Now you know how to be dumb
Are you ready to take your place
In the modern museum of mistakes?
– Elvis Costello
Hey, John Boehner of Ohio here with your week 6 NFL picks, and saying it’s time for the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl or I will break the world’s economy.
I can do it, you know. I almost want to do it.
Yes, I won’t fund the government until the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.
No, I’m not giving in.
Instead, let me tell you at story that isn’t true but seems so to me. Decades ago, during the Nixon administration, a law was passed authorizing the Pittsburgh Steelers to be better than the Cleveland Browns.
Both houses of Congress voted on it again recently. I know that President Obama signed legislation authorizing the Pittsburgh Steelers to be better than the Cleveland Browns again, as usual. I believe he called it Obamacare.
I am also painfully aware that the Supreme Court, and the Super Bowl, upheld this opinion, over and over.
But those days are finished. Look, no one gets paid until I get my way.
Ever since I started acting like this, the Cleveland Browns have been winning. The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost every game so far this year. My strategy is working – perfectly.
In truth, I couldn’t tell you who plays quarterback or running back for the Browns from week to week. So what? Our players don’t have Obamacare. If we don’t like their now-existing condition, we heartlessly move on.
My way or the highway is such a simple compromise. Well, actually, the highway is closed, but you know what I mean and now you know whatzgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT BEARS – Three important facts: 1) The Giants are horrible now, but… 2) Jay Cutler is Jay Cutler, he can’t help it, plus… 3) Sixteen games is a long season. Giants 24, Bears 17
PACKERS AT RAVENS – The people who pay Aaron Rodgers get their money’s worth. The people who pay Joe Flacco get Joe Flacco. Packers 30, Ravens 20
EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – At halftime, Nick Foles plays Mike Glennon in one-on-one basketball. Eagles 20, Buccaneers 17
STEELERS AT JETS – Broadway Geno throws a couple of touchdown passes and that’s all the Jets need against a horrible Steelers team. “Horrible Steelers team” sure is fun to type. My fingers are giddy. Jets 17, Steelers 13
PANTHERS AT VIKINGS – Christian Ponder sees Josh Freeman sipping wine and playing Sudoku on the sidelines. So he throws three touchdown passes, just to mess with him. Vikings 24, Panthers 13
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Okay, I surrender. The Chiefs will go undefeated and I take back all the things I said about Andy Reid last season. He is smarter than Einstein on brain steroids. Chiefs 27, Raiders 20
RAMS AT TEXANS – Getting sacked and throwing interceptions is as good as it gets for Matt Schaub these days. Rams 20, Texans 17
BENGALS AT BILLS – I am a Thad Lewis fan. I am serious. Bills 22, Jets 20
LIONS AT BROWNS – The best 30-year-old failed minor league baseball pitcher quarterback in the NFL, Brandon Weeden, says his favorite animal is a deer in the headlights. Browns 40, Lions 19
TITANS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are nearly invincible at home. Ryan Fitzpatrick should start having nightmares early. He would be smart to get started before the game. Seahawks 33, Titans 20
JAGUARS AT BRONCOS – Remember Rocky? Remember Hoosiers? Remember reality? Broncos 147, Jaguars 6
SAINTS AT PATRIOTS – Gronk is back. Or is that, how’s Gronk’s back? Tom Brady is actually one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL this year. But Gronk is back and the Saints are traveling for the second week in a row. Patriots 34, Saints 31
CARDINALS AT 49ers – The Cardinals should be able to stop the 49ers running game, forcing Colin Kaepernick to make big plays. For the first time this year, he looks like he did last year. 49ers 24, Cardinals 17
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – The Washington Redskins change their name to the Washington Politicians so people can finally root for the Politicians. Cowboys 30, Redskins 24
COLTS AT CHARGERS – Andrew Luck is becoming one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. But this week, he won’t be the best in this game. Hey, any given Sunday. I give you this one. Chargers 29, Colts 19
BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan trademarks the name Matty Jello.
BYE AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill gets sacked three times.
This column is sponsored by Gentically Modified Government.