Here I go, Playin’ star again
There I go
Turn the page
– Bob Seger
Barack Obama: These Week 1 NFL Picks have fulfilled their mission. It’s time to turn the page. Now watch as I pull a rabbit out of my hat.
My interpretation of the games that have not yet been played may be as premature as a Brett Favre retirement, but so was the original mission a decade ago.
The previous administration got America to believe the Cleveland Browns were a real NFL threat because gravel-faced insane people told them the Browns had weapons of mass destruction. It was not true. And then instead of a walk-in-the-park Super Bowl championship, we were given the act of the Patriots.
The previous administration pretended as if the sanctimonious I’ve-got-a-secret-phone-line-to-Lombardi lunatics had direct evidence that a Manning child was somehow hidden on the Cleveland Browns roster. No one ever found that child. Instead, they found Charlie’s Fryes. It made me bitter, and for a while I clung to guns and religion.
The administration told America that the Browns winning the Super Bowl would be a piece of cake. The administration claimed to believe the histrionic morons who would let us eat cake, and so never actually explained that the administration itself was a bunch of sociopathic liars.
I talked to former Prognosticator George W. Bush earlier today and I told him that his pre-emptive strike to get Brady Quinn was both moronic and horribly painful to the nation. He knows that we disagreed from the outset about his handling of the Cleveland Browns. We had a heated discussion about Gerard Warren, who Bush nicknamed, for reasons unknown, Tora Bora. We disagreed on many issues, but no one can doubt the former Prognosticator of the United States of America eats dog bones like all patriotic Americans.
Yet by the time he ended his relationship with Phil Savage, who was known by his nickname of Donald Rumsfeld, the damage had been done. So when the former Prognosticator recommended a surge towards Mike Holmgren, I talked to Jim Brown, who gave me the emotional advice he’d heard from my former reverend, Jeremiah Wright.
Thus, I opposed the Holmgren surge. Now, I’d like to take credit for it.
It is a bit presumptuous of me to take credit for the upcoming success of the Cleveland Browns. I don’t really pay attention to the NFL like my predecessor. Frankly I am distracted, and the NFL is actually quite a nuisance.
Still, I plan to take credit for my predecessor’s belief in the Cleveland Browns. This year, they will be great. For the last decade, my predecessor predicted the Browns would win the Super Bowl. This year, when it happens, it will be because of me, not him. He had nothing to do with it.
Let me now change the subject by pointing out that I’ve got pictures of my family, and I am surrounded by flags. That’s cool, huh? Look, now I am wearing a Browns hat. I am patriotic for sure. I was even born in America. I remember being born and seeing Hawaii. It’s true.
My point is that I know you don’t have a job.
I’m sorry. Don’t think about that. Instead, think about whatzgonnahappen.
VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Brett Favre’s first pass is intercepted by the “Who Dat Dog” Saints 35, Vikings 20
PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Panthers 24, Giants 13
BENGALS AT PATRIOTS – While Carson Palmer throws to the Knucklehead Twins, and Randy Moss’s aura endures, the best receiver this day is Wes Welker. “We can rebuild him,” doctors said. Patriots 28, Bengals 24
FALCONS AT STEELERS – Steelers 23, Falcons 21
BRONCOS AT JAGUARS – Broncos 19, Jaguars 17
RAIDERS AT TITANS – Titans 23, Raiders 17
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Bills 28, Dolphins 17
COLTS AT TEXANS – Peyton Manning doesn’t have time for one final play. Texans 29, Colts 27
LIONS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler is formally introduced to Ndamukong Suh. Lions 30, Bears 20
CARDINALS AT RAMS – The over/under on total game interceptions is 7. Cardinals 9, Rams 6
PACKERS AT EAGLES – This is Brett Favre versus Donovan McNabb, right? Packers 38, Eagles 13
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll can’t wait to get back to the sorority house. Oh wait. 49ers 31, Seahawks 10
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – At halftime, Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder brag about the size of their, um, stadiums. Cowboys 25, Redskins 21
RAVENS AT JETS – Ray Lewis gets fatal bedbugs. Ravens 21, Jets 18
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Chargers 50, Chief 6
This column is sponsored by The Recession.