Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that’d been away
Haven’t changed, had much to say
But man, I still think those cats are crazy
– Thin Lizzy

According to a new explosive book, the guy who writes these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks is a clueless unstable fool who likes an NFL team just because they wear orange on their head.

This book, called, “The Coach Should Be Fired, The Fans Are Furious” claims the childish writer of this column is so prone to crazy whims that he will cheer for any shitty quarterback who happens to wear a Cleveland Browns uniform.

And get this. This book claims that this column will predict the Browns to win this weekend, even though the Browns are not in the NFL playoffs, and barely in the NFL.

Yes, the book is about life inside my little white house. The author is a jerk.

The author, I think, is also vengeful and sneaky. Duplicitous even. He got his way into my good graces, and then turned on me. But forget that. I deny I even know the author of this book. Never met him.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

Still, I am proud as well as paranoid. This is because of President Donald J. Trump, America’s supreme leader and the only president ever with the same hair color as the burnt orange of the Cleveland Browns helmet. He is my hero, as he is yours because he is, in his own words, “a very stable genius.”

Because of President Trump, I do not believe the fake news that claims the Cleveland Browns went 0-16 this season. No one could believe such lies.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

I believe that, just like Trump, the Cleveland Browns have been winning bigly. His one year in office, like the Browns past two years (1-31 record, according to the fake news) in the NFL, has been awesome. I, literally, am in awe.

But back to that explosive book. This column (yes, I am the author who was granted unprecedented access to the idiot’s life) has spent a year embedded inside this moron’s white house, and it is clear that everyone around him hates him.

Those people are just like you, his faithful reader(s), who read this (the only plausible reason) to increase your own sense of superiority. He has no clue, but I am on to you and them, and him.

“He roots for the Browns,” said one anonymous source, who looked just like the columnist’s lovely, long-suffering wife – except for the large nose, big glasses, and a thick black plastic mustache.

“He hasn’t seen a real NFL game in more than 20 years,” said the anonymous source. “He’s not qualified for this. The only thing he does anymore is say, ‘Bernie Kosar was better than this.’ He says it all day long.”

That’s not all I do. Sometimes I hit myself in the head with a hammer and say I can’t wait to see whatzgonnhappen.

TITANS AT CHIEFS – The last run of Alex Smith in Kansas City continues. Chiefs 23, Titans 21

FALCONS AT RAMS – Jared Goff is already better than Matt Ryan. Rams 34, Falcons 26

BILLS AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles has more ability to lose a game than Tyrod Taylor. Bills 23, Jaguars 13

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees realizes he needs to brand himself like Tom Brady, AKA Tom Cruise. Saints 30, Panthers 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick hires the Kardashian family.

BYE AT EAGLES – Nick Foles looks everywhere for his lost lucky charm.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin teaches his weekly yoga class.

BYE AT VIKINGS – Case Keenum takes it one day at a time.

BROWNS IN HELL – Nothing to see here. Everything is fine. There’s even going to be a parade!

This column is sponsored by the group, formed in January 2016, Atheists Praying

This article has 268 comments

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