– Bob Dylan

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The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.”

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.”

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PREGAME: Keith Urban tweets a duet with fans on smartphones around the world. Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem, but when she gets to the line, “the home of the brave,” Maurice Jones-Drew runs on the stage like Kayne West and asks if she means Jay Cutler too?

COIN FLIP: “Hold on,” says the referee. “We’re trying to borrow a coin from China.” When they finally locate a coin, both Clay Mathews and Troy Polamalu call “Hair.” Packers ball, by a hair.

FIRST QUARTER: Aaron Rodgers drives the Packers to the Steelers 20 and then tosses an interception to Polamalu. Ben Roethlisberger can’t be found at the beginning of the game because he’s in the bathroom with a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Standing guard outside the bathroom is Brett Favre. Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Big Ben for the first six minutes of the game. When Roethlisberger returns, he proves adept at handing the ball off to Rashard Mendenhall. Packer 0, Steelers 7

SECOND QUARTER: Aaron Rogers hits the fleet and sure-handed B.J. Raji on a deep out pattern for 25 yards. On the next play as Donald Driver crosses the middle, James Harrison tries to give a clinic on helmet-to-helmet hits. But the receiver quickly and legally (like the Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Johnson) changes his name to “Donald Duck.” In fact, the Packers score two touchdowns and a field goal, mostly on the arm of their quarterback. James Starks discovers that a Steel Curtain has descended. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger hates long-haired blond linebackers. Packers 17, Steelers 10

HALFTIME: The Black-Eyed Peas dedicate their hit, “Let’s Get Retarded” to the First Amendment, the Tea Party, everyone waving a Terrible Towel.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THIRD QUARTER: After taking the kickoff to the 31, Roethlisberger starts throwing to tight end Heath Miller. Someone with a cheesehead commences nervously eating their hat. By the time Hines Ward catches a two-yard touchdown pass, the hat is gone. There is only a cracker. At this point, defense takes over for both teams. Just before the quarter ends, Brett Favre tries to sneak into the Packers huddle wearing a Groucho Marx nose and glasses. Packers 17, Steelers 17

FOURTH QUARTER: Fox shows a promo for their reality show, “Bart Starr Punches Terry Bradshaw in the Nose.” John Madden returns for a cameo: “Pow!” he says.  On the field, the game turns into a battle of field position and stalling offenses. Each team punts three times. Each team misses one field goal. It is time to test the new overtime rules.  Packers 17, Steelers 17

OVERTIME: The Steelers get the ball first and drive to the 18. On fourth and 4, the Steelers kick a field goal and Ben Roethlisberger starts yelling, “I’m going to Disney World!” But Ben wasn’t on the active roster when the team explained the new overtime rules. After a touchback, the Packers start at their own 20 and Rodgers throws four complete passes in a row to drive to the Steelers 20. On each pass, Harrison just misses getting to Rodgers. On each pass, Polamalu just misses an interception. Rodgers is doing it on purpose. He is penalized for taunting. With the ball at the 35, he hits Donald Driver in the back of the end zone. The ball flies one inch over Polamalu’s reach.  Packers 23, Steelers 20

POSTGAME: Brett Favre interrupts the presentation of the Lombardi trophy to announce he is ending his retirement. Bears fan Barack Obama tells the Packers they are not welcome at the White House.

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This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.

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The obvious solution to America’s problems is to repeal the 2010 NFL season, and start the race to the 2011 NFL Conference Championship games over again.

Favorable ratings for this NFL season are down to four cities. That’s not a majority of Americans. That’s elitist.

What about the Patriots? Must the Patriots go the Super Bowl Store like everybody else? And the Saints? My God, they are Saints!

Conference Championship games without representation are tyranny. My favorite team is not represented. I am calling for second-round draft choice solutions. Would you like some tea? Oh I’m sorry, I threw the tea in the ocean. Have some tap water.

I actually want to repeal the season because I am in favor of the public option to go to the Super Bowl. I am a poor Cleveland Browns fan. It’s clear that my team is not going to make the Super Bowl without public assistance.

If America shows some responsibility and reaches out and helps, someday my favorite team will win the Super Bowl. Repeal the season! I want my NFL back to how it was in the 1950s.

