There’s battle lines being drawn
Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong

– Buffalo Springfield

President Obama: These Week 13 NFL picks are a time of great trial. My fellow Americans, even though no one has ever won in the wasteland known as Week 13 NFL picks, I suggest that Week 13 NFL Picks are winnable. We just need a good plan.

And so just as Richard Nixon had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War, I have a secret plan to win Week 13 NFL Picks. I got the idea from some dinner guests, a nice couple I met recently at the White House, and now I’m going to share my secret plan with you. I have a new vision of peace, more advanced than Woodrow Wilson’s League of Nations. I propose a League of Football Teams – yes this means an immediate surge in teams in the National Football League worldwide.

Therefore effective immediately the Kabul Jackals are the NFL’s newest expansion team in the new Axis of Evil Division with the Baghdad Camels, the Pyongyang Tigers, and the Teheran Cheetahs. The great roving statesman, Bill Parcells, has already agreed to leave the Miami Dolphins and go to Kabul to take over the Jackals. He also had an offer to go to Cleveland but he felt that Kabul would be a safer and a more stable work environment than the organization known as the Cleveland Browns.

Richard Nixon once suggested bringing peace with honor. I am an evolved version of Nixon – I propose peace with football and it starts with Week 13 NFL picks. Think about it. Both Nixon and I inherited a never-ending war from a stubborn Texan. While Nixon tried to bomb his way to peace, I propose bombs and screen passes as a way to world harmony. Here’s the best part: It will only take 18 months. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
JETS AT BILLS AT TORONTO – Mark Sanchez has a hard time figuring out the exchange rate for interceptions in Canada. But a tutorial at the border helps him understand how a Jets jersey looks different than a Bills jersey. Jets 20, Bills 17

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – There’s probably another good game left in the Chiefs this year, but it’s not this weekend. Kyle Orton has more fun than a reality couple on Larry King Live. Broncos 41, Chiefs 10

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Trying a do-the-opposite approach, Jake Delhomme tries to throw interceptions and it works – he throws three touchdown passes by mistake. Panthers 28, Buccaneers 13

SAINTS AT REDSKINS – General Stanley McChrystal goes to the game to study the Saints offense. Saints 58, Redskins 14

EAGLES AT FALCONS – The Eagles are a better and healthier version of mediocre than the Falcons. Eagles 14, Falcons 13

RAIDERS AT STEELERS – Bruce Gradkowski plays the game of his life while Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger bicker about Obama’s health care overhaul. Raiders 29, Steelers 20

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Everybody’s Cinderella, the Texans, have just discovered midnight. Jaguars 28, Texans 21

TITANS AT COLTS – In a game sprinkled with magic dust, Vince Young has more than the Colts. Yes, this is the end of perfect in the AFC. Titans 29, Colts 28

LIONS AT BENGALS – The Lions score the first touchdown of the game and then bad things happen. Bengals 28, Lions 10

RAMS AT BEARS – When Jay Cutler went to the doctor for what has been ailing him, he was prescribed the Rams. Bears 27, Rams 17

CHARGERS AT BROWNS – Brady Quinn catches five passes, runs for 123 yards, and scores four touchdowns. He also completes four of 20 passes for eight yards and an interception, but the Browns win because Eric Mangini is in the bathroom and unavailable when the team needs to make a crucial decision. Browns 35, Chargers 31

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Tony Romo’s greatness is mostly a mirage but it will still look impressive this weekend. Cowboys 30, Giants 19

49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – The 49ers are an example of how a young team can evolve through a season. Unfortunately for them, this game is an example of young team has hiccups at the exact wrong moment. Seahawks 24, 49ers 14

VIKINGS AT CARDINALS –
I keep waiting for Brett Favre to throw three interceptions and he keeps throwing three touchdowns, so if I were you I’d bet on him throwing three interceptions this week because I am definitely picking him to throw three touchdowns. Vikings 39, Cardinals 24

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots are vulnerable and the Dolphins always play the Patriots tough, but the Patriots aren’t that vulnerable… yet. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21

RAVENS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers might want to watch M*A*S*H for pain humor before this game because he’s going take a beating. But he’ll drive for the winning touchdown because Ray Lewis disappears with a couple of Dubai bankers. Packers 23, Ravens 20

This column is sponsored by the new Nike Tiger Woods Swedish Driver .

This article has 1 comment

  1. This is one of your funniest articles of the year. I loved the bit about Brady Quinn. It’s good to be able to laugh once in a while as a Browns fan.

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