He was taken to task by some critics who asked,
Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band
These 2015 NFL Season Picks are so outraged at how the world has evolved without me that I declare my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. I will not be deflated.
In fact, I’m going to out-crazy Donald Trump. I’m picking the Cleveland Browns to catch a wave all the way to the Super Bowl. Immediately I’ve got an ethnic group I’d like to offend – Pittsburgh Steelers fans.
My specific aim is to offend all aspects of common sense by first declaring that last year’s top four teams, the New England Patriots, the Seattle Seahawks, the Green Bay Packers, and Denver Broncos are chumps. Each of those teams lost at least four games.
I don’t like losers. I like the Cleveland Browns.
So Trump’s got nothing on me in terms of hypocrisy either. As a politician, I find hypocrisy to be an asset. As a football fan, I find it to be a necessity. (See: head injuries)
Every four years when I bombastically run for the Republican nomination, I turn to the 1950s for inspiration. That’s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in football, and marriage was only allowed between one miserable man and one miserable woman, who cheered for the same football team because one of the two decided it should be so. (And then they raised their children to cheer for the same now-miserable team. Sigh.)
Now a miserable man can marry another miserable man. And they can cheer for different NFL teams. Same with two miserable women. Two different football teams in the same marriage? This is madness. It’s time to stop this government-sanctioned expansion of lifetime suffering, and go back to the old definition of marriage – one football team per household.
While there are about 20 of us outraged and sanctimonious Republicans running, I hope to be the most sanctimonious after Rick Santorum, because no one can outgoogle Santorum. Not even my personal hero and role model, Johnny Manziel.
Speaking of Johnny Football, I needed a campaign logo so I purchased the Johnny Manziel money sign on ebay for $5.93. It is now on my campaign sign just like that goofy Hillary arrow, and the designed-by-a-girl-in-junior-high, “Jeb!” And mine is true. I really need money. For beer. Um, campaign beer.
Unfortunately, it will take more than a lowest-common-denominator logo to win this race. That is why I want a strong defense, and I want to toss many, many bombs at the enemy.
People tell me Iran is an enemy. I don’t know. I run for office and I’m not worried. Iran, I run. All I know is one of these is American,and the other needs an NFL team.
Which leads me to my foreign policy to help drive America’s economic engine. America should cut American taxes and then buy Greece, make it our 51st state, and then move the Jacksonville Jaguars to Athens and watch those Greek NFL dollars save our 51st state, and thus our other 50.
If there were NFL teams in Kabul and Baghdad, there would be peace on Earth. ISIS is just a bunch of frustrated football fans without a team. Maybe the Jacksonville Jaguars should move to Baghdad. I have many ideas on how the NFL can save the world, and in the end they all involve the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl.
We are living at the end of times. By that, I mean the end of the time when the Cleveland Browns have not won a Super Bowl Obviously, I am a very religious candidate. I pray daily to the empty suit of Roger Goodell. I always defer to a power greater than myself when it comes to Whatzgonnahappen.
PATRIOTS – The Patriots hire Stephen Hawking to warp the time/space continuum in their favor. It costs them a draft pick. Team candidate: Hillary Clinton: This partnership mixes “It is what it is,” with her familial relations to, “It depends on what the definition of the word, ‘is’ is.” We is not deflated by Tom Brady. We is impressed. 12-4
JETS – The Geno Smith Experience should be a favorite band of LSD users, but it is instead a disaster movie. Darrelle Revis returns to New York and suggests renaming Manhattan Island. Team candidate: Carly Fiorina: Because someone is sure to lose their job. 9-7
DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill is too good to give up on, but not good enough to believe in. His agent wants him to be known as, “whatever.” Team candidate; Marco Rubio: He might have some game in Florida, but he is “whatever” you want except winning. 6-10
BILLS – Rex Ryan is disappointed that his Craigslist ad for a quarterback didn’t get better candidates. He swears that next year the Bill are really going to kick the Patriots ass. He really means it. Really. Team candidate; Donald Trump: He will pick Rex Ryan as his running mate. 3-13