I know that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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PACKERS AT BEARS – General Lee and General Grant would be on different sides. The history books say that Lee was a Cheesehead. The Hatfields and the McCoys would certainly root for different teams. And while the Midwest quakes like an artery full of bratwurst, the opening quarter will belong to Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. And so will the third quarter. By the fourth quarter, Aaron Rodgers will discover that the ghost of Brett Favre hasn’t left completely. Matt Forte goes up the middle more than a groom on his wedding night. Bears 24, Packers 21

JETS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger and Rex Ryan conduct a foot etiquette seminar in the locked bathroom of a Taco Bell. Afterward, both agree that the fantasy was better than the awkward reality. After Troy Polamalu returns Mark Sanchez’s third pass for an pick-six touchdown, Sanchez settles down. Ben Roethlisberger never looks comfortable all game, and he underthrows Mike Wallace as if he was Morley Safer. Meanwhile Sanchez has two key third quarter throws to Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes to set up Midtown Manhattan limousine ride, I mean a touchdown. Jets 20, Steelers 17

BYE AT BROWNS – What are these playoffs you speak of? I am sorry, I am not from your country.

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This column is sponsored by an investment from China.

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I did not just ride in here on a snowflake. I am a snowflake. I am a flake with the best NFL Divisional picks in America.

I am a flake leading the snowflake movement. We have NFL Divisional pick rallies featuring harsh rhetoric and blowhard wind. But don’t blame us when snowmen go bad.

Snowflakes, as you know, influence the NFL. Before and during the playoffs we hold conventions, known by the technical types as clouds, and we decide where to fall.

We hate domed stadiums and we especially hate the Minnesota Vikings for signing Brett Favre. We hate the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns too. But remember that those teams play on Lake Erie; the Bermuda triangle of the North. And yes, the triangle pays us a royalty so, in fact, we collaborate.

We hate a lot of things. But we love mittens. And mittens rhyme with kittens. So go on, try to argue with that logic. Yeah, that’s right – snow is righteous because of our logic so if you argue you’ll find yourself shoveling out. See? See? It’s all from the prophecies of a really old book, so it must be absolutely true because… well, because that book is so old.

But now it is the playoffs and it’s time for this flake to pick NFL Divisional games. First, we wonder should we fall on any games at all? To us, it’s an existential question until it becomes one of logistics.  Sometimes, it’s hard to rally the flakes.

We’ve had to outsource to China. It’s embarrassing, but only to us flakes. For instance, on January 19, 2002 most of the snow falling in New England came from China. That’s right, Bob Kraft brought in Chinese snow for the tuck rule game. We actually created the tuck rule. Shh. Few people outside of the everyone in the media have ever heard this before.

This year, we flakes are thinking of causing a fumble unless we can find a new rule to help the Patriots win. We’re scouring the rule book because we are snow and we like New England. Fist bump! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

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RAVENS AT STEELERS – This is my own private playoff hell – a game between two teams spawned by the gridiron Satan. While Ben Roethlisberger and Ray Lewis are football’s Lucifer twins, the game itself is full of fire and brimstone. So when Ray Lewis comes down with fatal gout,  Ed Reed plays as if he has extra feet, just like he was taught by Rex Ryan. But it’s the other safety, the shampoo pitchman, who makes the biggest play of the game. Steelers 20, Ravens 17

PACKERS AT FALCONS – As much as I thought I’d pick the Packers, my Watergate source tells me that BC will sweep the NFC. Therefore yes, you already know whatzgonnahappen in the next game down. Listen, I know people who know people and those people told my people that these playoffs like most of sports history for the past few years will revolve around Boston athletes. Matt Ryan went to Boston College. Aaron Rodgers didn’t. That clinches it. That and Michael Turner. Falcons 31, Packers 28

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Matt Hasselbeck went to Boston College. Jay Cutler cannot spell “college.” The Seahawks are now on a epic roll and Marshawn Lynch has clinched his place as an NFL films folk hero. I could watch replays of his run last week 50 times in a row and never get bored. So yes, I am pumped and jacked about Seahawks and their college coach, Pete Carroll, who used to coach in Boston so that’s more of that New England karma that seems to be everywhere in sports these days. Seahawks 27, Bears 21

JETS AT PATRIOTS – In the first quarter, Rex Ryan scores on power sweep. On the next series, Bill Belichick takes a screen pass from Tom Brady and goes all the way. Rex Ryan was right. This game is all about Ryan versus Belichick. In fact, the Jets performance in the game is a reminder to the NFL world that one coach is an actual football genius while the other had a reality TV show. Patriots 30, Jets 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Browns fans celebrate that they haven’t lost in the playoffs in years.

