In this undiscovered moment, lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world, if you would only show us how
Your life is now
– John Mellencamp
I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions. I deserve this. The committee, in its wisdom, recognized my tremendous accomplishment of predicting Cleveland Browns victories. I expect a Grammy and Oscar as well, and I have plans to win the next hot-dog eating contest.
I accept this award as a call to action for the teams that I predict to win to actually win once in a while. If a guy in charge of two wars can win the Nobel Peace Prize, then I see no reason why my failure to accurately predict football games precludes me from the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions.
In fact, I’ve done more than Barack Obama has… I’ve already failed a lot.
This award is not just about my own failures, but it must be shared with the Cleveland Browns, who I continually predict will win even though they are as downtrodden as a one-legged orphan at a family dance party. They strive for justice and dignity and victories but achieve none of the above. So I don’t really know why I won this award. I only know whatzgonnahappen.
COWBOYS AT CHIEFS – Tony Romo goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “Take the Chiefs defense and call me in the morning.” Cowboys 28, Chiefs 20
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – On any given Sunday, the Redskins have the potential to look like the worst team in football. Panthers 24, Redskins 7
VIKINGS AT RAMS – A bored Brett Favre throws three interceptions to keep in interesting but the Rams can’t do anything once they have the ball. And Adrian Peterson runs for four touchdowns. Vikings 28, Rams 0
BYE AT BEARS – Big turnout for the “We beat the Lions” parade down Michigan Avenue.
STEELERS AT LIONS – When good teams play bad, they still win. When the Lions don’t play the Redskins, they still lose. Steelers 23, Lions 20
RAIDERS AT GIANTS – JaMarcus Russell versus David Carr. It’s like a bad horror flick. And the Raiders are like a train wreck inside a horror flick being shown on a flight that is about to crash into an erupting volcano. Giants 45, Raiders 3
BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES – Donovan McNabb forces himself back too soon and almost gives the game to the Buccaneers, except for the fact that they are the Buccaneers. Eagles 37, Buccaneers 14
BYE AT PACKERS – Dom Capers puts out a cookbook for toast. Oh no, wait. That’s his defensive scheme.
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Chad Ochocinco promised a rule rule breaking touchdown dance. He delivers the dance, which breaks all rules because he doesn’t score a touchdown. At halftime, Ray Lewis launches himself into a crater in the moon in the name of scientific research. Ravens 24, Bengals 13
BROWNS AT BILLS – Lebron James agrees to fill in for Braylon Edwards for the rest of the season, sending Derek Anderson back to the Pro Bowl. Eric Mangini, citing strategic advantage, still refuses to name a starting quarterback and only laughs when Brady Quinn asks if he can wear his Braylon shoes out the door too. Browns 27, Bills 20
FALCONS AT 49ERS – After playing the Rams last week, the 49ers get confused when they see an NFL team across the field. Falcons 21, 49ers 17
BYE AT SAINTS – Drew Brees has a seven-point plan for the bye week.
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – Josh McDaniels, who is new to Denver, is about to discover that when you go too far out on the Orton lookout, you fall off the Belichick cliff. Patriots 33, Broncos 16
JAGUARS AT SEAHAWKS – David Garrard plays three quarters of great football followed by a meltdown worthy of talking about on The View. Seahawks 25, Jaguars 23
TEXANS AT CARDINALS – It’s breakout week for Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald because the Texans have to adjust from the playground ease of playing against JaMarcus Russell. Cardinals 39, Texans 22
BYE AT CHARGERS – Norv Turner has a half a glass of milk. It looks half empty.
COLTS AT TITANS – This is the week that Jeff Fisher turns, with success, to Vince Young. Titans 23, Colts 14
JETS AT DOLPHINS – Braylon Edward drops a hint that he might drop by to drop something off and borrow a drop cloth, so don’t drop the ball and be sure to catch Braylon before he eventually drops out of sight. Dolphins 20, Jets 17
This column is sponsored by future accomplishments.