I want your love
\nI want your revenge
\nYou and me could write a bad romance<\/p>\n

<\/em> –\tLady Gaga<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These week 2 NFL picks were supposed to occur on International Burn The NFL Rulebook Day.<\/p>\n

I told my my congregation of 50 about it, but then the most eminent citizens of the world begged me not to burn the book or make the picks.<\/p>\n

To billions worldwide, I was told, the NFL rulebook is a sacred book, and the outcomes of the games are apparently unknown to everyone but me and one Las Vegas bookie.<\/p>\n

<\/a> <\/a> <\/a> Politicians and clerics first urged me to cancel my planned book burning. Initially, I didn’t care. Still, I turned to a higher power. I drank beer.<\/p>\n

This, for a while, made me want to prove that it’s logical to get back at the bits of incomprehensible logic inside of a fine NFL rulebook by burning the book. It made perfect sense to me. I shouted in a logically obstinate way. I had visions. I was thrilled to see myself on TV. Weren’t you?<\/p>\n

I drank more beer and soon I was speaking in tongues \u2013 forked tongues. The rules are sacred, I declared piously. But not that one rule. For gosh sake, I demanded. For gosh sake!<\/p>\n

So yes, I called off the book burning.<\/p>\n

You know what happened next, don’t you? Calvin Johnson scored a touchdown to win a game but then he didn’t because of that book. Written by infidels, I tell you. That book is the work of the devil.<\/p>\n

It’s frightening when the rule interpreters are so sanctimonious as to believe they know the future better than anyone. Unless it’s me. Because I do. Yes, beer sometimes speaks to me, or for me. I have beer, which means I have charisma!<\/p>\n

Gosh, it’s great to give you you this fire and brimstone version of whatzgonnahappen. <\/p>\n

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS<\/strong> \u2013 The Buccaneers receive another gift-wrapped victory. This week, the win comes courtesy of Jimmy Clausen and his deer-in-the-headlights face. Buccaneers 17, Panthers 14<\/p>\n

CHIEFS AT BROWNS<\/strong> \u2013 Josh Cribbs finishes the game in the new Ring of Honor. Browns 21, Chiefs 17<\/p>\n

BEARS AT COWBOYS<\/strong> \u2013 Jay Cutler is one team’s quarterback. Jason Garrett is the other team’s offensive coordinator. That makes this a battle of half wits. A half wit plus a half wit equals one wit, and Jay Cutler will be the one with more half-witted plays. Cowboys 27, Bears 20<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT LIONS<\/strong> \u2013 Calvin Johnson finishes the process of watching Michael Vick begin an improbable comeback by endorsing flea & tick collars. Eagles 24 Lions 17<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT FALCONS<\/strong> \u2013 An organization of psychiatrists in Arizona sends Derek Anderson a thank you note. Falcons 28, Cardinals 13<\/p>\n

STEELERS AT TITANS<\/strong> \u2013 There are a lot of bad quarterbacks in the NFL. Vince Young is not one of them. Titans 23, Steelers 10<\/p>\n

BILLS AT PACKERS<\/strong> \u2013 There are a lot of bad quarterbacks in the NFL. Aaron Rodgers is not one of them. Packers 33, Bills 10<\/p>\n

DOLPHINS AT VIKINGS<\/strong> \u2013 Brett Favre has a good game and the announcing team weeps tears of joy. Vikings 24, Dolphins 17<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT BENGALS<\/strong> \u2013 This week, the Bengals learn that the game begins in the first half, Ray Lewis eats eggs from Iowa. Bengals 20, Ravens 16<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS AT BRONCOS<\/strong> \u2013 Josh McDaniels has traded for Brady Quinn, drafted Tim Tebow and traded for Laurence Maroney. He’s starring in a new reality show \u2013 Desperate Coaches of The NFL. Seahawks 26, Broncos 21<\/p>\n

RAMS AT RAIDERS<\/strong> \u2013 Newsflash: Jason Campbell is not a significant enough upgrade to matter. I guess that doesn’t really qualify as news. Raiders 17, Rams 14<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT REDSKINS<\/strong> \u2013 Everybody loves the Texans this year. I never joined that organization called \u201ceverybody.\u201d Redskins 31, Texans 20<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT JETS<\/strong> \u2013 While Rex Ryan feasts on crow pie<\/a>, Randy Moss slouches towards the end zone. Patriots 23, Jets 6<\/p>\n

JAGUARS AT CHARGERS<\/strong> \u2013 It’s fun to watch Philip Rivers pout. Jaguars 27, Chargers 20<\/p>\n

GIANTS AT COLTS<\/strong> \u2013 Archie likes Peyton best. Colts 30, Giants 20<\/p>\n

SAINTS AT 49ers<\/strong> \u2013 The best team in the NFL visits the most dysfunctional team. I think Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush will be starting a charity for 49ers fans after this one. Saints 51, 49ers 20<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by dumplings.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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