You better watch out
\nYou better not cry
\nYou better not pout
\nI’m telling you why
\n<\/em>–\tJ. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

Dear Santa,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I believe in you. That’s why I tripped the opposing prognosticator as he was running to the liquor store. But I don’t think I’ve been naughty. I adapted to my environment.<\/p>\n

<\/a> Now I am unemployed, so please bring winning week 15 NFL picks because I am giving potatoes as Christmas presents this year. Not Mr. Potatohead.<\/a> Potatoes. Well, one potato each – except for the twins, who must share.<\/p>\n

Look Santa, I know that you will bring touchdowns to Tom Brady like you bring riches to rich people, but can you please put some winning week 15 NFL picks under my tree. I know I don’t actually have a tree. Pretend my hat is a tree.<\/p>\n

As you know, Santa, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I’d like to thank you for bringing Colt McCoy back because Jake Delhomme was making me think you didn’t exist. But I am more than a Browns fan. I am American, so it would make me very happy if you and the elves could bring rent money. Pretty please, plus groceries on top!<\/p>\n

A job would be great too, but I understand you have limitations. It’s not like you’re the Easter Bunny.<\/p>\n

Still, it’s almost Christmas! I am so excited that rich people got a tax cut. I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. <\/p>\n

49ers AT CHARGERS \u2013<\/strong> Even though the final score will end up Chargers 34, 49ers 7, I am sticking with my original prediction of… Chargers 36, 49ers 10<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT PANTHERS \u2013<\/strong> Each coach stands on the sideline ringing a little bell. Panthers 15, Cardinals 13<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS \u2013<\/strong> Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to play for either of these teams while they are owned by these two knuckleheads. I was on Willie Nelson’s tour bus when he sang it that way. I think that’s how I remember it. Cowboys 26, Redskins 19<\/p>\n

CHIEFS AT RAMS \u2013<\/strong> The Chiefs have been in trouble ever since they cut Matt Cassell’s appendix from the roster. Rams 27, Chiefs 6<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT GIANTS \u2013<\/strong> While performing The Nutcracker on the 1-yard line, DeSean Jackson is stripped of the ball and denied a game-winning touchdown. Giants 27, Eagles 24<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT TITANS \u2013<\/strong> Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson exchange Christmas presents. \u201cA knuckle sandwich? That’s what I got you!\u201d Titans 24, Texans 23<\/p>\n

JAGUARS AT COLTS \u2013<\/strong> Peyton Manning discovers the NFL needs an aging quarterback who throws interceptions. Jaguars 27, Colts 22<\/p>\n

SAINTS AT RAVENS \u2013<\/strong> Ray Lewis is gift-wrapped too tight to breathe, so he certainly can’t catch Drew Brees. Saints 29, Ravens 19<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT BENGALS \u2013<\/strong> Colt McCoy is already the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Of course, Brady Quinn once held that job. Browns 40, Bengals 20<\/p>\n

LIONS AT BUCCANEERS \u2013<\/strong> When a game is close, bad teams find a way to lose. Buccaneers 24, Lions 20<\/p>\n

BILLS AT DOLPHINS \u2013<\/strong> Ryan Fitzpatrick is better than Chad Henne. Bills 23, Dolphins 17<\/p>\n

FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS \u2013<\/strong> The 11-2 Falcons against the 6-7 Seahawks. Yes, a classic battle of first-place teams. Falcons 28, Seahawks 14<\/p>\n

JETS AT STEELERS \u2013<\/strong> Santonio Holmes has a big game, prompting Ben Roethlisberger to wonder why his team can’t ever get guys like that. Jets 20, Steelers 17<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> Tim Tebow’s first pass is a touchdown. So the Raiders start out winning 7-0 and the game finishes… Raiders 59, Broncos 0<\/p>\n

PACKERS AT PATRIOTS \u2013<\/strong> Matt Flynn starts for the Packers. Tom Brady starts for the Patriots. The clich\u00e9 would be bringing a bazooka to a knife fight. Patriots 48, Packers 3<\/p>\n

BEARS AT VIKINGS \u2013<\/strong> Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen are put on the Vikings roster for this cold weather game. Vikings 30, Bears 27<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by Mistle Tofu. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I’m telling you why – J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie — Dear Santa, I believe in you. That’s why I tripped the opposing prognosticator as he was running to the liquor store. But I don’t think I’ve been naughty. I adapted to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=497"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":502,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/497\/revisions\/502"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}