Communication breakdown, it’s always the same
\nI’m having a nervous breakdown, drive me insane!
\n<\/em> –\tLed Zeppelin<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

The fantasy football league I joined is toxic, and seems to go by the rules of RISK. As you can tell, I’ve got no friends so I joined this random league and it turned out to be a league with Vladmir Putin, Barack Obama, and Bashar al-Assad.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/a><\/p>\n

I took all Cleveland Browns players. That is always my strategy. Brandon Weeden, with only three interceptions in the first half of the first game, played above expectations, I thought. Plus, he’s got upside, or is that upside-down?<\/p>\n

Anyway, back to my fantasy league. Barack Obama picked Andrew Luck on the advice of his campaign advisers, who suggested luck has always served him well.<\/p>\n

Assad, a fan of toxic chemistry, went with all New York Jets. Meanwhile Putin, the ex-spy, of course went with Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots. Don’t forget, he has a Patriots ring.<\/p>\n

What a group. Everybody’s always bitching about the rules.<\/p>\n

All I wanted to do was have a bit of fun. You know, some chill competition among new friends is how I envisioned this league. But no. These bastards want to kill each other.<\/p>\n

It’s only week 2. I got to tell you… I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

JETS AT PATRIOTS \u2013<\/strong> Geno Smith believes he is a good quarterback. Bill Belichick believes that is hilarious. Patriots 30, Jets 12<\/p>\n

RAMS AT FALCONS \u2013<\/strong> The Rams may develop into a good team, but the Falcons are tough at home. Falcons 27, Rams 20<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT EAGLES \u2013<\/strong> Okay, maybe I believe a little bit in Chip Kelly’s offense… a little bit more than I do in the Chargers. Eagles 35, Chargers 25<\/p>\n

COWBOYS AT CHIEFS \u2013<\/strong> Impossible to judge the Chiefs, who last week played a middle school team from Jacksonville. But I am judge and jury on the Cowboys and I declare them average. Chiefs 23, Cowboys 21<\/p>\n

DOLPHINS AT COLTS \u2013<\/strong> After the Dolphins lose, Mike Wallace will be drinking champagne because he’ll have a big game. Next up, a reality show with T.O. and Ochocinco. Colts 23, Dolphins 20<\/p>\n

TITANS AT TEXANS \u2013<\/strong> Tennessee’s defense, dominating against Pittsburgh, won’t look as good against a team that has an actual offensive line. Texans 26, Titans 10<\/p>\n

REDSKINS AT PACKERS \u2013<\/strong> For all the RGIII hype, don’t ever forget that Daniel Snyder still owns the Washington Redskins. Packers 30, Redskins 20<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT RAVENS \u2013<\/strong> Since Brandon Weeden is better than Peyton Manning, he will throw eight touchdown passes this week. Browns 56, Ravens 3<\/p>\n

PANTHERS AT BILLS \u2013<\/strong> In the fourth quarter, both these teams start new charities but the Panthers turn out to be better at giving things away. Bills 20, Panthers 17<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT BEARS \u2013<\/strong> When Adrian Peterson is an old man, he will have a dartboard with Christian Ponder’s face taped to it. Bears 23, Vikings 13<\/p>\n

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS \u2013<\/strong> The Buccaneers are the worst team in the NFL (the Jaguars don’t count). Saints 42, Buccaneers 10<\/p>\n

LIONS AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> Ndamukong Suh performs on Eminim’s new hit song,\u201dI’m really uncomfortable right now.\u201d Cardinals 27, Lions 20<\/p>\n

JAGUARS AT RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> The Jaguars hope to steal a couple of more bases this week and maybe score more than 2. Raiders 14, Jaguars 2<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT GIANTS \u2013<\/strong> Peyton Manning. Eli Manning. Bradley Manning. You do the math. Broncos 31, Giants 21<\/p>\n

49ers AT SEAHAWKS \u2013<\/strong> Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll share cookie recipes at halftime. Harbaugh suggested arsenic is a good ingredient. Carroll tells Harbaugh he should try rat poison. 49ers 30, Seahawks 27<\/p>\n

STEELERS AT BENGALS \u2013<\/strong> Ben Roethlisberger wonders what kind of crime he has to commit to get suspended so he doesn’t have to play behind his offensive line. Bengals 24, Steelers 10<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by Anthony Weiner’s cellphone camera<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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