Hey Washington, American Voter here with my week 7 NFL picks to distract you from your recent awesome antics. I compare your leadership to the leadership of Cleveland Browns quarterback, Brandon Weeden, the best quarterback in the NFL.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/a> I have been commode-hugging sick listening to you, my government, lie to each other in the most vicious ways your twisted minds can dream up. Who elected you people?<\/p>\n

This, after I was scratch-my-eyeballs out angry at watching Brandon Weeden throw the ball last week like he wanted to play inside of a slow-motion film trying to replicate an acid trip from the 1960s. Who roots for a guy like this?<\/p>\n

Do you understand, Washington, home of the Redskins? I am out here in some Atlantic Ocean suburb<\/a> of Cleveland, or maybe this commode I am hugging is in Dorothy’s Kansas, and I’d like to vote for some civility, or at least better quarterback play. Is that too much to ask?<\/p>\n

I thought so. Okay, well let me try this.<\/p>\n

You are supposed to be the best government on Earth. You know, just like Brandon Weeden is the best quarterback in the NFL.<\/p>\n

Decisions are what you, the government, and Weeden, the quarterback, do for a living. You have too much time to deliberate. He needs much more time to deliberate. So make a deliberate decision.<\/p>\n

Everybody get together, Democrats and Republicans \u2013 yes, you too Senator Cruz – and watch Brandon Weeden throw a bunch touchdowns this weekend, and then sing \u201cKumbaya\u201d in a choir led by Jim Irsay and Peyton Manning. Yeah, that’s exactly whatzgonnahappen.<\/p>\n

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS \u2013<\/strong> To paraphrase former Cardinals coach Dennis Green, Carson Palmer is who I thought he was. Seahawks 27, Cardinals 17<\/p>\n

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS \u2013<\/strong> Greg Schiano’s dog is now saying things to the press about him. Falcons 24, Buccaneers 12<\/p>\n

RAMS AT PANTHERS \u2013<\/strong> The good Panthers are better than the good Rams, although neither show up very often. So on the scale of bad Panthers \/ good Rams; bad Panthers \/ bad Rams; or good Panthers \/ bad Rams; the Panthers win most of those. I’m saying I like the Panthers defense. Panthers 27, Rams 10<\/p>\n

BENGALS AT LIONS \u2013<\/strong> Two of the more fraudulent teams in the NFL. Shiny receivers aside, I’m not impressed. Bengals 27, Lions 24<\/p>\n

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS \u2013<\/strong> How can I pick the Jaguars to win? Tequila. Jaguars 21, Chargers 20<\/p>\n

BILLS AT DOLPHINS \u2013<\/strong> The Dolphins are rested, coming off of a bye. While the Bills are still dealing with the reality of being the Bills. Dolphins 26, Bills 16<\/p>\n

PATRIOTS AT JETS \u2013<\/strong> At some point, the domino effect of no Gronk, rookie receivers, and a decimated defense is going to start to take a toll on the Patriots. I’d like to see Geno Smith get butt tackled, but instead I think he has a good game and the Patriots don’t. Jets 27, Patriots 13<\/p>\n

COWBOYS AT EAGLES \u2013<\/strong> A high-scoring affair with Nick Foles outplaying Tony Oh No! (Trademark worthy, no?) Eagles 38, Cowboys 31<\/p>\n

BEARS AT REDSKINS \u2013<\/strong> Remember the legend of RGIII. Those were good times. Bears 28, Redskins 14<\/p>\n

49ers AT TITANS \u2013<\/strong> Jim Harbaugh knows that there is a big difference between a Stanford quarterback and a Harvard quarterback. 49ers 23, Titans 13<\/p>\n

TEXANS AT CHIEFS \u2013<\/strong> This Chiefs bandwagon has become the most fun I’ve ridden in years. If you are a team that needed a quarterback and you passed on Alex Smith, you made a mistake. Meanwhile, Case Keenum is no Matt Schaub. Is that a good thing? Chiefs 24, Texans 18<\/p>\n

BROWNS AT PACKERS \u2013<\/strong> Commentators are amazed by Brandon Weeden’s heroic performance under duress. He throws five touchdown passes with an elephant farting into his brain. Browns 35, Packers 28,<\/p>\n

RAVENS AT STEELERS \u2013<\/strong> The Steelers are getting better, and the Ravens are not winning the Super Bowl this year. Steelers 23, Ravens 20<\/p>\n

BRONCOS AT COLTS \u2013<\/strong> Peyton Manning wants to score 90 points against Jim Irsay’s Colts. He discovers that Andrew Luck is his new Tom Brady type nemesis. Irsay smirks. Colts 38, Broncos 37<\/p>\n

VIKINGS AT GIANTS \u2013<\/strong> How many New York Giants does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t know. No one seems to want to do it. Vikings 29, Giants 20<\/p>\n

BYE AT SAINTS \u2013<\/strong> Who dat in your nightmares? Kenbrell Tompkins, dat who.<\/p>\n

BYE AT RAIDERS \u2013<\/strong> It’s almost Halloween. Seance with Al Davis on Sunday.<\/p>\n

This column is by uninsured people who will never get sick.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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