It’s a holiday in Cambodia
It’s tough, kid, but it’s life
– The Dead Kennedys
EDWARD KENNEDY: It’s me, dead Ted here to predict week 1 of the 2009 NFL season. Don’t be alarmed. I’m on a holiday. The Pope arranged for this. He couldn’t promise to get me into heaven but he said he’d allow me to predict week 1 of the NFL as a reward for my good deeds and also as a punishment for my bad deeds. You see, he sent me to this website.
My fellow NFL fans – more than a half century ago, my brother Jack challenged you to ask not what your favorite team can do for you but what you can do for your favorite team. In that time, you have admirably evolved from gray conservative attire to full-on face painting. I commend you, and in the 1980s I may have tailgated with you.
After Jack, my brother Bobby looked at things that never were and asked why don’t the Cleveland Browns ever win the championship. He inspired many people and yet the team never won the Super Bowl.
I found myself becoming the voice of the cause. At first, I stumbled to tell Roger Mudd why I should be the number 1 fan but eventually I realized that work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream of a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl shall never die.
In my final living act, just after I wrote to the Pope asking for his prayers, I wrote to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to steer Michael Vick to the Cleveland Browns because I wanted to see men dressed in the masks of angry dogs cheering for him. But like a lot of my liberal dreams of peace among enemies, it was not meant to be.
And so I say to you as you continue to engage in the great struggle of our time (well, your time… I’m currently taking a dirt nap), that universal health care, equality, and world peace probably aren’t gonna happen so pour yourself a cold one, like me, and let me tell you whatzgonnahappen.
TITANS AT STEELERS – While Vince Young is holding the clipboard, he begins composing his Hall of Fame speech. I’m the only person in the world besides Vince who thinks he’ll actually get to give it. In fact, he’ll be the starter by the end of this season. Steelers 21, Titans 14
EAGLES AT PANTHERS – Week 1 is not always an indicator of where things are going. This week it is. The Eagles are loaded and the “distraction” is not this week’s attraction. Eagles 31, Panthers 10
VIKINGS AT BROWNS – Brett Favre is too jealous of Adrian Peterson to give him the ball. The Browns quarterback – that guy, what’s-his-name – throws five touchdown passes. Browns 35, Vikings 20
DOLPHINS AT FALCONS – Look for entertaining and sloppy, sort of like an old Bill Parcells press conference. Falcons 20, Dolphins 17
LIONS AT SAINTS – Watching the Lions lose is like rubbernecking past a car crash. Saints 42, Lions 14
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Before every Colts game, an announcer will say, “Gentlemen, start the scoreboard.” Colts 31, Jaguars 12
CHIEFS AT RAVENS – A fisherman mistakes Ray Lewis for shark bait. Someone mistakenly put the Chiefs in the NFL. Ravens 24, Chiefs 13
BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Mike Brown makes the logical argument, “Compared to that team, we’re functional.” Bengals 23, Broncos 16
COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Offensive coordinator isn’t important, right? Cowboys 27, Buccaneers 14
JETS AT TEXANS – Mark Sanchez, with three interceptions, discovers honeymoons don’t last. Texans 28, Jets 21
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell discover that Daniel Snyder tried to trade them in with the Cash For Clunkers program. Giants 23, Redskins 14
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Every week needs a good upset and this is where the dart landed. Rams 23, Seahawks 20
49ERS AT CARDINALS – The Bay Area has a billboard fearing Mike Singletary’s face and the words, “I want winners.” Just discovered are the speakers playing the Rolling Stones song, “You can’t always get what you want.” Cardinals 32, 49ers 13
BEARS AT PACKERS – Good karma should go Aaron Rodgers way. Bad karma should follow Jay Cutler like a shadow. So why is karma so full of hate. Bears 28, Packers 27
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Do you remember shock and awe? Patriots 44, Bills 14
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – The halftime show features Tom Cable in a steel cage fight against a grizzly bear on steroids. Yes, steroids. Do you think they’d give a grizzly bear Human Growth Hormones? Anyway, fighting is mandated in Cable’s Raiders contract. Chargers 30, Raiders 20
This column is sponsored by Death Panels.