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This column is sponsored by United Hobos of America.

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I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.

I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!

You see, I have a big gavel. That’s what she said. No, really, that’s what she said.

So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.

I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.

So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!

With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – In the first quarter the Saints offense is a drop from the faucet, while Matt Hasselbeck makes this game look like a relative of Buster Douglas. But by the end of the game, Drew Brees has the ball flying all over the field as the drip becomes a fire hose of activity. The Seahawks are who we thought they were. Saints 34, Seahawks 20

JETS AT COLTS – Rex Ryan has a plaque on his desk. He bought it at a flea market, and it misquotes Teddy Roosevelt as saying: “Speak loudly and carry a small stick.” Santonio Holmes should have a big day but look for Mark Sanchez to complete more big passes to the Colts than to his own receivers. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning laughs every time the Jets blitz. Colts 26, Jets 14

RAVENS AT CHIEFS – Fireworks are shot off and a 3,000 birds fall from the sky and land on Ray Lewis. While most everyone is discounting the Chiefs as too young and inexperienced, I’m a believer. Look for some Matt Cassell heroics after a Joe Flacco late interception. Chiefs 23, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT EAGLES – After a dream season, Michael Vick will have offseason Clay Mathews nightmares. Aaron Rodgers throws three touchdown passes and the Eagles are karmically punished on a special teams play for once being snow wussies. Packers 31, Eagles 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Winning means attention to detail. Patriots rookies are given three-pages on how to brush their teeth in the post-season.

BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan watches Stuart Smalley tapes.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin is a fan of Jersey Shore because his quarterback is like a character from the show.

BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler spends the week trying to remember the difference between uniform colors.

BYE AT BROWNS – The same movie keeps repeating.

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This column is sponsored by the US Constitution, except that one part.

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These week 17 NFL picks resolve to call for the voluntary execution of Tucker Carlson.

Since the bow-tied alleged nimrod Tucker Carlson made clear that he thinks Michael Vick should have been executed, these week 17 NFL picks think Tucker Carlson should consider getting executed for thinking that, or, in fact, anything. Can I get a witness?

Yes, it is a circle and I understand. But if you want these week 17 NFL picks executed, you’re going to have to get in that line to the right. This column’s favorite all-time athlete is the XFL star who went by the name, “He Hate Me.”

So bring it charlatan, bow-tied Tucker Carlson. There, I just gave away a line from a future hip-hop gangsta rap hit. That’s gold, baby!

But I must digress from my innocent execution number-one-hit-with-a-bullet fantasies, because I now realize that every year at this time we sadly think about the people who have died instead of wishfully thinking about the people who could have been executed.

Well, except for Tucker Carlson and this column. Every week for years in this column, Ray Lewis has died. It’s gotten to the point where ideas are solicited on how to kill him. This makes this column in tune with Tucker Carlson completely. There is no way to pretend otherwise.

Thus, this is an open invitation to Tucker Carlson to get together and plot who should else should be executed. Unless, that is, he is offended by the dream of him volunteering just to show whatzgonnahappen.

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PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Jimmy who? Andrew Luck will be better than Matt Ryan, so there! Falcons 27, Panthers 13

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis is mentally executed by being forced to watch the unfathomable Tucker Carlson. Bengals fans know the feeling. Ravens 31, Bengals 10

STEELERS AT BROWNS – In the first quarter, with successive helmet-to-helmet hits, James Harrison knocks out the Browns starting wide receivers, tight end, and right guard. But he always misses Colt McCoy by six inches. Browns 24, Steelers 21

VIKINGS AT LIONS – I wonder if the Joe Webb historic continuous game streak will continue?  Lions 14, Vikings 13

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs win if they don’t get injured. If you don’t play, you don’t get injured. Raiders 30, Chiefs 10

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady plays the first quarter and throws four quick touchdown passes. Then Brian Hoyer throws four more in the next three quarters. Patriots 56, Dolphins 9

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – The game plan calls for the Saints to rally from behind. Yes, it’s by design. Saints 27, Buccaneers 20

BILLS AT JETS – Hard knocks is losing to Buffalo just before the playoffs. Bills 20, Jets 17

BEARS AT PACKERS – Canceled because of snow. Packers 33, Bears 10

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Is the general manager of Jacksonville considered “green” for recycling Trent Edwards? Texans 23, Jaguars 19

