I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
The United States Department of Um, created by Texas Governor Rick Perry, would like to celebrate our 3-day anniversary by offering these Week 10 NFL picks and, um.
This Department doesn’t care if Donovan McNabb fails any more than if Philip Rivers fails. The one NFL player this Department wants to fail is…. Well actually, this department has no records of which player it wants to fail. Sorry, oops.
The Department, by direction of the Founding Fathers, according to our records, pledges full faith that the Cleveland Browns are about to win the Super Bowl because… Actually, maybe the Department believes the Browns are never going to win the Super Bowl. Much of the Department’s mandate is unknown.
The Department of Um has only had time to evaluate half of the games it is picking. Rest assured that those games were studied thoroughly and the predictions of those games are based on sound data. Those are the games to really bet on. Unfortunately, Department computers that stored which games have been studied have been irreparably damaged.
There is this announcement. The Federal Department of Um is pleased to honor Albert Haynesworth as the best prepared NFL player of first half of the 2011 NFL season.
Finally, the one thing that the the United States Department of Um wants to know is, um, whatzgonnahappen.
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Thursday games periodically help my accuracy. It’s peculiar, and hard to explain. Raiders 24, Chargers 17.
RAMS AT BROWNS – The Browns are destined to dominate the Aquarian Age, which started on 11/11/11. Okay, how about the Browns, with 3 wins, are three times better than the 1-win Rams? How about the Browns are able to tackle Steven Jackson? Yeah, I didn’t think you’d buy that one. The best I’ve got is the Age of Aquarius. Browns 20, Rams 17
STEELERS AT BENGALS – I may have to remember to hate the Bengals instead of just ridiculing them. Can anyone help me with this? Bengals 26 Steelers 17
SAINTS AT FALCONS – Darren Sproles will torch the Falcons but Julio Jones proves he was worthy of the number 6 pick in the draft. Falcons 27, Saints 24
TITANS AT PANTHERS – An old quarterback on his last legs against a young quarterback who has potential to be the best in the NFL. Panthers 21, Titans 17
BILLS AT COWBOYS – The Bills looked like their old selves last week but that was a blip, or I don’t know anything about finding a bandwagon. Bills 28, Cowboys 21
JAGUARS AT COLTS – The Colts are not losing every game, even though they’d like to lose very game. Colts 24, Jaguars 20
BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – What happens when one roller coaster races another roller coaster? This week, the one carrying the holy roller wins. Broncos 29, Chiefs 23
REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Who wants Andrew Luck when Matt Moore is your roster? Dolphins 20, Redskins 13
CARDINALS AT EAGLES – It’s better if the Eagles almost make the playoffs. So sure, they win this week. Eagles 29 Cardinals 10
TEXANS AT BUCCANEERS – Ben Tate and Arian Foster will stop and offer ice cream to Albert Haynesworth on their way to the end zone. Texans 27, Buccaneers 20
RAVENS AT SEAHAWKS – So now Joe Flacco is Joe Cool? Wrong. Snoopy is Joe Cool. Joe Flacco is an average NFL quarterback. Meanwhile, invited to lunch with the candidate, Ray Lewis was the third person Rick Perry meant to tell that the soup was poisoned. Ravens 24, Seahawks 17
LIONS AT BEARS – I don’t trust either quarterback in this statement game. I do trust Detroit’s defense. Lions 20, Bears 12
GIANTS AT 49eRS – I’ve seen lots of coaches try to write a story like the Alex Smith story – a bust saved by new coaching. Jim Harbaugh has actually pulled it off. Amazing. Plus, Frank Gore helps. 49ers 24, Giants 17
PATRIOTS AT JETS – One one hand, Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of a generation. On the other hand, I am still bitter that he cut Bernie Kosar. On that same hand, he hasn’t won a Super Bowl without Tom Brady or Lawrence Taylor starting for him. For that reason alone, the Patriots deserve to lose their third in a row. Jets 28, Patriots 14
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Maybe Brett Favre will make a comeback for this one. Packers 41, Vikings 20
This column is sponsored by Joe Paterno School of Ethics.