I am he as you are he and you are me
And we are all together
– The Beatle
If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.
Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.
The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.
That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.
This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.
But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
BROWNS AT STEELERS – NBA commissioner David Stern voids Thursday’s game, and awards the Browns the victory. Browns 100, Steelers 0
COLTS AT RAVENS – The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is considering helping the Colts. Ray Lewis has fatal hiccups. Ravens 35, Colts 10
PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS – This is for the Albert Haynesworth Trophy – a box of nothing. Patriots 28, Redskins 20
SAINTS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson is brilliant again, but the Saints offense is better. Saints 29, Titans 24
CHIEFS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez throws an interception and Tyler Palko throws a touchdown pass because I want Palko to be better than Sanchez. Chiefs 20, Jets 17.
EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins went from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to good luck beating this team in less than two months. Dolphins 24, Eagles 21
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – His team stinks, but Cam Newton is already better than Matt Ryan. In this game, his team is better too. Panthers 27, Falcons 20
TEXANS AT BENGALS – Two teams going up the bell curve, but there’s only one T.J. Yates. Texans 20, Bengals 17
VIKINGS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford takes himself in fantasy football. Lions 37, Vikings 20
BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 16
BEARS AT BRONCOS – John Elway is developing Tebow envy. Broncos 17, Bears 13
49ers AT CARDINALS – Beanie Wells may take advantage of Patrick Willis absence, but the Alex Smith offense will be efficient enough to win. 49ers 24, Cardinals 15
RAIDERS AT PACKERS – The Packers are having the quietest perfect season ever. Ho hum, the Packers win again… Packers 32, Raiders 22
BILLS AT CHARGERS – Every year I jump on a bandwagon. The Bills ran the shoddiest bandwagon I’ve ever been on. I apologize for such an amateur move. Chargers 33, Bills 17
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Ahmad Bradshaw is back, and he is a very good football player. Giants 24, Cowboys 19
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll writes a Seahawks fight song that the team sings before every game. Seahawks 20, Rams 19
This column is sponsored by bacon.