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember that time Jeff Fischer wore a Peyton Manning jersey? So if the Titans beat the Colts, Jeff Fischer still gets fired. But the Colts miss the playoffs and Jim Caldwell gets fired. That would mean Peyton Manning needs a coach. Colts 30, Titans 10

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Tucker Carlson and Vlad The Impaler sit in their usual seats. They really are a cute couple. Eagles 26, Cowboys 20

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Eli Manning is indecisive. He can’t decide whether he wants to fumble or throw an interception. Redskins 22, Giants 20

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Norv Turner wears a Wade Phillips mask on the sidelines. Tim Tebow points to the sky. He sure likes clouds! Broncos 27, Chargers 24

CARDINALS AT 49ers – I wonder if you could make a legal case that this isn’t really an NFL game? 49ers 23, Cardinals 10

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Playoffs? Playoffs? Really? Rams 24, Seahawks 20

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This column is sponsored by prosprayerity.

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These holiday week 16 NFL picks are 50 percent off. But wait, there’s more – you get an organic free-range concussion, and a life-size poster of Mitch McConnell if you order now.

We’ll also thrown in a used fake-Ginsu knife, and a cupcake-stained orange snuggie if you call in the next 15 minutes to order these super hot week 16 NFL picks.

These week 16 NFL picks are the best you can find anywhere in America. This product has consistently picked the New England Patriots to win, and the Carolina Panthers to lose. With results like that, how can you go wrong?

But wait, there’s more. If you order in the next 15 minutes, we’ll give you a toe ring worn by Rex Ryan, and a genuine Bill Belichick hoodie. Who wouldn’t want signature mementos from the two best coaches in the AFC?

But wait, there’s more. In the holiday spirit, we think you’ll love these week 16 NFL picks so much that we are offering a guarantee of satisfaction. So here it is: If you are not completely satisfied, we’ll be surprised. We guarantee it.

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

PANTHERS AT STEELERS – The Salvation Army can’t help the Panthers. Steelers 31, Panthers 13

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS – John Skelton plays well enough to make Jerry Jones want him because his last name reminds him of when he looks in the mirror. Cowboys 26, Cardinals 19

TITANS AT CHIEFS – Someone told me that Randy Moss is on the Titans. That’s hard to believe. Chiefs 23, Titans 14

RAVENS AT BROWNS – “On Ray Lewis” is where Santa tells the reindeer to go to the bathroom. The Browns treat the Ravens the same way. Colt McCoy makes a late MVP run. Browns 31, Ravens 20

49ers AT RAMS – The AFC West has been renamed The High School Division. Rams 20, 49ers 19

REDSKINS AT JAGUARS – Daniel Snyder should not have fired Marty Schottenheimer. What, about eight fires ago? Jaguars 30, Redskins 10

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – The Bills are one of the best bad teams in recent memory. The Patriots young defense is vulnerable. But Tom Brady is Tom Brady. Patriots 42, Bills 17

JETS AT BEARS – Like the 12 days of Christmas, Jay Cutler and Mark Sanchez show 12 ways to screw up in a football game…“and an interception at the goal line.”  Bears 12, Jets 9

LIONS AT DOLPHINS – If a Lion fought a Dolphin on land, the Lion would win. Lions 24, Dolphins 20

TEXANS AT BRONCOS – Tim Tebow is about to make Bobby Douglass famous again. Broncos 23, Texans 21

COLTS AT RAIDERS – Darren McFadden almost ruins Peyton Manning’s great day. Colts 25, Raiders 22

CHARGERS AT BENGALS – There are different kinds and stages of dysfunction. Chargers 32, Bengals 10

GIANTS AT PACKERS – The Giants go for it on every fourth down as Tom Coughlin refuses to punt. Packers 23, Giants 20

SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS – Pete Carroll’s Seahawks need boosters. Buccaneers 26, Seahawks 20

VIKINGS AT EAGLES – Brett Favre introduces his dog, Checkers, and declares, “You won’t have Brett Favre to kick around anymore.” Eagles 33, Vikings 12

SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Tipping Point for the Falcons is not yet here in the NFC. Saints 26, Falcons 23

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This column is sponsored by the search for tinsel.

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Dear Santa,

I believe in you. That’s why I tripped the opposing prognosticator as he was running to the liquor store. But I don’t think I’ve been naughty. I adapted to my environment.

