If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop
– The Rolling Stones
Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.
Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.
Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.
So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.
And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?
As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.
Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.
I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen.
RAVENS AT BRONCOS – This is Peyton Manning with a butcher knife carving the Ravens defense. Speaking of Ray Lewis’ hobbies, the retiring linebacker fatally injures himself doing his signature pre-game dance. The autopsy ruling is ‘death by posing.” Anyway, back to Peyton Manning’s metaphorical butcher knife. It just looks like it is going to be too easy. And while I think Joe Flacco will play better than I think he will (are you following?), the Broncos defense will flummox him often. For Manning, three touchdowns, 320 yards. Ho hum. Broncos 33, Ravens 20
PACKERS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick in his first playoff start against Aaron Rodgers. It looks like a no-brainer. But it is in San Francisco and the 49ers clearly have the better defense. I am losing an argument with myself because I think the Packers offense is just too powerful for the 49ers to keep up with, but it is still in San Francisco and the 49ers continue to clearly have the better defense. Home teams win more often than not in the playoffs, and the cliché is that defense wins championships. And although cliches are fun, Aaron Rodgers has won a championship more recently than a cliché did. So my discount double check says Kaepernick makes at least two crucial mistakes. Packers 27, 49ers 17
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Seattle team seems to have everything, especially the Marshawn Lynch train. The last rookie quarterback in the playoffs is the little dude from the third round of the draft. The defense, especially the secondary, is awesome. But Pete “aw shucks” Carroll will not be ready for the offensive firepower the Falcons throw at him. The vaunted Seahawks secondary is in for a long day against Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. I have been wrong about the Falcons all year which means they will probably lose because I am picking them to win easily. Falcons 31, Seahawks 13
TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – There is a reason that Bill Belichick warns that the previous game between these teams does not mean anything. The reason is that the previous game does not mean anything. The Texans are not going to get beat down immediately as they were in the previous game. They are going to come out fighting and may even lead for a while. And then they will get beat down. It’s only a matter of time before the smiling assassin, Tom Brady, rips the heart out of the Texans. Although the Patriots defense has gotten better the second half of the year, they are not to be trusted. Tom Brady can be trusted to throw touchdowns to Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and others (plural). Patriots 41, Texans 24
BYE AT BROWNS – The winners of every fantasy football league in the country are interviewed to be the next head coach, as the comprehensive search continues.
This column is sponsored by the National Organization Of Disorganized People.
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