You call me a fool
\nYou say it’s a crazy scheme
\nThis one’s for real
\nI already bought the dream
\n<\/em>–\tSteely Dan<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These holiday<\/a> week 16 NFL picks are 50 percent off. But wait, there’s more \u2013 you get an organic free-range concussion, and a life-size poster of Mitch McConnell<\/a> if you order now.<\/p>\n

We’ll also thrown in a used fake-Ginsu knife, and a cupcake-stained<\/a> orange snuggie if you call in the next 15 minutes to order these super hot week 16 NFL picks.<\/p>\n

<\/a> These week 16 NFL picks are the best you can find anywhere in America. This product has consistently picked the New England Patriots to win, and the Carolina Panthers to lose. With results like that, how can you go wrong?<\/p>\n

But wait, there’s more. If you order in the next 15 minutes, we’ll give you a toe ring worn by Rex Ryan, and a genuine Bill Belichick hoodie. Who wouldn’t want signature mementos from the two best coaches in the AFC?<\/p>\n

But wait, there’s more. In the holiday spirit, we think you’ll love these week 16 NFL picks so much that we are offering a guarantee of satisfaction. So here it is: If you are not completely satisfied, we’ll be surprised. We guarantee it.<\/p>\n

That’s whatzgonnahappen. <\/p>\n

PANTHERS AT STEELERS \u2013<\/strong> The Salvation Army can’t help the Panthers. Steelers 31, Panthers 13<\/p>\n

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> John Skelton plays well enough to make Jerry Jones want him because his last name reminds him of when he looks in the mirror. Cowboys 26, Cardinals 19<\/p>\n

TITANS AT CHIEFS \u2013<\/strong> Someone told me that Randy Moss is on the Titans. That’s hard to believe. Chiefs 23, Titans 14<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT BROWNS \u2013<\/strong> \u201cOn Ray Lewis\u201d is where Santa tells the reindeer to go to the bathroom. The Browns treat the Ravens the same way. Colt McCoy makes a late MVP run. Browns 31, Ravens 20<\/p>\n

49ers AT RAMS \u2013<\/strong> The AFC West has been renamed The High School Division. Rams 20, 49ers 19<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT JAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> Daniel Snyder should not have fired Marty Schottenheimer. What, about eight fires ago? Jaguars 30, Redskins 10<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT BILLS \u2013<\/strong> The Bills are one of the best bad teams in recent memory. The Patriots young defense is vulnerable. But Tom Brady is Tom Brady. Patriots 42, Bills 17<\/p>\n

JETS AT BEARS \u2013<\/strong> Like the 12 days of Christmas, Jay Cutler and Mark Sanchez show 12 ways to screw up in a football game…\u201cand an interception at the goal line.\u201d\u00a0 Bears 12, Jets 9<\/p>\n

LIONS AT DOLPHINS \u2013<\/strong> If a Lion fought a Dolphin on land, the Lion would win. Lions 24, Dolphins 20<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT BRONCOS \u2013<\/strong> Tim Tebow is about to make Bobby Douglass famous again. Broncos 23, Texans 21<\/p>\n

COLTS AT RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> Darren McFadden almost ruins Peyton Manning’s great day. Colts 25, Raiders 22<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT BENGALS \u2013<\/strong> There are different kinds and stages of dysfunction. Chargers 32, Bengals 10<\/p>\n

GIANTS AT PACKERS \u2013<\/strong> The Giants go for it on every fourth down as Tom Coughlin refuses to punt. Packers 23, Giants 20<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS \u2013<\/strong> Pete Carroll’s Seahawks need boosters. Buccaneers 26, Seahawks 20<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT EAGLES \u2013<\/strong> Brett Favre introduces his dog, Checkers, and declares, \u201cYou won’t have Brett Favre to kick around anymore.\u201d Eagles 33, Vikings 12<\/p>\n

SAINTS AT FALCONS \u2013<\/strong> The Tipping Point for the Falcons is not yet here in the NFC. Saints 26, Falcons 23<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by the search for tinsel. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You call me a fool You say it’s a crazy scheme This one’s for real I already bought the dream – Steely Dan — These holiday week 16 NFL picks are 50 percent off. But wait, there’s more \u2013 you get an organic free-range concussion, and a life-size poster of Mitch McConnell if you order…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=510"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":513,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510\/revisions\/513"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}