Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
– The Rolling Stones
These week 17 NFL Picks have hacked the NFL standings and now the Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Yeah, we’re crazy serious!
We can do anything. Johnny Manziel is now officially a giant among men. That’s right. Don’t mess with us!
So Patriots fans, Seahawks fans, Packers fans…. sorry, but your Internet is down. Plus, and this is crucial for understanding us… We love exclamation points!
Use google, you doofuses! You’ll figure out that great football is Cleveland Browns football. Nothing else matters, certainly not the movie, “Draft Day,” which we should have hacked. But we like the movie, “Giant” because it is about Johnny Manziel.
One more thing. Happy Holidays. Sorry but nothing that you got for Christmas works. Certainly not Johnny Manziel!
And another thing. We’re not North Korean and the Browns aren’t really undefeated. This is surprising to you, and especially to us.
We are Cleveland-based sports hackers. We can prove it. Although we still don’t have the NFL code figured out, we did the code for Lebron James. You didn’t think that would work, did you?
Okay, that’s not true either. The truth is that we actually work for Justin Bieber. Dude loves vandalism, and he’s a big fan of Johnny Football. He is certain by next year that we’ll have this NFL code figured out.
In one year, Johnny Manziel will lead the Browns to the Super Bowl and Justin Bieber will be the halftime show. This is true. Only a real hack would declare that that’s whatzgonnahappen.
BROWNS AT RAVENS – This is such a mismatch, someone should call in NATO. The Ravens have no answer for Connor Shaw, my new favorite Cleveland Brown ever. Browns 31, Ravens 20
BEARS AT VIKINGS – This meaningless game is about Teddy Bridgewater, who is on his way up, and Jay Cutler, who is on his way out. Cutler plays great, proving to be the ultimate conundrum.
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Expanding his sports, JJ Watt hits for the cycle and he also has a triple double. Texans 24, Jaguars 13
COLTS AT TITANS – The prescription from Andrew Luck’s doctor says, “Play the Titans.” Colts 34, Titans 20
CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – The Chargers are the better team if they are both playing their best, but the game is in Kansas City. The Chiefs are the better team. Chiefs 24, Chargers 20
JETS AT DOLPHINS – When the game ends, Rex Ryan heads straight to Key West. Dolphins 27, Jets 13
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady plays the first half. Jimmy Garoppolo looks like the best quarterback of the last draft. Patriots 29, Bills 17
EAGLES AT GIANTS – If only the year began every year in December for the Giants. If only it ended in late October for the Eagles. Giants 26, Eagles 13
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Who dat headed to the golf course? Well, at least the Saints know how to beat a bad team. All the Buccaneers know how to do is be a bad team. Saints 31, Buccaneers 20
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – Despite one decent game, the Redskins are still the Redskins. And the Cowboy look seriously awesome. Cowboys 36, Redskins 19
PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Win and go to the playoffs to get destroyed and then pick something like 22nd in the draft. Lose and don’t go to the playoffs and pick 9th in the draft. The smart team loses. Falcons 24, Panthers 20
LIONS AT PACKERS – It would be so cool to see the Lions go far into the playoffs. Just like it would be fun to have a unicorn. Packers 29, Lions 20
RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks at home. Nuff said. Seahawks 25, Rams 13
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – I am always watching for the sky to fall with old quarterbacks. Earlier this year, I saw it falling on Tom Brady. I was wrong. Now I see the sky falling on Peyton Manning. Raiders 29, Broncos 19
CARDINALS AT 49ers – The 49ers take the field singing the Michigan fight song. That never works. Cardinals 17, 49ers 13
BENGALS AT STEELERS – The Steelers are obviously the better big game team. The game is in Pittsburgh. Andy Dalton always chokes. But while I hate both teams, I hate the Steelers more. Bengals 24, Steelers 23
This column is sponsored by old acquaintances I’ve forgotten.