefs matriculate the ball down the field much more than the Raiders pursue excellence. Chiefs 29, Raiders 17<\/span><\/p>\nTITANS AT COLTS –<\/strong> The Titans want the number 1 draft pick more than the Colts aren’t trying. Yes, I said that right. Colts 24, Titans 13<\/span><\/p>\nREDSKINS AT COWBOYS –<\/strong> The night after the season ends, Jerry Jones has a Johnny Manziel wet dream. Redskins 23, Cowboys 10<\/span><\/p>\nLIONS AT BEARS –<\/strong> The Bears at home. Actually who cares, but heck, the Bears at at home.\u00a0 Bears 26, Lions 24<\/span><\/p>\nEAGLES AT GIANTS –<\/strong> Chip Kelly feels for Tom Coughlin. Eagles 20, Giants 19<\/span><\/p>\nVIKINGS AT PACKERS –<\/strong> Aaron Rodgers sees Teddy Bridgewater do that discount doublecheck thing. Vikings 27, Packers 23<\/span><\/p>\nCHARGERS AT BRONCOS –<\/strong> Peyton Manning snorts lines of HGH on the sidelines. Broncos 27, Chargers 20<\/span><\/p>\n49ers AT RAMS –<\/strong> This is the We Need A\u00a0 Quarterback Bow. Rams 20, 49ers 13<\/span><\/p>\nSEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS –<\/strong> A playoff preview that won’t feature playoff caliber football. Cardinals 30, Seahawks 17<\/span><\/p>\nThis column is sponsored by melancholy and beer. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention” – Frank Sinatra — These week 17 NFL picks, on the advice of a singing psychic composed entirely of vodka and makeup, will now take my final curtain. I am checking in from the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes, where I always perform…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[111],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1505"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1505"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1505\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1512,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1505\/revisions\/1512"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1505"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1505"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1505"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}