He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
\n<\/em> –\tThe Michael Stanley Band<\/p>\n

These 2012 NFL season picks are the result of a banging-my-head-against-the-wall concussion I got after the NFL announced it’s Violence Austerity Program.<\/p>\n

I imagine someone at ESPN was watching me slam my bumpy, dumb head against the wall and gleefully shouted, \u201cJacked up!\u201d The head-on-wall hits made me<\/a> into a Cleveland<\/a> Browns dynasty-<\/a>clairvoyant, which helped me get a Nike sneaker deal. But mostly I did it for your adulation.<\/p>\n

<\/a>T<\/a><\/p>\n

Therefore I am now ready to predict the upcoming bullfighting season, I mean the NFL. Sure, my mental health is a laughing matter. But the struggle of my football heroes is not. And yet, how did they get<\/a> to become my football heroes?\u00a0 It’s no small moral dilemma.<\/p>\n

It turns out that the official NFL name is the Violence Austerity Program In Denial (VAPID), which is sort of like AA, only it involves a 16-step program that closely resembles an NFL season. There are sincere attempts to cut back entitlement programs such as head-on-head collisions, and heroic quick returns from injuries, but there is also pushback. Street demonstrations are expected on James Harrison’s street.<\/p>\n

Yet here I am with pinwheel eyes ready to predict this season in the NFL because I want stimulus, not austerity. Heck, I don’t even know what I am talking about<\/a>. It’s all Greek to me.<\/p>\n

I want to take a community college<\/a> class in Tebowing so I can justify the simplistic explanation that bounty money was the root of all evil for the New Orleans Saints. I liked the loveable save-the-hurricane-infested-city Saints a whole lot more than the evil take-out-the-head Saints, even though they both have the same funny name – Saints.<\/p>\n

Jacked up! Jacked up motherfucker!<\/em><\/p>\n

Sorry about that. It’s the first time I’ve ever cursed in this column. Ever since I hurt my head by voluntarily banging it against a wall, I can’t control what I say. I again apologize plus I announce that I plan to sue the wall, or the maker of the wall, or maybe you.<\/p>\n

I get so confused about right and wrong. I love the NFL. It is my Sunday religion. That’s how I know about the Saints.\u00a0 But I hear a bell ringing in my head and I don’t think it’s a church bell. It’s my own interior bell, and it has been rung.<\/p>\n

So for now and now only, I am a clairvoyant<\/a> with future plausible deniability and a nasty desire to hit you upside the head with another Browns-dynasty<\/a> version of whatzgonnahappen. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

AFC<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST<\/span><\/strong>
\nPATRIOTS \u2013<\/strong> Famous video director Bill Belichick videotapes an NFL Network special about how the Saints broke NFL rules. 13-3
\nBILLS\u00a0 –<\/strong> There are four words Mario Williams will hate to hear, \u201cBruce Smith used to.\u201d 8-8
\nJETS<\/strong> – Rex Ryan calls Tim Tebow a bleeping bleep, and Tebow replies that he’s excited to be cussed at by one of God’s creations. 6-10
\nDOLPHINS\u00a0 –<\/strong> Ryan Downthehill is the 2012 version of Blame Gabbert. So how about Matt Barkley next year? 3-13<\/p>\n

NORTH
\n<\/span>BROWNS \u2013<\/strong> West Coast offense? Not really. Power football on the shores of Lake Erie. It’s innovation the old fashioned way. 16-0
\nBENGALS \u2013<\/strong> I’ll explain my pick this way. I like Kool-Aid. 11-5
\nRAVENS \u2013<\/strong> Ray Lewis’ cause of death is listed as \u201cPissed off for greatness.\u201d Joe Flacco practices for a\u00a0 career in public relations by claiming he is new and improved.\u00a0 9-7
\nSTEELERS\u00a0 –<\/strong> Ben Roethlisberger stays in one erratic piece, but the path to long-term mediocrity is clear. 6-10<\/p>\n

