In the garden I was playing the tart
\nI kissed your lips and broke your heart
\nYou, you were acting like it was the end of the world
\n<\/i>– U2<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These Week 12 NFL Picks just settled a $25 million fraud case against me. I have advised betting on the Cleveland Browns to win every week since 1999. What is fraudulent about that advice?<\/p>\n

Nothing. It\u2019s fantastic advice. I have won a lot of money off of people who have taken that advice. I am a brilliant businessman.<\/p>\n

Still, I settled the case because I have more important things to do.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I am now reviewing Broadway musicals. I have reviewed one play so far. I didn\u2019t see Hamilton. I hated it.<\/p>\n

If you would like to bet a large amount at\u00a0the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year\u2019s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master\u2019s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University.<\/strong><\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Anyway, as your Prognosticator-Elect, I would like to wish everyone who voted for me a Happy Thanksgiving.<\/a> And for those who didn\u2019t vote for me, chill out. I didn\u2019t mean anything I said.<\/p>\n

Here, have some white meat.<\/p>\n

It should be obvious by now that everything I ever said was a giant bait & switch, including this week\u2019s game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns. The Giants are from New York, which has Broadway and the show ‘Hamilton’, which I hear is highly overrated. There should be a fraud case against Hamilton.<\/p>\n

The people in the show were much ruder to Mike Pence than a defensive line is to a Cleveland Browns quarterback. You want show tunes? Those people will be singing in the rain on the other side of the wall in a couple of months.<\/p>\n

The cast of Hamilton\u2026 gone! The New York Times\u2026 gone! The San Francisco 49ers and Colin Kaepernick\u2026 gone!<\/p>\n

And oh yeah, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals\u2026 gone! Over the wall! That\u2019s my plan to make the Cleveland Browns great again.<\/p>\n

So yeah, Trump University totally recommends that you place all your money on the Cleveland Browns winning all their games for the rest of the year.<\/p>\n

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year\u2019s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master\u2019s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University. It would be an honor for you to get it, and certainly an honor for me to stick it to you.<\/p>\n

Did I say \u2018stick it to you?\u2019<\/p>\n

I never apologize. That\u2019s whatzgonnahappen.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT LIONS – <\/b>Lions 24, Vikings 23<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – <\/b>Cowboys 37, Redskins 33<\/p>\n

STEELERS AT COLTS –<\/b> Steelers 29, Colts 19<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT TEXANS –<\/b> Chargers 24, Texans 21<\/p>\n

TITANS AT BEARS –<\/b> Bears 20, Titans 17<\/p>\n

JAGUARS AT BILLS – <\/b>Bills 25, Jaguars 22<\/p>\n

BENGALS AT RAVENS – <\/b>Bengals 23, Ravens 20<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT FALCONS – <\/b>Falcons 33, Cardinals 24<\/p>\n

49ers AT DOLPHINS –<\/b> Dolphins 30, 49ers 18<\/p>\n

RAMS AT SAINTS – <\/b>Saints 28, Rams 14<\/p>\n

GIANTS AT BROWNS – <\/b>Browns 1 (one), Giants 0<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS –<\/b> Buccaneers 27, Seahawks 25<\/p>\n

PANTHERS AT RAIDERS – <\/b>Raiders 30, Panthers 17<\/p>\n

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – <\/b>Broncos 20, Chiefs 17<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT JETS – <\/b>Patriots 31, Jets 20<\/p>\n

PACKERS AT EAGLES – <\/b>Eagles 26, Packers 24<\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by Your Drunk Uncle.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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