Lie to me
\nAnd tell me everything is all right
\n<\/i>– Johnny Lang<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.<\/p>\n

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.<\/p>\n

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It\u2019s called marketing. It\u2019s hilarious, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.<\/p>\n

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don\u2019t care about facts as long as I say \u201cterrific\u201d or \u201camazing\u201d or \u201cwinner,\u201d talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.<\/p>\n

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that\u2019s right. That\u2019s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.<\/p>\n

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it\u2019s true. No, the Browns aren\u2019t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.<\/p>\n

Hillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.<\/p>\n

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.<\/p>\n

Yes, I\u2019ve been the one saying it.<\/p>\n

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.<\/p>\n

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we\u2019re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS –<\/strong> Patriots 19, Texans 18<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT BENGALS –<\/strong> Bengals 24, Broncos 20<\/p>\n

RAIDERS AT TITANS –<\/strong> Raiders 30, Titans 20<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT BILLS –<\/strong> Cardinals 41. Bills 9<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT JAGUARS –<\/strong> Jaguars 26, Ravens 21<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS –<\/strong> Browns 32, Dolphins 12<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT GIANTS –<\/strong> Giants 14, Redskins 13<\/p>\n

LIONS AT PACKERS –<\/strong> Packers 34, Lions 29<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT PANTHERS –<\/strong> Panthers 36, Vikings 10<\/p>\n

49ers AT SEAHAWKS –<\/strong> Seahawks 40, 49ers 13<\/p>\n

RAMS AT BUCCANEERS –<\/strong> Buccaneers 24, Rams 20<\/p>\n

STEELERS AT EAGLES –<\/strong> Eagles 30, Steelers 29<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT COLTS –<\/strong> Colts 33, Chargers 30<\/p>\n

BEARS AT COWBOYS –<\/strong> Cowboys 6, Bears 5<\/p>\n

FALCONS AT SAINTS –<\/strong> Saints 52, Falcons 31<\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by the people rigging the presidential debate.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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