EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n

PATRIOTS<\/strong> \u2013 Tom Brady, who is Cary Grant in the off-season, takes some time away from the pages of People Magazine to return to the glory of Sports Illustrated (thanks a lot Joe Posnanski). 11-5<\/p>\n

BILLS<\/strong> \u2013 Do you know how they say swine flue is contagious? Yeah, I was thinking about that when I saw the Bills signed Terrell Owens. 10-6<\/p>\n

DOLPHINS<\/strong> \u2013 This year the wildcat is tamed by NFL defensive coordinators into a mildcat. 8-8<\/p>\n

JETS <\/strong>\u2013 The best quarterback in the draft next year is quarterback Sam Bradford. Too bad the Jets are stuck with Mark Sanchez. 2-14<\/p>\n

NORTH<\/strong><\/p>\n

BROWNS<\/strong> \u2013 Brady Quinn throws 60 touchdowns and zero interceptions, while Joe Posnanski of Sports Illustrated gets the curling beat. 16-0<\/p>\n

STEELERS<\/strong> \u2013 The Super Bowl champs are profiled in a cover story by Joe Posnanski. 12-4<\/p>\n

BENGALS<\/strong> \u2013 Carson Palmer returns but this year Chad Ochocinco changes him name to Chad Washedup. 8-8<\/p>\n

RAVENS<\/strong> \u2013 Joe Flacco isn’t as good as he is, that’s my new theory\/hope. As I was saying, Ray Lewis will be eaten by a tarantula, a grizzly bear, and a great white shark and then, ironically, finished off by a raven. 4-12<\/p>\n

SOUTH<\/strong><\/p>\n

JAGUARS<\/strong> \u2013 Is there anything more fun than watching Maurice Jones-Drew run over a defensive lineman twice his size? If Tory Holt has anything left, this team could be very dangerous. 11-5<\/p>\n

COLTS<\/strong> \u2013 Peyton Manning, who once could sell ice to Eskimos, finds it harder to sell without Marvin Harrison and Tony Dungy around. 9-7<\/p>\n

TEXANS<\/strong> \u2013 The Texans have finally achieved the first dream of an expansion franchise: consistent mediocrity. 8-8<\/p>\n

TITANS <\/strong>\u2013 All the stuff that went right last year will go wrong this year. 5-11<\/p>\n

WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n

BRONCOS <\/strong>\u2013 Kyle Orton is better than you think, meaning that Josh McDaniels’ Belichick act won’t be canceled until two years from now. 10-6<\/p>\n

CHARGERS<\/strong> \u2013 Hey LaDanian Tomlinson, remember when… Yeah, those were the days. 9-7<\/p>\n

RAIDERS<\/strong> \u2013 JaMarcus Russell develops and Al Davis gets one more shot at bird-flipping I-told you-so. 8-8<\/p>\n

CHIEFS <\/strong>\u2013 The Matt Cassell trade proves that Scott Pioli has incriminating pictures of Bill Belichick, but Cassell is not throwing to Randy Moss and Wes Welker anymore. 5-11<\/p>\n

NFC<\/strong><\/ul>\n

EAST<\/strong><\/p>\n

EAGLES<\/strong> \u2013 Andy Reid benches Donovan McNabb during the first game of the season to get it over with. 12-4<\/p>\n

GIANTS<\/strong> \u2013 Eli Manning throws some interceptions and shoots himself in the foot \u2013 but not literally. 10-6<\/p>\n

REDSKINS<\/strong> \u2013 Jim Zorn probably has to win the Super Bowl to prevent Daniel Snyder from overpaying for a big name coach next year. 7-9<\/p>\n

COWBOYS <\/strong>\u2013 The new stadium means it’s a new era for the Cowboys as America’s disappointing team. 5-11<\/p>\n

NORTH<\/strong><\/p>\n

PACKERS<\/strong> \u2013 While other teams search Brett Favre’s diaper for signs he wants to play again, Aaron Rodgers is right now \u2013 not ten years ago – a top-tier NFL quarterback. 13-3<\/p>\n

VIKINGS<\/strong> \u2013 Tarvaris Jackson secretly wishes the Vikings could find a quarterback because otherwise the offense appears loaded. Vikings 9-7<\/p>\n

LIONS<\/strong> \u2013 This is the offense of the future, and by mid-season we’ll get some glimpses of how scary-good they are going to be. 6-10<\/p>\n

BEARS <\/strong>\u2013 Instant karma is gonna get Jay Cutler. 3-13<\/p>\n

SOUTH<\/strong><\/p>\n

PANTHERS<\/strong> \u2013 I want defensive line draft pick Everette Brown to change his name to Everette Salt so when he and Julius Peppers eat up opposing offenses they can salt and peppers them. 11-5<\/p>\n

FALCONS<\/strong> \u2013 Surprise! Michael Vick comes back to run the wildcat, renamed the Michael Vick Pit Bull Offense. 10-6<\/p>\n

SAINTS<\/strong> \u2013 The window of opportunity is closing faster than Jeremy Shockey’s eyes.7-9<\/p>\n

BUCCANEERS <\/strong>\u2013 Kellen Winslow Jr. says that when he is 80 he’s going to drive a souped-up Rascal Scooter. 5-11<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

WEST<\/strong><\/p>\n

CARDINALS<\/strong> \u2013 If they weren’t wearing those uniforms and playing for that owner, I’d say they are an elite team. As long as Kurt Warner is healthy, I still do. 12-4<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS<\/strong> \u2013 If they only had a running game, this team could go places on the arm of Matt Hasselbeck 8-8<\/p>\n

49ERS<\/strong> \u2013 Mike Singletary brings back Jim McMahon to play quarterback, and if it wasn’t for the effect of frat parties on the old man, they would be doing the Super Bowl shuffle again. 6-10<\/p>\n

RAMS <\/strong>\u2013 When is the draft? 2-14<\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP<\/strong><\/p>\n

PACKERS OVER PANTHERS<\/strong><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP<\/strong><\/p>\n

BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS<\/strong><\/p>\n

SUPERBOWL<\/strong><\/p>\n

BROWNS OVER PACKERS<\/strong><\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

This column is sponsored by Joe Posnanski’s nightmares.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

He was taken to task by some critics who asked Do you write the words or lyrics first? – The Michael Stanley Band – — These 2009 NFL predictions, as you probably guessed, involve three jelly donuts and three smoking-hot women named Betty. Yeah, so do you know how some people see the shape of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/98"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=98"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/98\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":109,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/98\/revisions\/109"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=98"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=98"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatzgonnahappen.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=98"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}