I am he as you are he and you are me
\nAnd we are all together
\n<\/em> –\tThe Beatle<\/p>\n

If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.<\/p>\n

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.<\/a><\/p>\n

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t\u00a0 remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I <\/a>sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.<\/p>\n

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.<\/p>\n

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns\/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.<\/p>\n

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT STEELERS \u2013<\/strong> NBA commissioner David Stern voids Thursday’s game, and awards the Browns the victory. Browns 100, Steelers 0<\/p>\n

COLTS AT RAVENS \u2013<\/strong> The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is considering helping the Colts. Ray Lewis has fatal hiccups. Ravens 35, Colts 10<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS \u2013<\/strong> This is for the Albert Haynesworth Trophy \u2013 a box of nothing. Patriots 28, Redskins 20<\/p>\n

SAINTS AT TITANS \u2013<\/strong> Chris Johnson is brilliant again, but the Saints offense is better. Saints 29, Titans 24<\/p>\n

CHIEFS AT JETS \u2013<\/strong> Mark Sanchez throws an interception and Tyler Palko throws a touchdown pass because I want Palko to be better than Sanchez. Chiefs 20, Jets 17.<\/p>\n

EAGLES AT DOLPHINS \u2013<\/strong> The Dolphins went from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to good luck beating this team in less than two months. Dolphins 24, Eagles 21<\/p>\n

FALCONS AT PANTHERS \u2013<\/strong> His team stinks, but Cam Newton is already better than Matt Ryan. In this game, his team is better too. Panthers 27, Falcons 20<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT BENGALS \u2013<\/strong> Two teams going up the bell curve, but there’s only one T.J. Yates. Texans 20, Bengals 17<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT LIONS \u2013<\/strong> Matthew Stafford takes himself in fantasy football. Lions 37, Vikings 20<\/p>\n

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> Blame Gabbert. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 16<\/p>\n

BEARS AT BRONCOS \u2013<\/strong> John Elway is developing Tebow envy. Broncos 17, Bears 13<\/p>\n

49ers AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> Beanie Wells may take advantage of Patrick Willis absence, but the Alex Smith offense will be efficient enough to win. 49ers 24, Cardinals 15<\/p>\n

RAIDERS AT PACKERS \u2013<\/strong> The Packers are having the quietest perfect season ever. Ho hum, the Packers win again… Packers 32, Raiders 22<\/p>\n

BILLS AT CHARGERS \u2013<\/strong> Every year I jump on a bandwagon. The Bills ran the shoddiest bandwagon I’ve ever been on. I apologize for such an amateur move. Chargers 33, Bills 17<\/p>\n

GIANTS AT COWBOYS \u2013<\/strong> Ahmad Bradshaw is back, and he is a very good football player. Giants 24, Cowboys 19<\/p>\n

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS \u2013 <\/strong>Pete Carroll writes a Seahawks fight song that the team sings before every game. Seahawks 20, Rams 19<\/p>\n

\u2013<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by bacon.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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