BROWNS – Josh McCown soberly goes 8-0 and then falls on a sword purchased by Johnny Manziel at a Flying J Truckstop. Manziel then does shots in the huddle and wins a championship. Team candidate: Bernie Sanders: Failing at windmills for a good cause. 16-0
BENGALS – In the first half of the season, Andy Dalton is a candidate for MVP, and by the playoffs, he is Andy Dalton. Team candidate: Rick Perry: The Bengals want to win a lot of games, get into the playoffs and then… they can never remember the third thing. 12-4
RAVENS – Polls show that the Ravens are the most popular team for defense lawyers, who say they most love players named, “Ray.” Team candidate: Ted Cruz: Angry that he appears to others as he thinks he does. 7-9
STEELERS – To improve his brand, Ben Roethlisberger legally changes his name to Bill Cosby. This season is more of the sad decline of the Steelers. Did I say sad? I meant hilarious. Team candidate: Scott Walker: Prepared to come in and change everything for the worse. 4-12
COLTS – Jim Irsay stares trance-like into the abyss that he paid big money for, and wonders why Peyton Manning and then Andrew Luck cannot make him happy. So he deflates some footballs and feels better. Team Candidate: Jeb Bush, all promise and bloodlines. 13-3
TEXANS – Brian Hoyer wins the starting quarterback job and goes 6-2 before another sad injury. Ryan Mallett then comes in and plays like bad Derek Anderson. The Texans defense slows flashes of dominance, but JJ Watt slides slowly to Earth. Team candidate: George Pataki: You did not know George Pataki was running for president, and you won’t much notice the Texans. 6-10
TITANS – Marcus Mariota will rise to his destined level of mediocrity rather quickly in his career, giving false hope to Titans fan that the rise will continue. Team candidate: Mike Huckabee: Not a prayer. 6-10
JAGUARS – The entire team grows a Shad Kahn mustache to help with morale. They have fun parties, so there’s that. But Blake Bortles is in danger of turning into the second coming of Blame Gabbert. Team Candidate: Chris Christie: He has a fake Shad Kahn mustache he purchased during Bridgegate, just in case he needs a believable disguise. 5-11
CHARGERS – I have been waiting a decade for the Chargers to rise up, and win some playoff games. Now the entire city of Los Angeles is too, or at least those two known NFL fans in that city. Team Candidate: Lincoln Chafee: Didn’t see that coming, did you? The rest of the NFL won’t see the Chargers coming either. 10-6
CHIEFS – Alex Smith is finally settling into the better-than-mediocre quarterback he was destined to be. He won’t be as good as his peak again, but he’s more than solid. Team Candidate: John Kasich: A completely solid but not-exciting choice who could win but won’t. 10-6
BRONCOS – Gary Kubiak is now the coach. Peyton Manning is older than he was last year, when he looked old. Team Candidate: Bobby Jindal: Just as Jindal learned a lot and has a PhD but says blatantly ignorant things, the Broncos learned to win so they fired their coach and with blatant ignorance replaced him with a guy who hasn’t won a lot. 7-9
RAIDERS – The Raiders are haunted by a possible move to Los Angeles, as well as by Al Davis’ ghost. While David Carr showed promise, and things should be looking up, these are the Raiders. Team Candidate: Rand Paul: He does the stupid things he wants and has no chance of winning. 3-13
COWBOYS – Losing Demarco Murray is going to hurt the Cowboys more than Jerry Jones losing his makeup. While Jones’ facelifts get better as they age, the Cowboys won’t be better by replacing Murray. Darren McFadden may love the Cowboys line, but a couple fumbles in, feelings may not be mutual. Team Candidate: Donald Trump: No explanation necessary. 11-5
GIANTS – The Giants are a horrible team except when they are a great one. They sort of defy all logic, which is why I like them to have a good season. Logic is my enemy. Team candidate: Lindsey Graham: He uses a flip phone despite how the world has moved on, just as the Giants refuse to fire their coach even when he has a bad season. It was cutting edge once, it will be again. 10-6
EAGLES – Chip Kelly’s mad science experiment will be a roller coaster ride this year. When it works, it will probably be beautiful, combining Sam Bradford’s big arm with Demarco Murray’s powerful running. But science often means failure while working towards success. This may be a season of watching the smartest guy in the room lose IQ points weekly. Team Candidate: Ben Carson: The brain surgeon probably is the smartest guy in the room but the things he decides to say confuse the matter, sort of like some of Kelly’s moves. 6-10
REDSKINS – The Redskins hire Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians as their lawyer to argue their case on television and in the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, on the field, they only have Robert Griffin III, who once looked like he was going to be the greatest quarterback ever, and is now finishing filming a sad ESPN “30 for 30” special. Team candidate: Ted Cruz: Full of flash and losses. 3-13
