“Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial.”
– Bob Dylan
My sources are scientists using data collected from shamans. The new age is here. Cheese will decide Super Bowl XLIII. It won’t be Roethlisberger cheese.
I originally thought that jobs would decide this year’s Super Bowl between the Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburgh Steelers, but the scientists and shamans assured me that I should be ashamed of such an opinion.
I said that Kurt Warner has to do a good job for the Cardinals to win. They said he has to throw some cheese.
Having lost that particular argument, we all agreed that we need a job. We scanned the Want Ads and quickly realized that the only person in America who is even thinking of hiring anyone is President Barack Obama.
This is our application:
SUPER BOWL MEMO TO BARACK OBAMA: These best ever Super Bowl XLIII Predictions are an application for a new public works grant to employ America’s thinkers. Um, I think.
Just past the precipice of change, pundits and poets, prophets and philosophers, plus people and persons together with some scientists have discovered that cheese will decide Super Bowl XLIII. Therefore, we’d all like a job. (I am the prophet.)
As you know, only America is capable of a Super Bowl. And only an unemployed think tank America is capable of the detail of these predictions.
For instance, although there may have been an earlier public reference to throwing cheese, we actually mean that cheese, as a food substance, will decide Super Bowl XLIII.
One player is going to have a bad cheese stomach. We are unable, as of press time, to conclude which player or whether it will be Swiss cheese or cheddar cheese, but we do know as fact that all data points to cheese allowing Larry Fitzgerald to run free.
So we are smiling and saying “cheese” and asking, please get us in on that bailout thing you got planned and then we’ll tell you the cheesy details of whatzgonnahappen.
PREGAME: Mike Holmgren and Tony Dungy perform Abbott and Costello skits followed by some classic Laurel and Hardy. Meanwhile Ken Whisenhunt’s pre-game speech doesn’t interrupt Kurt Warner’s pre-game prayer for Troy Polamalu to forgive him. John Madden says profound things that you and he won’t remember.
COIN TOSS: After the coin is tossed into the air, Henry Paulson grabs it and runs. As soon as the trillion-dollar debt is paid off in silver dollars, the game begins. Heads. Cardinals receive.
FIRST QUARTER: J.J. Arrington runs past a wave into a brick wall at the 25-yard line. The first play is a trick play and the trick doesn’t work. After trading three and outs, the Cardinals strike first, and second. Willie Parker makes the Steelers appear competent for a time but the quarter ends without Pittsburgh points. Cardinals 10, Steelers 0
SECOND QUARTER: The drive continues and Ben Roethlisberger has a key 12-yard scramble. Yes, I am being that specific because scientists and shamans have told me to and also because I could have written he will throw a 40-yard pass but I didn’t. Remember this the next time you go to a website that charges you for predictions. Cardinals 10, Steelers 7
HALFTIME: For a brief shining moment, there is a glimpse of Bruce Springsteen as working-class hero and then for the rest of the show we get the jump-the-shark iconic stereotype lame “brand” that we get from all the great ones. Cheer America. Look, everyone else is.
THIRD QUARTER: Bruce is gone, but his spirit reigns. The Steelers get the ball and with at least two and more likely three memorable plays, they get to the end zone in unlikely hands. You wanted specifics… scientists and shamans. Anyway, as I (or they were) was saying, that first Steelers touchdown is an unbelievable display of will. And then three and out proves a chance for some Steelers dominance. But they stall for field goals. Twice. Steelers 20, Cardinals 10
FOURTH QUARTER: And on the eighth day, God, eating cheese, created football – specifically this fourth quarter.J.J. Arrington brings the kickoff back to the 50. Kurt Warner smiles. Ken Whisenhunt has the look of a wise hunter. And then Larry Fitzgerald acts as Lyn Swann. Eight seconds later the score is a lot closer. Time is angry at Pittsburgh. If it only moved fast… tick, tick, tick. Instead, the engine stalls and Arizona sees the ball again which means that Larry Fitzgerald visits the End Zone again. The third visit is by Edgerrin James. By then, a Steelers field goal doesn’t matter and Mike Tomlin, searching for answers, contemplates cheese. Cardinals 31, Steelers 23
This column is sponsored by the happy days that are here again.