He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em>– The Michael Stanley Band<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

These 2011 NFL season picks used an algorithm from corporate headquarters. This company loves the word \u201calgorithm.\u201d The VP of Wild Guesses, who is 14 years old and worth more money than most third world countries, cited social media trends to explain exactly how he flipped a coin for every NFL game on the schedule.<\/p>\n

It turns out that predicting NFL games for an NFL season that may never happen is even more lucrative than selling worthless but complicated stock for an obscenely high price. We hired a ghostwriter<\/a> and used an algorithm. Trust us.<\/p>\n

<\/a>The VP of Wild Guesses is quite good at playing Madden NFL \u2013 especially this year. He is also a twit on Twitter, in your face on Facebook, and is so LinkedIn that he has the metaphorical<\/a> quality of a fence. He’s even old-school, remaining in your space on Myspace.\u00a0 He likes vampires, his cellphone ringtone, and the Green Bay Packers because they won the only Super Bowl he has ever watched.<\/p>\n

This company is proud that it has laid off more people than it ever employed, and it is currently locking out every other employee. We are told that all have found comfort in Ray Lewis’ encouragement that they turn to crime. This company is modern and hip, and therefore anti-union. Our informal slogan is: Go Ahead, Be Evil.<\/p>\n

The growth of this company’s stock is exactly like a bubble, while the corporate strategy is the ultimate deficit-cutter’s dream. The company has slashed all expenses including toilet paper, and it has sued all of our former employees and job seekers, asking them to pay us a fair hourly wage of $500 for allowing them to work for us, or for us reading their resume. We have also sued our customers, suppliers, and hot dog vendors. We only pay lawyers. <\/a><\/p>\n

While our VP of Wild Guesses has posted his very scientific predictions, it is true that he was forced under threat of a rapture<\/a> to work within our corporate algorithm, which states that the Cleveland Browns shall win every game. Okay, it’s not really an algorithm. It’s more like a commandment within the algorithm \u2013 and this is the only time all season that it will be revealed. We reveal this secret part of the algorithm only to ye, the faithful.<\/p>\n

Since this year is 2011, we have called this the 11th commandment \u2013 thou shalt predict the Cleveland Browns will win every game. Amen. Halleluiah. Please put some money in the collection plate to pay our VP of Wild Guesses. We use science and religion here, plus a healthy dose of snake oil, and then we push it all through an algorithm so we can tell you, if anything happens, whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

AFC<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST
\n<\/span>PATRIOTS <\/strong>– Tom Brady plays every down wearing an Armani Suit that Gisele chose. 13-3
\nJETS<\/strong> – Rex Ryan somehow manages another annual trek to the front of the tabloids by mid-season. 10-6
\nBILLS<\/strong> – Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Harvard education allows him to call plays using an algorithm. 8-8
\nDOLPHINS<\/strong> – Wishing for luck; Andrew Luck. 3-13<\/p>\n

NORTH
\n<\/span>BROWNS –<\/strong> Work on the Colt McCoy statue has commenced. 16-0
\nSTEELERS<\/strong> – The Terrible Towel factory is hit by a tornado, two tsunamis, a nuclear accident and a violent revolution causing a drawn-out civil war.12-4
\nRAVENS<\/strong> \u2013 Ray Lewis has a fatal allergic reaction to microphones. 10-6
\nBENGALS<\/strong> \u2013 Hot new infomercial advertising the Carson Palmer rocking chair. 2-14<\/p>\n

SOUTH
\n<\/span>COLTS<\/strong> \u2013 This is Peyton Manning’s last great year. 11-5
\nTEXANS<\/strong> \u2013 The Texans are not allowed in the playoffs. Again. 9-7
\nTITANS<\/strong> \u2013 Replacing Vince Young with Jake Locker equals meet the new boss, same as the old boss. 7-9
\nJAGUARS<\/strong> \u2013 How long until his nickname is Blame Gabbert? 5-11<\/p>\n

WEST
\n<\/span>CHARGERS<\/strong> – Philip Rivers might be the best quarterback in the NFL. 14-2
\nRAIDERS<\/strong> \u2013 The Raiders are improving at the same rate Al Davis is decomposing. 9-7
\nCHIEFS<\/strong> \u2013 If the ball bounces right, the Chiefs could be much better. 9-7
\nBRONCOS<\/strong> – John Elway has Tim Tebow and Brady Quinn \u2013 who are both very pretty off the field. 2-14<\/p>\n

NFC<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST
\n<\/span>COWBOYS<\/strong> \u2013 Tony Romo is great until it counts. 11-5
\nGIANTS<\/strong> \u2013 Another grind it out Tom Coughlin team. 10-6
\nEAGLES<\/strong> \u2013 The Eagles will win every game that Michael Vick isn’t hurt. 9-7
\nREDSKINS<\/strong> \u2013 Are politicians running this team? 3-13<\/p>\n

NORTH
\n<\/span>PACKERS<\/strong> \u2013 Scary to see the Packers add healthy great players to a championship team. 13-3
\nLIONS<\/strong> \u2013 Speaking of scary, the Lions are about to become a force. 11-5
\nBEARS<\/strong> \u2013 Jay Cutler can be counted on for eight great games, and eight bad ones. 8-8
\nVIKINGS<\/strong> \u2013 Maybe the Vikings can unload Adrian Peterson in a Herschel Walker type trade. 5-11<\/p>\n

SOUTH
\n<\/span>FALCONS<\/strong> \u2013 Julio Jones is not Jerry Rice, but he helps. 11-5
\nSAINTS<\/strong> \u2013 Drew Brees spends too much time in the huddle rehashing his feelings about Roger Goodell. 10-6
\nBUCANEERS<\/strong> \u2013 This season will be like riding a motorcycle with Kellen Winslow Jr., exciting until the crash. 8-8
\nPANTHERS<\/strong> \u2013 Cam Newton’s Dad kidnaps Jimmy Clausen. 1-15<\/p>\n

WEST
\n<\/span>CARDINALS<\/strong> \u2013 The new quarterback, whats-his-name, will have a good year. 10-6
\nRAMS<\/strong> \u2013 Sam Bradford is, in my adopted New England speak, wicked good. 10-6
\n49ERS<\/strong> \u2013 When Jim Harbaugh walks into his new office, he finds Mike Singletary’s pants on the ground. 7-9
\nSEAHAWKS<\/strong> \u2013 Pete Carroll holds pom poms and wears a cheerleader outfit on the sideline. 3-13<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
\nPACKERS OVER RAMS\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 BROWNS OVER CHARGERS<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

SUPERBOWL XLVI
\nBROWNS OVER PACKERS<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by the new NFL – National Football Lawyers.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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