You got a lotta nerve
\nTo say you are my friend
\nWhen I was down, you just stood there grinning
\n<\/i>– Bob Dylan<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.<\/p>\n

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019ve got news for you and your joy.<\/p>\n

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn\u2019t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s beyond a losing streak. It\u2019s a loser streak. There\u2019s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That\u2019s how it works if you are him, and only him.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.<\/p>\n

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.<\/p>\n

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.<\/p>\n

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.<\/p>\n

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 38, Redskins 14<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – Vikings 30, Falcons 24<\/p>\n

CHIEFS AT JETS – Jets 23, Chiefs 17<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT TITANS – Titans 25, Texans 10<\/p>\n

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 17<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS – Broncos 19, Dolphins 17<\/p>\n

LIONS AT RAVENS – Lions 23, Ravens 20<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Patriots 32, Bills 20<\/p>\n

49ers at BEARS – 49ers 27, Bears 13<\/p>\n

BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – Packers 23, Buccaneers 21<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT CHARGERS – Browns 420, Chargers 12<\/p>\n

GIANTS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 47, Giants 6<\/p>\n

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Rams 24, Cardinals 20<\/p>\n

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Saints 26, Panthers 22<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – Eagles 29, Seahawks 28<\/p>\n

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 20, Steelers 17<\/p>\n

\u2014<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by the royal divorce.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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