I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
\n<\/em>–\tBob Dylan<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

The last job left in America is on a migrant farm, picking games for Week 4 in the NFL. Picking games is like picking beans. The job was occupied by an illegal alien but she was deported, with the others, back to Lichtenstein. Now it’s my job to provide you with Week 4 NFL picks.<\/p>\n

I have no experience, and clearly no expertise, but I am an American citizen so I got the job. It’s a tough\u00a0 job, but it’s a tougher economy \u2013 especially for someone of my limited <\/a> <\/a> skills and unusual experience. I used to be\u00a0\u00a0 employed as Mike Singeltary’s verbal control manager until he decided my position was unnecessary. Then I took a job as Rex Ryan’s ego management secretary but he downsized. I found that to be a funny saying \u2013 Rex Ryan downsized.<\/p>\n

This summer, I thought I had a good gig as Brett Favre’s retirement advisor, but that job aged quickly. I applied to be Wade Phillips’ intelligence officer, but I was told that position doesn’t exist. I had a good gig as Braylon Edward’s bartender but then I was abruptly fired . For one night, I was Dez Bryant’s concierge but he inexplicably let me go too. It’s a conspiracy<\/a> or something.<\/p>\n

My previous occupation was selling Kevin Kolb jerseys. That lasted about 15 minutes.<\/p>\n

Now, I’ve got this job. Frankly, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. <\/p>\n

BENGALS AT BROWNS<\/strong> \u2013 Eric Wright intercepts three passes. Terrell Owens dramatically sulks. The Browns offense discovers that the NFL allows passes to wide receivers. Browns 17, Bengals 14<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS<\/strong> \u2013 Congratulations Sam Bradford! You’ve just won a chance to play against the Seahawks defense. Rams 28, Seahawks 27<\/p>\n

BYE AT COWBOYS<\/strong> \u2013 Jerry Jones gets a complete face transplant because he is sick of people confusing him with Joan Rivers.<\/p>\n

49ers AT FALCONS \u2013<\/strong> The 49ers pregame meal is baked stuffed rat. Falcons 23, 49ers 18<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT STEELERS<\/strong> \u2013 Joe Flacco’s favorite receiver is Troy Polamalu. Ray Lewis contracts terminal dancing fever. Steelers 20, Ravens 14<\/p>\n

BYE AT CHIEFS \u2013<\/strong> The \u201cWe’re 3-0\u201d parade is a big success.<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT TITANS \u2013<\/strong> This game features two quarterbacks that only I believe in. This week, I believe in Kyle Orton a little bit more. Broncos 24, Titans 20<\/p>\n

LIONS AT PACKERS<\/strong> \u2013 The Lions are close to breaking through. Packers 30, Lions 27<\/p>\n

BYE AT VIKINGS \u2013<\/strong> Brett Favre retires. No one flies to Mississippi to beg him to come back.<\/p>\n

PANTHERS AT SAINTS<\/strong> \u2013 Light the fuse and step back. Saints 45, Panthers 14<\/p>\n

JETS AT BILLS \u2013<\/strong> Trap game? Yes. Like a pie<\/a> in the face. Bills 19, Jets 17<\/p>\n

BYE AT BUCCANEERS<\/strong> \u2013 Playoffs this year in Tampa! That’s right, the Rays look pretty good.<\/p>\n

COLTS AT JAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> Trent Edwards to the rescue. Really? Colts 28, Jaguars 19<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT RAIDERS<\/strong> \u2013 Bruce Gradkowski has been the Raiders best option for a while. Raiders 22, Texans 18<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT EAGLES \u2013<\/strong> Football is an emotional game. Redskins 23, Eagles 20<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT CHARGERS<\/strong> \u2013 Phillip Rivers is as good as Derek Anderson is bad. Chargers 41, Cardinals 12<\/p>\n

BEARS AT GIANTS<\/strong> \u2013 The Bears aren’t that good, but the Giants are that bad. Bears 20, Giants 17<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS<\/strong> \u2013 When Tom Brady is hit a lot, he’s a mere human. Dolphins 23, Patriots 21<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by x-ray vision.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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