Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home
‘Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter
– The Boxtops
These Week 15 NFL picks are hot! Stolen emails reveal that three rainforests were chopped down to produce these week 15 NFL picks and our SUV-driving employees are required to hold the buttons of two coal-powered aerosol cans during all waking moments.
While world leaders meet in Copenhagen and argue about how to reduce global warming, the staff of this column met in a bar and discussed how best to increase it. We were cold that day.
Ours is a point of view missing from the global warming debate and so we stole our own emails and now we dare to show them to the world. It’s shocking but…
We hate winter. Sure, the cuteness factor makes us want to save the polar bears and penguins. But contrary to premature and therefore misleading press reports, we have not decided to announce whether either tastes very good in our special chili recipe. But speaking of that, our pursuit of methane gas has us serving food that encourages flatulence.
We demand to be heard even if our pursuit of perfect weather must be paired with an NFL prediction site during a week late in the season when a couple of teams are still pursuing perfect records. As Cleveland Browns fans, we are also in favor of climate change in the NFL – although we’ve discovered that it is much easier to change the climate of an entire planet than it is to change the climate of that particular dysfunctional NFL team.
But in week 15, while we expect the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to continue acting like bullying industrial nations, we hold out hope that the Cleveland Browns will stop with the Maldives-of-the-NFL act. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
COLTS AT JAGUARS – I can see the result so clearly it’s almost like I watched the game on television last night. Colts 35, Jaguars 31
COWBOYS AT SAINTS – The movie script calls for the Cowboys to be winning until 3 seconds remain. Then Wade Phillips calls timeout giving the Saints a final chance and then Drew Brees throws a touchdown pass to a wide open Marques Colston. Over the closing credits, coach Phillips shrugs. Saints 31, Cowboys 30
DOLPHINS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson and his ridiculous 6.0 per carry average are not enough to overcome the late game heroics of Chad Henne. Dolphins 21, Titans 14
TEXANS AT RAMS – The Texans are beginning to play their best football while the Rams are continuing to play something other than football. Texans 30, Rams 10
49ERS AT EAGLES – The 49ers are a team of the future while the Eagles are a “now” team. And although it seems to you that the game is in the future, when they actually play it will be “now.” Eagles 28, Rams 21
FALCONS AT JETS – Either an erratic youngster or a limited veteran will start at quarterback for both teams. That’s why I’ll choose the Jets defense. Jets 20, Falcons 14
BROWNS AT CHIEFS – The Browns sack Matt Cassell eight times, of course, while Brady Quinn takes a liking to the Kansas City defense. Browns 28, Chiefs 10
CARDINALS AT LIONS – Today’s special is smoked Lion. Cardinals 42, Lions 6
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – I hear a voice… “Pay no attention to that man underneath the hoodie.” Bills 20, Patriots 17
BEARS AT RAVENS – Jay Cutler throws his first interception during the National Anthem. Ray Lewis eats yellow snow and comes down with a fatal case of yellow-snow-eater’s disease. Ravens 27, Bears 14
BENGALS AT CHARGERS – The Bengals will be emotionally drained. Chargers 35, Bengals 20
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – You make $12 million and Charlie Frye is starting in your place? What is this, Goldman Sachs? Broncos 31, Raiders 3
BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS – After this game on the same channel, Paint Dries and Grass Grows. Seahawks 23, Buccaneers 13
PACKERS AT STEELERS – An actual meaningful game because if the Steelers lose this the quit job from last week was real while if the Packers lose they are just not tough enough to win anything. Steelers 20, Packers 19
VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – Even if Brett Favre throws some more December interceptions, the Panthers can’t capitalize enough. Vikings 24, Panthers 10
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder reshuffles more than a dealer at a casino, but his house never wins. Giants 23, Redskins 20
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