Well what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for a rock ‘n’ roll band
‘Cause in a sleepy London town
There’s just no room for a street-fighting man
– The Rolling Stones
These Week 6 NFL Picks by Bernie Sanders are sick of hearing about the damn Patriots’ deflated balls and inflated scores.
As I have traveled this great country, I have met thousands of people worried, instead, about the Cleveland Browns. The system is rigged, they say. The Cleveland Browns don’t have a chance.
The real Americans that I have met are demanding that we get to the serious business of the redistribution of power to the less fortunate in the NFL, namely the Cleveland Browns.
I was once asked if I believe in capitalist quarterbacking. Well, I don’t believe in casino quarterbacking. One real American, after hearing that Johnny Manziel is drinking again, suggested the Browns should change their slogan from “Play Like A Brown” to “Drink Like A Brown.”
In fact, many of those I have met who are concerned about this issue seem to have drank like a Brown. One person suggested that the team leads the NFL in giving no-name players on the opposing team the best game of their careers. “Look it up!” he shouted, shoving me in the chest, as if he was Donald Trump.
The shouting, shoving person actually was Donald Trump, who is a Browns fan and said he plans to vote for me. He said he is doing everything he can to help me win. I believe him.
As you know, I am a Democratic Socialist, which by definition means that I am morally right about most everything but I don’t have a shot in hell to win in America – just like the Cleveland Browns. So I understand where Donald Trump and those like him stand.
I relate. I am sad and delusional, just like all Browns fans.
Ladies and gentleman, the system IS rigged. That’s how I know whatzgonnahappen.
FALCONS AT SAINTS – This crystal ball looks as clear as if this game already happened. Thank you, Walmart! Saints 31, Falcons 21
BRONCOS AT BROWNS – Josh McCown, throws a touchdown and is injured on the first play. Johnny Manziel comes in and calls the play, “Johnny Walker Red, Tequila Shot Right, Double Budweiser 40-Ounce, Double Pour, Do It Again.” The greatest play in NFL history. Browns 43, Broncos 24
BENGALS AT BILLS – Okay fine. The Bengals are good. Will this make the bacon gods happy? (This is a private religious dispute, don’t pay any attention… but who knew bacon gods were Bengals fans?) Bengals 26, Bills 17
CHIEFS AT VIKINGS – Two trains passing in the night. The red one seems about to crash into a mountain. Vikings 32, Chiefs 22
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Brian Hoyer begins another six-or-so game run to make Deion Sanders think he’s worth $100 million. Texans 30, Jaguars 20
BEARS AT LIONS – The word from heaven is that Cecil the Lion feels sorry for the football team from Detroit. Bears 23, Lions 20
REDSKINS AT JETS – Kirk Cousins makes it very clear that he really loves the Jets secondary. He makes it clear four times. Jets 20, Redskins10
CARDINALS AT STEELERS – The Cardinals come in like a well-oiled machine made of steel, while Michael Vick plays like a dog. Cardinals 30, Steelers 13
DOLPHINS AT TITANS – New Dolphins head coach Dan Campbell immediately transforms the team from a mushy group of losers into a tough-talking group of losers. Titans 23, Dolphins 10
PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks secondary and 12th man are having a down year. Richard Sherman needs to get Stephen A. Smith out of his stomach, and the 12th man probably needs to switch from coffee to beer. Panthers 27, Seahawks 17
CHARGERS AT PACKERS – The United Nations has been alerted that this game is taking place. Packers 44, Chargers 20
RAVENS AT 49ers – A “Go Fund Me” campaign has been set up for both of these teams. The Ravens are closer to Washington D.C., while the 49ers are closer to Silicon Valley. I’m going with the sleazy friends of crooked politicians having more money than genius innovators. Ravens 32, 49ers 17
PATRIOTS AT COLTS – The final investigation of deflategate reveals that Bill Belichick actually orchestrated it in order to motivate his team to win 17 games in a 16-game season. This game counts as two wins. Patriots 112, Colts 3
GIANTS AT EAGLES – Chip Kelly casually mentions to everyone that he has always loved college, and he really loves USC. He’s in such a good mood that his team has begun to play well. Eagles 31, Giants 30
BYE AT COWBOYS – Brandon Weeden tells people he did not get a fair shot with the Yankees.
BYE AT RAIDERS – The Raiders seem to have a legitimate future. No joke.
BYE AT RAMS – Todd Gurley’s tour as the best running back in the NFL has just begun.
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Lovie Smith petitions the NFL, asking to play Jacksonville or Detroit every week.
This column is sponsored by Global Warming’s Greatest Hits.