SOUTH
\n<\/span>TEXANS \u2013<\/strong> Arian Foster reminds me of O.J. Simpson, and I mean that in a good football way as opposed to, well, you know. 12-4
\nTITANS \u2013<\/strong> Jake Locker will be severely average, like his team, and like his high-paid running back. 8-8
\nCOLTS \u2013<\/strong> Andrew Luck may not be as good as Peyton Manning, but he will be better than Curtis Painter. 6-11
\nJAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> Blame Gabbert will be sacked 160 times. Every pass he throws all season will theoretically be aimed towards Justin Blackmon. 1-15<\/p>\n

WEST
\n<\/span>RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> Baby. Win. Just. It may be backwards now, but it will finally begin working with a sound defense, a prepared quarterback, and a running game. 10-6
\nCHARGERS \u2013<\/strong> Norv Turner has a new book out, \u201cDare To Be Adequate.\u201d 9-7
\nBRONCOS \u2013<\/strong> Peyton Manning won’t last the season. John Elway considers his own comeback. 8-8
\nCHIEFS \u2013<\/strong> Brady Quinn and Peyton Hillis argue over a mirror. Romeo Crennell deserves better. 4-12<\/p>\n

NFC<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

EAST<\/strong><\/span>
\nCOWBOYS \u2013<\/strong> The Cowboys look loaded. But Rob Ryan wins more beauty contests than the Cowboys win playoff games. 11-5
\nGIANTS \u2013<\/strong> Eli Manning, with less talent, will ultimately end up having a better career than his brother. Not in the regular season, but in the playoffs. 11-5
\nEAGLES \u2013<\/strong> Michael Vick again lasts about half a season and he is mostly brilliant. Mad karma backed off the dream team this year, but Vick’s fragile body doesn’t care. 5-11
\nREDSKINS \u2013<\/strong> Robert Griffin III wishes he was a Cleveland Brown. Halfway through the season, so do his teammates who say to each other under their breath, \u201cHey Cousin.\u201d 3-13<\/p>\n

NORTH
\n<\/span>LIONS \u2013<\/strong> Ndamukong Suh watches interviews with forgetful Jim McMahon every day for inspiration. 12-4
\nPACKERS \u2013<\/strong> The Packers are still trying to understand how other teams would want to win the Super Bowl too when it is supposed to be theirs. 11-5
\nBEARS \u2013<\/strong> Jay Cutler sues a roller coaster for intellectual property copyright infringement. 8-8
\nVIKINGS \u2013<\/strong> The theme song of the year is \u201cNowhere Man\u201d by the Beatles, or maybe \u201cLA Woman\u201d by the Doors. 2-14<\/p>\n

SOUTH
\n<\/span>FALCONS \u2013<\/strong> Matt Ryan, aka Matty Ice, should have the nickname Matty Eh-whatever. The Falcons are pretty good too. Eh, whatever. 11-5
\nSAINTS \u2013<\/strong> So the Saints ain’t saints,\u00a0 coaches and players are suspended, and mad karma ain’t nice. But Drew Brees is a spectacular NFL quarterback and that means a lot. 10-6
\nPANTHERS \u2013<\/strong> Cam Newton wants to be a superhero. He is already a superstar, the one we’ve long been expecting to reinvent the most important position in sports. 8-8
\nBUCANEERS \u2013<\/strong> The Buccaneers had a great offseason. Yeah Buccaneers! They are a good offseason team. 4-12<\/p>\n

WEST
\n<\/span>49ERS \u2013<\/strong> Alex Smith looked like he got a brain transplant last year. This year he gets new weapons. 12-4
\nCARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd are the weapons. Kevin Kolb is the triggerman due for a career year, or the end of his career. 8-8
\nSEAHAWKS \u2013<\/strong> Matt Flynn expects to set franchise records in every start. Pete Carroll explains, \u201cYou’re not even the starter.\u201d 6-10
\nRAMS \u2013<\/strong> Sam Bradford simply needs to survive two more years until all the draft picks arrive. 4-12<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
\nLIONS OVER GIANTS<\/strong><\/p>\n

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
\nBROWNS OVER PATRIOTS<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong><\/p>\n

SUPERBOWL XLVII
\nBROWNS OVER LIONS<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by the tuxedo hoodie.<\/em><\/p>\n

—<\/em><\/p>\n

Please check out my new ebook, Conquering The North Face<\/a> with Hap Klopp, the founder of the iconic brand, The North Face. Thanks!
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