Born down in a dead man\u2019s town
\nThe first kick I took was when I hit the ground<\/em>
\n–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Bruce Springsteen
\n—<\/p>\n

Good NFL predictors understand that the ends justify the means, just as in politics. It doesn\u2019t matter how you got there, as long as you get there. So I am proud to present three new names in NFL predicting. That\u2019s right: Roland Burris, Al Franken, and Caroline Kennedy walk into a bar, and there is an NFL playoff game on\u2026<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

My name is Roland Burris<\/strong> and I have been appointed NFL predictor from the great state of Illinois.<\/p>\n

What do you mean I\u2019m not certified? Fonzi over there appointed me.<\/p>\n

All right, fine, I\u2019ll wait but not long. In the meantime, I want to go watch the Cleveland Browns playoff game.<\/p>\n

What do you mean the Cleveland Browns didn\u2019t get certified into the playoffs? What\u2019s your thing with certification?<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

My name is Al Franken<\/strong> and I\u2019m smart enough and I\u2019m good enough because doggone it 225 more people out of about 3 million in Minnesota think I can pick NFL games better than that the other guy whose name I hope you soon forget.<\/p>\n

The important thing is that the will of the people \u2013 this particular will of the people, not the one that was announced on November 4 \u2013 be honored and I believe those people want the Cleveland Browns in the playoffs. I\u2019ve got political capital and I\u2019m going to use it.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have political capital? A court has to decide if I\u2019m smart enough or good enough? The Browns aren\u2019t in the playoffs? Doggone it.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

My name is, um, Caroline Kennedy<\/strong> and, you know, I want to be um, like, you know, the NFL predictor from, um, New York. Did you know my Dad was the Prognosticator of the United States of America? Yeah, just like Barack Obama\u2019s going to be.<\/p>\n

So, uh, I don\u2019t follow football, you know, but, uh, Uncle Teddy told me that for the Cleveland Browns the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.<\/p>\n

The Browns dream died again this year? Oh. He didn\u2019t say that\u2019s whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT TITANS<\/strong> \u2013 Form a circle, the bullies in the schoolyard are going to have a fight. First Ray Lewis stops by the Tennessee roadside to admire the beautiful view and is run over by Al Gore\u2019s SUV. Then he goes to find out that LenDale White is the same as Gore\u2019s SUV except that White leaves a bigger footprint, though a smaller carbon footprint. Titans 23, Ravens 17<\/p>\n

CARDINALS AT PANTHERS<\/strong> \u2013 Every time the Cardinals fly east the team shrinks to the size of an actual cardinal. It\u2019s the playoffs and Kurt Warner is a gamer, so they won\u2019t melt completely. But those uniforms are jinxed, this year by the team wearing Panthers uniforms. Watch Steve Smith, he\u2019ll be electric. Panthers 39, Cardinals 20<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT GIANTS<\/strong> \u2013 The Eagles are everyone\u2019s hot team but I refuse to join the organization called everyone. The Giants running game is going to eventually wear out the Eagles. Brian Westbrook will break one or maybe two long runs, but neither will be for a touchdown. Meanwhile, look for Eli Manning to rise to the occasion again. Giants 21, Eagles 17<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT STEELERS <\/strong>\u2013 Mike Tomlin has not won a playoff game. That continues as the Chargers improbable run goes straight through Pittsburgh with the help of a referee, or a controversial overtime rule, or something cool like that. Meanwhile, the debate about the two quarterbacks \u2013 perhaps both heading to the Hall of Fame \u2013 should find a lot of arguments in this particular game. Chargers 23, Steelers 20<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by trillion-dollar deficits and countries that love them.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Born down in a dead man\u2019s town The first kick I took was when I hit the ground –\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Bruce Springsteen — Good NFL predictors understand that the ends justify the means, just as in politics. It doesn\u2019t matter how you got there, as long as you get there. So I am proud to present…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=52"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":54,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/52\/revisions\/54"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=52"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=52"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=52"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}