The preacher said, ‘You know you always have the Lord on your side’
And I was so pleased to be informed of this
That I ran twenty red lights in his honor
– Rolling Stones
These Week 1 NFL Picks by me, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, are 100 percent correct. It will not matter what happens in the games. I am right.
Trust me. I’ve read one book. I’ve seen one football game. I like one football team.
When God called me the other day on my county clerk red telephone, my God hotline, He told me that the Cleveland Browns would not lose a game this season. That’s what I heard, not the Fax machine noise nonbelievers have said I would have heard from that phone number.
God also told me in that phone call that despite any Earthly evidence I might be presented, I was righteous to believe in my heart that the Cleveland Browns have never lost a game – ever.
There’s not room for anyone on Earth who doesn’t believe as I do. I swear, I’ll go to jail standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan.
What’s that? I’m going to jail for standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan? No, you can’t be serious. That’s not whatzgonnahappen.
STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – The Steelers jump to a two-touchdown lead when the Patriots radio reception interceptor, designed by freelancer Edward Snowden, is tuned to the wrong channel. By the end of the game, the Snowden thing works just fine. Coach Belichick says, “Ask Tom.” Patriots 42, Steelers 20
PACKERS AT BEARS = By haltime, John Fox can’t stand Jay Cutler. Most in Chicago are surprised it took that long. Packers 37, Bears 22
CHIEFS AT TEXANS – Brian Hoyer now has a Texas swagger, and a defense to go with it. Texans 27, Chiefs 13
BROWNS AT JETS – All staff for the Browns except for coach Mike Pettine is suspended. A guy working at a New Jersey gas station, because it was his turn, punches Geno Smith in the face. Danny Shelton is an immediate star. Josh McCown plays like Johnny Unitas. Browns 33, Jets 7
COLTS AT BILLS – Rex Ryan’s defense flusters Andrew Luck until the fourth quarter. Tyrod Taylor outplays Luck until the fourth quarter – the Lucky fourth quarter. Colts 29, Bills 27
DOLPHINS AT REDSKINS – The Washington Redskins have become so dysfunctional that owner Daniel Snyder agrees to rename the team, Washington Politicians. Dolphins 26, Redksins 13
PANTHERS AT JAGUARS – This game was engineered for September, when both these teams still have valid false hope. Panthers 23, Jaguars 17
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – This is how a Super Bowl heartbreak hangover begins. Rams 21, Seahawks 13
SAINTS AT CARDINALS – The Saints will get on a roll this season, but the Cardinals will start on a roll. Cardinals 32, Saints 24
LIONS AT CHARGERS – Gentlemen, start the scoreboard. Chargers 51, Lions 44
TITANS AT BUCCANEERS – Prior to the game, Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston go out for crab legs. Jameis Winston to Mike Evans is going to be fun to watch, while rookie mistakes by both quarterbacks may not be as fun. .Buccaneers 12, Titans 9
BENGALS AT RAIDERS – The Bengals get to start the season with a road win that is the symbolic of the early season mirage they are. Derek Carr regresses. Bengals 44, Raiders 9
RAVENS AT BRONCOS – I am starting this year thinking that Peyton Manning is older than Archie Manning. I reserve the right to go back to the future, but for now… Ravens 23, Broncos 13
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – If the Giants win, Jason Pierre Paul will be having a fireworks party. It should be a fun party. Bad Comedian Eli Manning will be there. He wrote this column. Giants 26, Cowboys 20
EAGLES AT FALCONS – Sam Bradford is the perfect quarterback for Chip Kelly’s system, for the first drive. After that, not so much. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones play for the highlight reel, three times. Falcons 30, Eagles 10
VIKINGS AT 49ers – Just before the game, the popcorn vendor retires. It’s that kind of year in San Francisco. Vikings 19, 49ers 6
This column is sponsored by Tom Brady’s Lawyer’s New Slogan – We Deflate Court Cases