Regrets, I’ve had a few
\nBut then again, too few to mention
\n– <\/em>Frank Sinatra
\n—<\/p>\n

PRESIDENT BUSH:<\/strong> In this year\u2019s NFL playoffs, I picked the first two games correctly and then put up a \u201cMission Accomplished\u201d banner. I acknowledge that may have been a mistake.<\/p>\n

Yes, last week I got all four games wrong. But I\u2019m not going to sit here and whine\u2026 poor me, why did the Steelers have to win on my watch? It\u2019s just pathetic, isn\u2019t it, self pity? But really, I hate the Steelers. I\u2019ve been working for eight straight years to help the Detroit Lions.<\/p>\n

I understand that Hurricane Millen came in and wiped out the entire city of Detroit. But don\u2019t tell me that the Federal Government didn\u2019t respond. We sent in dozens of wide receivers and Brownie did a great job as general manager.<\/p>\n

But my number one concern has been to keep this NFL predictions column safe from attack by evildoers. Yes, the predictions in here are often wrong. That\u2019s the beauty of my plan. Osama Bin Laden has not won his fantasy football league in years!<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

See FREECHEEZEBURGERZ for <\/strong> OBAMA AGREES TO MANAGE NY YANKEES<\/a><\/p>\n

See my column on theobr.com<\/strong> FOR The Eric Mangini Hiring Explained<\/a><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

So mine has been a very successful time in office but soon I will leave and your Prognosticator will be Barack Obama, a smart, engaging person who is mistaken to think that this column is viewed in a dim light after eight consecutive years of picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl.<\/p>\n

It may be damaged among some in the elite who care about wins and losses and facts and stuff, but people understand that Whatzgonnahappen stands for freedom\u2026 the freedom to pick your favorite team to win no matter what.<\/p>\n

So now I\u2019m going to go get a big straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt and sit on a beach, just like the guy pictured at the top of this column. Yeah, that\u2019s whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> A two-bird game should be decided in the air. What I want: I want a microcosm of the Eagles season complete with a Donovan McNabb benching and then him coming back to rally his team while Andy Reid grows a beard. What I\u2019ll get: I can\u2019t always get what I want so I\u2019ll settle for Kurt Warner continuing to cement his Hall of Fame credentials while the phrase Warner-to-Fitzgerald is lined up on the all-time highlight reel next to Bradshaw-to-Swann. In Arizona, McNabb will be good but Warner will be great. Plus, the Cardinals will be tougher and meaner than the Eagles. Cardinals 37, Eagles 21<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT STEELERS \u2013<\/strong> How do I hate these two teams? I\u2019d count the ways like a Shakespearean character but how do you count to infinity squared without adding Albert Einstein in as a character? What I want: I want a 923-overtime game filled with personal fouls that ruins both of these evildoer rosters for years to come. What I\u2019ll get: Ray Lewis, wearing a scavenger bird on his head, planning a vacation in Gaza. But first he explains a few things to Willie Parker. It won\u2019t be a friendly visit but it will be interesting, especially one time when Willie says \u201clook over there,\u201d and Ray does while Willie runs by laughing. It comes down to the fourth quarter when Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger makes a big play, maybe even with his legs. Steelers 24, Ravens 20<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by gigantic companies that no longer exist.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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