I went back to Ohio, but my family was gone
I stood on the back porch, there was nobody home
I was stunned and amazed
My childhood memories slowly swirled past like the wind through the trees
Way to go, Ohio
– The Pretenders
These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.
I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.
Mitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.
Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.
But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.
This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.
The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?
But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen.
BUCCANEERS AT VIKINGS – Some prognosticators see the future. I see the past. Buccaneers 36, Vikings 17
CHARGERS AT BROWNS – The best prescription for a Browns team that does not know how to win is to play a team coached by Norv Turner, because that guy knows how to lose. The offense is due to explode, and the Lerner black cloud is fading away. Browns 32, Chargers 21
BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis decides during his rehab by trying to beat Felix Baumgartner’s skydiving record by jumping out of a plane without a parachute or a pressure suit. It inspires the defense, and it shows.
SEAHAWKS AT LIONS – Russell Wilson has struggled on the road and the Lions desperately need a win. But I am a contrarian. Plus the Seahawks just feel like the better team. Seahawks 24, Lions 17
JAGUARS AT PACKERS – By the end of it, the United Nations passes a resolution condemning the Packers. Packers 53, Jaguars 13
BYE AT BILLS – Ralph Wilson, who is now 94 years old, will be running the scout team in practice because that’s what owners do.
DOLPHINS AT JETS – It’s almost like Rex Ryan is deflated this year. No, it’s exactly like that. Dolphins 20, Jets 17
PANTHERS AT BEARS – Last year, Cam Newton was on top of the world. This year, he’s been possessed by Vince Young. He makes Jay Cutler look like a happy guy. After this game, Jay Cutler will be a happy guy. Bears 23, Panthers 10
BYE AT BENGALS – Mike Brown’s plan is working perfectly. His plan? Don’t have a plan.
FALCONS AT EAGLES – The undefeated Falcons have beaten a bunch of average teams. The Eagles are an average team. You do the math, because I failed math. Eagles 23, Falcons 20
COLTS AT TITANS – I hear there is a new Chris Johnson zombie movie out. Titans 25, Colts 23
BYE AT TEXANS – The Texans offense refuels its unmanned drones.
PATRIOTS AT RAMS IN LONDON – Why is this game in London? I hope they don’t send us soccer games. Patriots 31, Rams 21
REDSKINS AT STEELERS – I like RGIII. I hate the Steelers. Las Vegas doesn’t give you logic like that. Redskins 27, Steelers 20
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Maybe the Chiefs can run on the Raiders, but not enough. Brady Quinn plays garbage time for the Chiefs… the rest of the season. Raiders 31, Chiefs 17
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Eli Manning is at the peak of his career, calm and confident. And the Giants look like they are rolling. Giants 31, Cowboys 27
SAINTS AT BRONCOS – The Saints are getting on a roll but nevertheless, gentleman start the scoreboard. On your mark, get set, kickoff. Get down in the starting blocks for the sprint. 45, Broncos 42
49ers AT CARDINALS – Two pretty good teams that are pretty hard to figure out except that this game probably isn’t going to be pretty. 49ers 14, Cardinals 9
This column is sponsored by weather reporters freaking out.
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