Now I am unemployed, so please bring winning week 15 NFL picks because I am giving potatoes as Christmas presents this year. Not Mr. Potatohead. Potatoes. Well, one potato each – except for the twins, who must share.

Look Santa, I know that you will bring touchdowns to Tom Brady like you bring riches to rich people, but can you please put some winning week 15 NFL picks under my tree. I know I don’t actually have a tree. Pretend my hat is a tree.

As you know, Santa, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I’d like to thank you for bringing Colt McCoy back because Jake Delhomme was making me think you didn’t exist. But I am more than a Browns fan. I am American, so it would make me very happy if you and the elves could bring rent money. Pretty please, plus groceries on top!

A job would be great too, but I understand you have limitations. It’s not like you’re the Easter Bunny.

Still, it’s almost Christmas! I am so excited that rich people got a tax cut. I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.

49ers AT CHARGERS – Even though the final score will end up Chargers 34, 49ers 7, I am sticking with my original prediction of… Chargers 36, 49ers 10

CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Each coach stands on the sideline ringing a little bell. Panthers 15, Cardinals 13

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to play for either of these teams while they are owned by these two knuckleheads. I was on Willie Nelson’s tour bus when he sang it that way. I think that’s how I remember it. Cowboys 26, Redskins 19

CHIEFS AT RAMS – The Chiefs have been in trouble ever since they cut Matt Cassell’s appendix from the roster. Rams 27, Chiefs 6

EAGLES AT GIANTS – While performing The Nutcracker on the 1-yard line, DeSean Jackson is stripped of the ball and denied a game-winning touchdown. Giants 27, Eagles 24

TEXANS AT TITANS – Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson exchange Christmas presents. “A knuckle sandwich? That’s what I got you!” Titans 24, Texans 23

JAGUARS AT COLTS – Peyton Manning discovers the NFL needs an aging quarterback who throws interceptions. Jaguars 27, Colts 22

SAINTS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis is gift-wrapped too tight to breathe, so he certainly can’t catch Drew Brees. Saints 29, Ravens 19

BROWNS AT BENGALS – Colt McCoy is already the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Of course, Brady Quinn once held that job. Browns 40, Bengals 20

LIONS AT BUCCANEERS – When a game is close, bad teams find a way to lose. Buccaneers 24, Lions 20

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is better than Chad Henne. Bills 23, Dolphins 17

FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS – The 11-2 Falcons against the 6-7 Seahawks. Yes, a classic battle of first-place teams. Falcons 28, Seahawks 14

JETS AT STEELERS – Santonio Holmes has a big game, prompting Ben Roethlisberger to wonder why his team can’t ever get guys like that. Jets 20, Steelers 17

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Tim Tebow’s first pass is a touchdown. So the Raiders start out winning 7-0 and the game finishes… Raiders 59, Broncos 0

PACKERS AT PATRIOTS – Matt Flynn starts for the Packers. Tom Brady starts for the Patriots. The cliché would be bringing a bazooka to a knife fight. Patriots 48, Packers 3

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen are put on the Vikings roster for this cold weather game. Vikings 30, Bears 27

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This column is sponsored by Mistle Tofu.

– Eminem

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These week 14 NFL Picks are a cowardly compromise. Everyone knows that compromise is for wussies.

The President wanted only those gambling less than $250,000 on the New England Patriots to have access to these week 14 NFL picks, but the Republicans demanded that every rich crazy gambler who likes the Carolina Panthers also get access to these week 14 NFL picks – known colloquially as the Bush-era week 14 NFL picks.

Of course, it’s a complicated issue. The Republicans reluctantly agreed to extend failed gambler benefits to middle class Cleveland Browns fans for 13 more months. If the Browns don’t win the Super Bowl in that time, no one knows what’s going to happen to those poor people. But failed gambling banks were given a tarp, which provided a lot of cover for bets on the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals.

Washington is so complicated these days. Albert Haynesworth is a $100 million nonfunctioning earmark, and Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a bureaucratic hack.

Do I mix metaphors? Sure. Why do I do it? It’s a compromise.

