He was taken to task by some critics who asked, “Do you write the words or lyrics first?”
– The Michael Stanley Band
These 2013 NFL picks are a Fox News Production of our Award-winning series, “It’s Obama’s Fault.” The series won the Fox News Award for Fair and Balanced Reporting.
Today’s show is called, “It’s Obama’s Fault That The Cleveland Browns Never Go To The Super Bowl.” I’m Terry Bradshaw filling in for Sean Hannity, who is on vacation in Benghazi, Libya.
While everyone knows that all real Americans root for the Cleveland Browns, I’ve been told by my producer, Rush Limbaugh, that it’s Obama’s fault that the Browns have been unable to move beyond Factory of Sadness status for more than a decade. And Fox News head of research, Michele Bachman, tells me that… wait, wait!…
Barack Hussein Obama. Barack Hussein Obama. Barack Hussein Obama.
Sean told me that I must say that name three times, and then click my heels together for good luck, in the first two minutes of the show.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, according to research by… oh hell, never mind.
The truth, as I learned from Fox News spiritual advisor Glen Beck, is that the Cleveland Browns are not allowed to go to the Super Bowl. That’s what the Founding Fathers wrote. You can look it up on the Internet. Try this page first.
But even though it’s Obama’s fault that the Cleveland Browns never go to the Super Bowl ever, not even once, this year the Cleveland Browns are going to go to and then win the Super Bowl.
You know you can always trust Fox News, and Fox News says that’s Whatzgonnahappen.
PATRIOTS – Tom Brady has set records with great receivers, and won Super Bowls with weak ones. That’s how much the Patriots will miss Wes Welker and his zero Super Bowl rings. 12-4
BILLS – The Bills have a CJ (Spiller) and and EJ (Manuel). If they get a DJ, they can have a party. 8-8
DOLPHINS – False optimism is hilarious. Ryan Downthehill is not the second coming of Dan Marino. Just ask investigative reporter Mike Wallace around November. 6-10
JETS –Last year, Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez were Ringling Brothers. This year, Geno Smith and Mark Sanchez are Barnum & Bailey. It’s a different circus, but the same clown is running the show. 4-12
BROWNS – Brandon Weeden has the best season for a quarterback in NFL history, and then goes on to star in a movie version of the comic book character, Archie. Browns general manager Mike Lombardi legally changes his first name to Vince. 16-0
BENGALS – The Bengals get second place here because I hate the other two teams more. This is a scientific NFL picks column. 9-7
RAVENS – Joe Flacco spends all his money on cake and ice cream, and then shows up at training camp 100 pounds overweight. Because he can. 8-8
STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger publishes a guide to dating. 6-10
TEXANS – The window for this team feels like it’s closing. They will still be good, but they won’t scare you anymore unless you root for them. 10-6
COLTS – Andrew Luck is going to get exponentially better for the next few years and that’s frightening for all other teams, including the teams he beats in the playoffs this year. 10-6
TITANS – Chris Johnson and Jake Locker visit Graceland, where they are hired as Elvis impersonators. What? Last year, they pretended to be football players. 8-8
JAGUARS – The Blame Gabbert era will end after this year. By November, Tim Tebow will be the Jaguars quarterback because it’s what everyone, and by that I mean me, wants. 1-15
BRONCOS – Peyton Manning will get Wes Welker to say something mean about Tom Brady, and then they will lose to the Patriots in the playoffs because Bill Belichick is always able to be meaner. 12-4
CHIEFS – Adding in a quarterback and a coach to an already talented team helps take the Chiefs to the next level, which happens to be mediocre. 8-8
CHARGERS – Philip Rivers is worth seven wins all on his own. And that’s what he is, on his own. 7-9
RAIDERS – There was a slogan. Commitment to, um, something about a baby, right? Commitment to be a baby… Was that it? 4-12
COWBOYS – Jerry Jones paid Tony Romo and now he wants Romo to use his football mind to help the Cowboys. Romo suggests that Jones fire the Cowboys General Manager for being stupid enough to pay Romo so much money. 11-5
GIANTS – Every other year or so the Eli Manning Giants have a crummy middle of the season and then go on a Super Bowl run., That won’t happen this year. 9-7
REDSKINS – Robert Griffin III is going to be the Dominique Wilkins of the NFL, flashy but not quite Michael Jordan. Plus, he didn’t used to pay attention to his knee. Now, on every play, the first thought in his mind is, “I’ve got a knee.” 8-8.
EAGLES – First of all, the Eagles are going to look stupid wearing those bright Oregon uniforms. Secondly, in that college offense, Michael Vick won’t last any longer than a loser dog at Bad Newz Kennels. Third, this is the NFL. 4-12
PACKERS – Hey Rodgers! Can I get a discount doublecheck on my Super Bowl insurance?
VIKINGS – The bionic man, Adrian Peterson, carries the team until Christian Ponder has to, and he can’t. 8-8
LIONS – Once upon a time, like a year ago, there was hope. But Ndamukong Suh is all headstomp and very little football stomp, and, well, these are the Lions. 5-11
BEARS – Mark Trestman is not leading Chicago to the promised land, unless that is defined as 3 wins. 3-13
FALCONS – Sometimes, it’s just your time. The Falcons are ready for the next step and some playoff wins. Good enough for Matt Ryan to do commercials. Yes, that good. 12-4
SAINTS – Team slogan: Wah, wah, wah. 10-6
PANTHERS – Cam Newton has an MVP season on an 6-10 team. Oh, I meant MVP in your fantasy league. 6-10
BUCANEERS – Darelle Revis is an island. So is Alcatraz. 4-12
49ERS – Anquan Boldin makes Colin Kaepernick look even better than he did last year. 12-4
RAMS – This is the year Sam Bradford arrives with a Show On Turf, if not the Greatest Show. 9-7
SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson comes back to Earth this year. Since he is short, it’s not that far. 7-9
CARDINALS – Putting your offense into Carson Palmer’s hands is like making Lindsey Lohan the star of a Dickens movie. 4-12
FALCONS OVER 49ers
BROWNS OVER COLTS
BROWNS OVER FALCONS
This column is sponsored by the Roger Goodell Brain Injury Research Center.