Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
– Three Dog Night
GLEN BECK: America, I can predict week 2 in the NFL because I am a Fox News star who knows how to be fair and balanced and find unbiased commentators such as Congressman Joe Wilson and tennis star Serena Williams who advised me that if I get angry and scream a lot, anything is possible.
I followed up with them because I heard on the quote-unquote “sports news” – which is unfair and unbalanced – that the Cleveland Browns lost to the Minnesota Vikings in week 1 of the NFL. Then I asked Joe Wilson to watch a replay of the game with Serena Williams and simply tell me the truth. They screamed that the truth is full of ugly lies, so it must be true that the scoreboard operator lied. They yelled convincingly loud!
And since Joe Wilson told me something that I desperately want to believe, and Serena Williams told me that she would use a tennis ball in an unfriendly manner to prove the point, I am passing the dispute about last week’s results on to you as fact. It is a fact that on a planet not currently occupied by Barney Frank that the Browns actually won… just move on, don’t think… but I am telling you that what I think I believe that what I have heard and now come to believe is factual evidence full of facts and I present it to you as irrefutable factual evidence (there’s those words “fact” and “evidence” again… coincidence? I think not!) of a conspiracy reaching the highest levels of our government.
The liberal United States government with its socialist bent is so corrupt that it will not even share the wealth with the Cleveland Browns. That’s communism at its absolute selfish worst. And it’s also clear that President Obama is a color fascist, because he has something against the Browns, who wear orange helmets. He is also a Kenyan, not an American, and I can prove it. Make him run a marathon. If he wins, he’s Kenyan. If he loses, he is a loser. I bet he won’t run a marathon, which is just more factual evidence that he can’t prove he is an American and not a loser.
So our non-American communist fascist loser President lies and has hijacked the standings in the National Football League. Although I hate the Patriots, I am a patriot who won’t sit idly by while the NFL is socially engineered. Please save our country by coming to my tea party and holding a really mean sign, and I’ll tell you exactly whatzgonnahappen.
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – If Hank Stram (1923-2005) and Al Davis (1929- ) were still alive to see their beloved teams, they’d be embarrassed. Chiefs 23, Raiders 20
RAMS AT REDSKINS – The Rams new playbook is the Bret Easton Ellis novel, “Less Than Zero.” Redskins 21, Rams 0
VIKINGS AT LIONS – Adrian Peterson becomes the first person to run a 26.1 mile marathon in one NFL game. Vikings 40, Lions 20
PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Jake Delhomme spends pre-game gift-wrapping footballs to give later to the Falcons. Falcons 24, Panthers 18
PATRIOTS AT JETS – Before the game, Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez watch Zoolander together. Jets 24, Patriots 20
CARDINALS AT JAGUARS – Rumors of the demise of the Cardinals are greatly exaggerated. Cardinals 33, Jaguars 21
TEXANS AT TITANS – I wish these two teams would wear throwback uniforms because Oilers versus Oilers would be cool. Titans 24, Texans 14
BENGALS AT PACKERS – This season’s scheduled avalanche has already started for Marvin Lewis, who has aged like Jimmy Carter during the Iranian Hostage crisis. Packers 40, Bengals 16
SAINTS AT EAGLES – Donovan McNabb wants to play with broken ribs and that shows toughness, but Drew Brees can actually poop touchdowns if he wants. Saints 35, Eagles 31
SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS – One of these teams must fall to Earth this week and I think the 49ers fall on a late big mistake. Seahawks 21, 49ers 20
BUCCANEERS AT BILLS – Leodis McKelvin is named Bills offensive coordinator, a title he unofficially held since Monday night. Bills 23, Buccaneers 17
BROWNS AT BRONCOS – In the halftime interview of the second game, citing a competitive advantage, Eric Mangini refuses to reveal who is the Browns starting quarterback. Meanwhile, EVERYTHING about Brady Quinn says “star NFL Quarterback”… except for his arm and accuracy. Browns 20, Broncos 17
RAVENS AT CHARGERS – While fishing in San Diego, Ray Lewis runs into the first fish that learned to go manning. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers filets the Ravens defense. Chargers 27, Ravens 17
STEELERS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler is going to have a great game, but it’s a tease. Bears 31, Steelers 20
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – On the last play of the game, Tony Romo throws the ball off the giant scoreboard, and then it ricochets of Jerry Jones right plastic cheekbone and then lands in a perfect spiral in the waiting arms of Roy Williams, who scores easily to win the game. Cowboys 24, Giants 20
COLTS AT DOLPHINS – Directions: Chad Pennington throws 10 five-yard passes and gets a field goal. Peyton Manning throws a 60-yard pass for a touchdown. Repeat until finished. Colts 42, Dolphins 18
This column is sponsored by goddamn decorum.