You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch
– The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
These week 15 NFL Picks by Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cleveland Browns fan, have already seen three ghosts and a Donald Trump speech, but nothing scares me. I still hate Christmas.
The ghosts I saw were Browns failed first round pick Braylon Edwards, Browns failed first round pick Courtney Brown, and Browns failed first round pick Justin Gilbert. None of them are in the NFL anymore.
What? Gilbert is still currently on the Browns? Okay, now I’m scared.
So as you stare at the photo of my hero, Art Modell, and my other hero, Dick Cheney, you should know that I do have the Christmas spirit when it comes to Tiny Tim Cratchet.
I hope he plays a good game at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
BUCCANEERS AT RAMS – The Rams uniforms look like urine, so the Buccaneers don’t tackle them. Rams 31, Buccaneers 21
JETS AT COWBOYS – At halftime, Brandon Weeden highlights are shown and his memory is retired. Cowboys 24, Jets 23
BEARS AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater has already peaked. Jay Cutler never did or will, but he does have occasional good games. Bears 32, Vikings 18
FALCONS AT JAGUARS – How bad is it in Atlanta? Kyle Shanahan misses RGIII. Jaguars 27, Falcons 12
TEXANS AT COLTS – My backup quarterback is better than your backup quarterback, said no one. Colts 20, Texans 17
CHIEFS AT RAVENS – When this game is over, the Ravens are going to think they ran into a limo with Ray Lewis inside. Chiefs 32, Ravens 12
BILLS AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder sings Christmas Carols in Navajo. Bills 23, Redskins 20
TITANS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick pays off Rudolph to skip Tennessee completely. Rudolph tells Santa the GPS failed, then takes Belichick’s money and goes on a reindeer bender. Patriots 42, Titans 9
PANTHERS AT GIANTS – New York is the logical place where the undefeated season ends. Giants 22, Panthers 21
BROWNS AT SEAHAWKS – Johnny Manziel essentially has your drunk Uncle Bob from Christmas dinner as his main weapon. He outplays Russell Wilson. It’s Christmas week, so Wilson surely knows that it is God’s plan. Browns 34, Seahawks 24
PACKERS AT RAIDERS – There was a time recently when the Packers were bad and the Raiders were good. That time is over. Packers 30, Raiders 20
DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Last game ever in San Diego? Oh well, let’s go surfing. Dolphins 17, Chargers 12
BRONCOS AT STEELERS – It is Christmas week and I don’t want the Steelers to win. This is my column. Broncos 23, Steelers 20
BENGALS AT 49ers – Blaine Gabbert is the best quarterback in this game. But it doesn’t matter. Bengals20, 49ers 6
CARDINALS AT EAGLES – The Cardinals are one of the best teams in the NFL. The Eagles are in the NFL Cardinals 31, Eagles 20
LIONS AT SAINTS – Both these teams had dreams of playoffs. In retrospect, it was sort of cute. Saints 30, Lions 29
This column is sponsored by world peace, wrapped in a bow.