I went back to Ohio
But my city was gone
– The Pretenders
These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.
Ohio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.
And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.
But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.
The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen.
BROWNS AT BENGALS – The Bengals jump out to a quick 13-0 lead in the first quarter while Brian Hoyer listens to “Johnny B. Goode”. Sufficiently pumped, Hoyer’s mind enters the game midway through the second quarter.. Browns 31, Bengals 13
TITANS AT RAVENS – Zach Mettenberger is surprised to find out that “Dude!” is not one of the Titans plays. Ravens 30, Titans 17
CHIEFS AT BILLS – Most weeks, I say I don’t believe in the Bills and then they win. This week I don’t believe in the Bills, so if I were you I would bet on them. Chiefs 23, Bills 20
DOLPHINS AT LIONS – I trust Matthew Stafford more than I trust Ryan Tannehill, but I trust that guy who always lies to me more than I trust either one Lions 29, Dolphins 10
49ers AT SAINTS – Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? Saints 28, 49ers 21
STEELERS AT JETS – I’d bet that someone in Pittsburgh in the last two weeks has said that Ben Roethlisberger is better than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. I remember when I had my first beer. Jets 24, Steelers 20
COWBOYS AT JAGUARS AT LONDON – Jerry Jones demands to be knighted. If Tony Romo plays, he’s a knight. If Brandon Weeden plays, good night. I hear from my sources on the Internet that it is Romo. Cowboys 27, Jaguars 13
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – This is a classic division battle of a 2-6 team versus a 1-7 team. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 20
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Peyton Manning is in a bad mood against a bad team. This makes for a bad game. Broncos 55, Raiders 25
RAMS AT CARDINALS – So this week’s consensus is that the Cardinals are the best team in the NFL, eh? Well, even I can join that kind of consensus for one week. Cardinals 27, Rams 17
GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – The person who told me this will be a close game showed me the deed he has on the Brooklyn Bridge. Seahawks 32, Giants 13
BEARS AT PACKERS – The Bears are pretty horrible, except when they aren’t. The Packers defense helps the Bears not be horrible, but not enough to help them win. Packers 35, Bears 27
PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Mark Sanchez shows that Chip Kelly can plug in quarterbacks the way that the Denver Broncos used to be able to plug in running backs. Yes, Buttfumble McGee is going to look like a star this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 23
BYE AT COLTS – Andrew Luck tunes up his Amish buggy.
BYE AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater joins Skinny Anonymous.
BYE AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers sells his Philip Rivers jersey and buys a Johnny Manziel jersey because he wants to be popular.
BYE AT REDSKINS – Democrats in Congress send a lame duck good luck to Robert Griffin III .
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Billl Belichick and Tom Brady audition for True Detective,
BYE AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallett prepares what he is going to say after his first three-interception game.
This column is sponsored by fear of those I don’t understand.