Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribble lines
– Pink Floyd
These Wildcard Weekend NFL picks hereby resolve to be nice. We are dieting too. Oh hell – you are a jerk, and we want pie.
Okay, how about this… We resolve to pick the Cleveland Browns to win this weekend. They will not lose, say we. We will lose… weight. We are dieting.
We are on a roll. We resolve that all the money that we win on the bet we bet we made on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl will be invested in Johnny Manziel-Brand Vodka. The vodka is destined to be a success. The Browns, not so much.
About that. We still resolve that we believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this year’s Super Bowl. And that’s why my New Year’s resolutions fail by January 1st of every year.
So let me eat this cake, and this pie, and tell you and every other moron out there whatzgonnahappen.
CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Is it weirder to have a team with their third string quarterback advance in the playoffs or to have a team with a losing record advance in the playoffs? Answer: It’s weirdest to have a team with a losing record in the playoffs, but now that they’re in, I hope they go all the way. Panthers 24, Cardinals 17
RAVENS AT STEELERS – This will be a fun game to watch if you are not like me and don’t hate both teams. Both quarterbacks should have big days as neither team has much of a secondary. Flacco’s best is better than Roethlisberger, but Roethlisberger is much more clutch, especially in Pittsburgh. When I open my eyes and quit vomiting, the score will be… Steelers 35, Ravens 31
BENGALS AT COLTS – Marvin Lewis is a worse playoff coach than Marty Schottenheimer. Plus Andy Dalton is a complete choke artist. And Andrew Luck is awesome and already had a game for the ages last year in the playoffs. So this is easy to pick, right? That’s why it scares me enough to go with Lewis and Dalton and against he-who-can-do-no-wrong, Andrew Luck. Yes, I am playing a stupid hunch in the first week of 2015. That’s how I roll… often off a cliff. Bengals 30, Colts 20
LIONS AT COWBOYS – My fingers are numb as I type that Ndamukong Suh and the rest of the Lions won’t much matter as the Cowboys look like a real power this year. The Lions in the playoffs? It sort of feels like a Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez. Meanwhile, Tony Romo is destined not destined to break any hearts in Dallas until maybe the last minute of the Super Bowl. Cowboys fans can dream, can’t they? Cowboys 29, Lions 16
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady restructures his Uggs contract.
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Marshawn Lynch spends the week appreciating you asking that.
BYE AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers buys insurance from Progressive because he has the hots for Flo.
BYE AT BRONCOS – In his annual pre-playoffs ritual, Peyton Manning talks to himself in the mirror like Stuart Smalley: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me!”
BYE AT BROWNS – Johnny Manziel throws a “Wreck This League” party at his apartment with everyone else in fifth grade.
This column is sponsored by New Year’s Revolutions.