We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals
Barack Obama

January 21, 2009 – I am being held hostage by a Cleveland Browns hat in a dark dungeon while in the outside world Arizona Cardinals fans and Pittsburgh Steelers fans revel.

And although I commend President Barack Obama’s overture to stop the torture by freeing the Arizona Cardinal fan from this dungeon, I’d like to remind the new President that there are still two of us left here – me and this other poor sap, the hostage of a Detroit Lions hat.

Neither of us has ever been to the Super Bowl.

I can’t tell if the Cleveland Browns hat and Detroit Lions hat are part of some rogue CIA operation or simply terrorist organizations in their own right. But torture is torture, and seeing one of our gang of three losers chosen to go to the Promised Land is, though inspiring, actually even more torturous.

The guy in the Lions hat, who drinks from buckets of his own tears, agrees.

Final Super Bowl Predictions coming Wednesday January 28.

This column is sponsored by the ideals that light the world.

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