“Roxanne, you don’t have to put on that red light”
– THE POLICE
Governor Rod Blagojevich: Hey Fan Number 5, do you have a favorite NFL team? Want me to pick them to win?
Auctioneer Rod Blagojevich: I’ll picktheBears ifyouwantmetopicktheBears so do I hear $50,000? No? Okay, I’ll picktheSaints ifyouwantmetopicktheSaints so do I hear $50,000? No? Well then bleep you!
Governor Blagojevich: Look people. Let me explain something here. This is an auction, and this is democracy in Illinois. You don’t have a choice.
Governor: You bid lots of money and give it to me and then whoever gives me the most money gets to see me pick your team to win. Did you hear me, Fan Number 5? Think of this as a United States Senate seat for football fans because my opinion is the only one that counts.
Governor: Please stand over here while I shake you down. No, it’s not as much fun as it sounds but in the end I profit. A governor has to get what he can get when the getting is good and this is a damn good getting season. So as I was saying…
Auctioneer Blagojevich: Iwanna moveto MondayNightFootball featuring theClevelandBrownsversusthePhiladelphiaEagles AND Iwannagetabid ofbigbucks. Big, big bucks!
Auctioneer: DoIhearabid forthe Browns towinthegame? Thisishighpriority sopleasesomeone-anyone paymetopicktheBrownstowin.
Governor: Listen. You have to understand the power I have. I am writing this column because the previous writer couldn’t actually get the Browns to win, so I had him fired. But if you can get me enough money, I can make them win. I’ll buy the team, yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
SAINTS AT BEARS – Chicago native, New Orleans Saints running back Pierre Thomas is playing against New Orleans native, Chicago Bears running back Matt Forte. If these guys grew up as real fans, each would refuse to play. Go with the guy from Chicago, I mean New Orleans. Bears 24, Saints 21
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – There is a official ceremony at halftime to give LaDainian Tomlinson his AARP card. Chiefs 24, Chargers 10
49ERS AT DOLPHINS – The game is delayed for a half an hour while Mike Singletary and Bill Parcells bloviate in each other’s general direction. 49ers 19, Dolphins 16
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – The winning team receives this here bucket of spit. Seahawks 20, Rams 10
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – I can remember entire decades when the idea of a big game between these two teams in December was hilarious. Buccaneers 28, Falcons 27
BILLS AT JETS – Favre is due for a big explosion. Jets 40, Bills 20
PACKERS AT JAGUARS – In these teams version of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” the town of Bedford Falls is called the NFL and it actually wouldn’t miss either team if they didn’t show up this season because, well, they didn’t. Jaguars 16, Packers 10
LIONS AT COLTS – The Colts defense actually sleeps for the entire first half and the Lions only take a 10-point lead. Tony Dungy coaches while holding a puppy in a La-Z-Boy while Peyton Manning watches a different game on his cell phone during most passing plays. The Colts Gatorade bottles are filled with Vodka. Colts 30, Lions 10
REDSKINS AT BENGALS – When someone calls a non-genius a genius, is that the same as calling a not-great running back a great running back? Playing the Bengals creates an easy way for more mistaken identity in both cases. Redskins 23, Bengals 9
TITANS AT TEXANS – After the game, a dazed Matt Schaub picks the Titans to win the Super Bowl. Titans 30, Texans 6
VIKINGS AT CARDINALS – Everyone else is losing their jobs but they need extras to run the scoreboard this week. Vikings 42, Cardinals 38
BRONCOS AT PANTHERS – It’s like a flyweight going in to fight a heavyweight. Panthers 31, Broncos 20
STEELERS AT RAVENS – An avalanche of Christmas cards falls on Ray Lewis. Then an avalanche of Hines Ward falls into the end zone. Steelers 27, Ravens 13
PATRIOTS AT RAIDERS – Just after Jabbar Gaffney scores a touchdown, Al Davis offers his top draft pick to the Patriots for Jabbar Gaffney. Patriots 36, Raiders 14
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – After Old Ironedface, Jerry Jones wipes away his mascara and declares that Marion Barber is not tough enough to get a facelift, Terrell Owens drops the ball and then Tony Romo throws another one away. Giants 27, Cowboys 17
BROWNS AT EAGLES – This Browns fan expects pigs to fly even though the problem with pigs flying is the droppings. Pig excrement serves as a metaphor too. Look up! Cover your head! Oh, and cover your ears too because Tony Kornheiser will spend the first half talking about Brett Favre, who is not playing in this particular game. Browns 22, Eagles 21
This column is sponsored by the Sean Avery Matchmaking Service.