Isis oh Isis you mystical child
What drives me to you is what drives me insane
– Bob Dylan
These week 2 NFL picks are worried about members of ISIS playing in the NFL. Most likely, they are running backs. And there is good chance they play for the Baltimore Ravens.
As President Obama said recently, you can’t erase every trace of evil from the world. But we must be vigilant because these NFL players are unique in their brutality.
People want to change the name of the Redskins? Hell change all the names. Who you got this week: the Baltimore Wife Beaters or the Minnesota Child Abusers? Personally, I still love the New England Murderers.
Seriously, NFL, it’s time to create a new award: The OJ Simpson Trophy.
The President said America needs to degrade and destroy the enemy with a comprehensive and sustained strategy. That may work overseas, but it would never work in the NFL Much too powerful.
All terrorists know one thing: barbarism sells. That’s what happens, what happened, and, unfortunately, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ad in Baltimore Sun: Have you left dead or unconscious bodies lying around? Please contact the Baltimore Ravens Human Resources department regarding our opening for a designated criminal. Must be named Ray. Ravens 26, Steelers 6
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Terry Pegula bought the Buffalo Bills for $1.4 billion. Billionaires should not drink tequila. Dolphins 24, Bills 17
LIONS AT PANTHERS – Cam Newton loses Donkey Kong to Ndamukong Suh three times, but still drives the team for a win. Panthers 27, Lions 24
SAINTS AT BROWNS – Once upon a time, Kurt Warner bagged groceries, and Tom Brady was a sixth round draft pick. Yes, that’s the kind of journeyman Brian Hoyer is. He’s dialed in now, and outplays the great Drew Brees, who Johnny Manziel says is too short. Browns 31, Saints 29
JAGUARS AT REDSKINS – This feels like the game when Chad Henne reminds people he is not the future, and Robert Griffin III teases that me still might be. Redskins 27, Jaguars 10
PATRIOTS AT VIKINGS – Murderers versus Child Abusers. Child Abusers are at home. You don’t want to go into a Child Abusers home, do you? Not unless you’re a murderer. Patriots 34, Vikings 13
COWBOYS AT TITANS – Jerry Jones wishes he could get a quarterback like Jake Locker. Actually, Jerry Jones wishes his the young lady he just fondled could play free safety. Titans 27, Cowboys 23
CARDINALS AT GIANTS – I’m neither buying that Eli Manning’s career is over or that Carson Palmer is all that. Giants 26, Cardinals 10
FALCONS AT BENGALS – This is a September Super Bowl matchup because it won’t be a February Super Bowl matchup. Bengals 29, Falcons 20
SEAHAWKS AT CHARGERS – I know, I know, the Seahawks are clearly the greatest team ever. Better than Lombardi’s Packers, right? Well, I live to be a contrarian. Chargers 17, Seahawks 14
RAMS AT BUCCANEERS – This game will matter a lot when the NFL draft is held. Rams 10, Buccaneers 9
JETS AT PACKERS – The Packers offense struggled against Seattle’s defense. The Jets defense will not cause any problems. Packers 35, Jets 25
TEXANS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr will have JJ Watt nightmares for a decade, yet he still finds a way to win. Calling Ryan Mallet… Raiders 24, Texans 17
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning continues to prove that last year was not a mirage, while the Kansas City Chiefs prove exactly the opposite. Broncos 42, Chiefs 20
BEARS AT 49ers – The player nicknamed “No Tolerance for Domestic Violence,” Ray McDonald, has two sacks. 49ers 26, Bears 13
EAGLES AT COLTS – Gentleman, start the scoreboard. And historians can work on a new little chapter on the legend of Andrew Luck. Colts 40, Eagles 38
This column is sponsored by Blinders, the Official Eyeglasses of the NFL