PACKERS – A juggernaut. Starting the best quarterback in football on a team that has tasted ultimate success, the Packers should march to the playoffs. Team candidate: Hillary Clinton: Favored to win, and expected to toss bombs at the enemy. 13-3
VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater will never be flashy, but he’s going to win games and as long as Adrian Peterson keeps his disciplining of a child to himself, the Vikings might be really interesting. Team Candidate: Marco Rubio: Fresh-faced and interesting with a chance to get hot and lucky. 10-6
LIONS – This is a disappointing team that just lost Ndamkung Suh to free agency. Maybe it’s addition by subtraction, but it looks more like simple subtraction. Team candidate: Lincoln Chafee: Need work on the ground game. 8-8
BEARS – Meet the new boss, stuck with the same quarterback as the old boss. The Jay Cutler career-killing career continues. John Fox may have to give directions to the bench in order to survive. Team Candidate: Mike Huckabee: Blind faith. 4-12
SAINTS – While it seemed dumb to trade Jimmy Graham, Drew Brees will benefit from a stronger offensive line, and another year with Sean Payton. Who dat going to the playoffs… Team Candidate: John Kasich: who isn’t exciting but may be going farther than some people think. 10-6
FALCONS – The Matt Ryan tease is soon to enter into the lexicon of sports psychology and sports fan disorders. It must be frustrating to root for such a guy. As a Browns fan, I’d love to be so frustrated. Team Candidate: Jeb Bush: He should be a winner. 9-7
PANTHERS – So far, the most memorable thing Cam Newton has done in his NFL career was that “Play :60” commercial he did with a little kid. It will remain so, unless he makes a better commercial. Team Candidate: Rick Santorum: He is like the Panthers in that he also does not believe in evolution. 5-11
BUCANEERS – Famous Jameis Winston comes to town and by the end of the season he will throw a famous amount of interceptions. Lovie Smith changes his first name to Meanie. Team candidate: Chris Christie: Capable of colorful blunders. 2-14
SEAHAWKS – All season long on third and one, the Seahawks throw a screen over the middle. Marshawn Lynch begins bringing a lawn chair to the backfield on third down and short yardage. The defense is still good enough to protect the team from Pete Carroll. Team Candidate: Ted Cruz: Blatantly arrogant. 11-5.
CARDINALS – When Carson Palmer is healthy and surrounded by talent, he is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. He has been healthy for parts of two such seasons in his career. Team Candidate: Martin O’Malley: If he had a fair chance he might have a fair shot. 10-6
RAMS – The NIck Foles move was great, but drafting a torn ACL attached to a good running back may not qualify as such. Team Candidate: Jim Webb: All the right intentions and even the right moves but just not going to catch a winning wave. 5-11
49ers – At least San Francisco is a sanctuary city, which means no one will get shipped out from this oars-in-all-direction mess. Team Candidate: Carly Fiorina: While she will get rid of anyone, she mostly stands for chaos and disorganization. 2-12
ABOUT THESE NFL PICKS: If you stumbled in here by mistake looking for real information, gambling advice, or even something resembling NFL knowledge, I apologize. This is written simply for my own amusement. I believe and predict that the Cleveland Browns are going to win every game, and that all events in the universe are somehow connected to my favorite NFL team.
So this year, once I realized how many candidates are running for President, I decided to give a candidate to each team. There are almost enough for one Presidential candidate per NFL team. A few candidates had to be recycled because the clown car is not quite full enough for one per team. Matching candidates and teams was essentially throwing darts at a dartboard. There is no rhyme or reason for my matching the candidate with the team. Or is there?
This is why I am running for Prognosticator of the United States.
The rest of the field is a mess. Not one of these people except for the doesn’t-stand-a-chance Socialist, Bernie Sanders, could possibly have the guts to say the Cleveland Browns deserve to win the Super Bowl.
I am the only candidate who can win this race who believes that America is ready for a Cleveland Browns championship.
So how is it going to happen? Well if you vote for me it will go like this…
** NFC CHAMPIONSHIP **
PACKERS OVER SAINTS
** AFC CHAMPIONSHIP **
BROWNS OVER COLTS
BROWNS OVER PACKERS
This column is sponsored by Billionaires For Democracy.