Without compromise, who knows whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT TITANS – I’m pretty good picking the Thursday games. And apparently Peyton Manning has not yet morphed into Brett Favre.  Colts 30, Titans 28

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Panthers fans are counting on Jimmy Clausen to bring them Andrew Luck. It’s a good plan. Falcons 25, Panthers 17

RAIDERS AT JAGUARS – The Raiders new team mascot is Sybil. Jaguars 24, Raiders 16

BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – Thank God Albert Haynesworth’s unemployment benefits have been extended. Buccaneers 21, Redskins 18

PACKERS AT LIONS – Look, Aaron Rodgers is playing a video game! Packers 37, Lions 13

BENGALS AT STEELERS – It’s a heartwarming story when Ben Roethlisberger takes a beating like Joe Frazier used to give out. Steelers 27, Bengals 14

GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre takes the first snap from a wheelchair with oxygen hooked up and a catheter installed (photo available on Deadspin). The streak lives. Giants 23, Vikings 19

BROWNS AT BILLS – Peyton Hillis scores four touchdowns and Josh McDaniels is put in the Cleveland Browns Ring of Honor. Browns 31 Bills 20

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Anyone named Smith is qualified to quarterback the 49ers. Seahawks 21, 49ers 20

RAMS AT SAINTS – Sam Bradford will have some fun against that Saints defense, but Drew Brees has been acquiring rehabilitated weapons faster than North Korea. Saints 35, Rams 25

DOLPHINS AT JETS – The Jets took a bye last week so they should be ready for the Dolphins. Jets 28. Dolphins 10

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Brodie Croyle has nightmares that he will play like Brodie Croyle. Chargers 48, Chiefs 10

PATRIOTS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler will tell his grandchildren about the one day he outplayed Tom Brady. Bears 24, Patriots 17

BRONCOS AT CARDINALS – Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson share a laugh. Broncos 23, Cardinals 12

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – As Don Meredith wisely told Cowboys fans, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over.” Eagles 40, Cowboys 20

RAVENS AT TEXANS – Joe Flacco is not as good as everyone but me says he is. The blood Ray Lewis is drinking goes down the wrong pipe. Texans 26, Ravens 19

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This column is sponsored by The Federal Confusion Act.

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Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT EAGLES – At halftime, Andre Johnson fights Manny Pacquiao. Eagles 30, Texans 20

SAINTS AT BENGALS – In the reality show language that the Bengals traffic in, the Saints will treat the Bengals like Sarah Palin treats a halibut. Saints 35, Bengals 21

BEARS AT LIONS – When everyone starts saying the Jay Cutler Bears are playing great, they are sure to lose. Lions 24, Bears 17

49ers AT PACKERS – The Mike Singletary post game press conference has Coors Lite commercial written all over it. Packers 50, 49ers 12

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – As an early Christmas present, Charlie Weiss gives Josh McDaniels a Notre Dame tie. Then Romeo Crennel gives McDaniels a Cleveland Browns coffee mug. Afterward, they make plans to watch the Patriots game. Chiefs 31, Broncos 28

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Jake Delhomme sees that the offensive game plane calls for his first three throws to be interceptions. “Get them out of the way early,” says Coach Mangini. Browns 33, Dolphins 22

BILLS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings call on Touchdown Toby Gerhart to run over the Bills. Vikings 28, Bills 19

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – The Wikileaks site revealed that Donovan McNabb is actually a diplomatic spy who spends more time concentrating on espionage than studying the playbook. Giants 25, Redskins 18

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The brilliant Randy Moss left Tom Brady for Rusty Smith. That is a hilarious sentence. Jaguars 21, Titans 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Proclamations that Jason Campbell is the savior were premature. Chargers 33, Raiders 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Karma means losing by a last second field goal. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 21

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson cracks me up. Rams 24, Cardinals 12

COWBOYS AT COLTS – So it’s all over for Peyton Manning, huh? Colts 29, Cowboys 19

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jimmy Clausen plays just well enough to make the Panthers think about passing on Andrew Luck. Good luck with that. Seahawks 27, Panthers 23

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ed Reed intercepts Ben Roethlisberger and scores on the last play of the game. Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Ravens 27, Steelers 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick and Rob Ryan plan to remake all of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movies. Patriots 27, Jets 25

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This column is sponsored by Qatar Guitars & Gutters.

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These week 12 NFL Picks can’t dance, but they are related to a turkey. For those of you hating on these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey, now is your last chance to shoot your television before these NFL picks flip you the middle finger.

Let the dancing begin. First up are Brad Childress and Brett Favre dancing to the song, “Taps.” Gosh, that was inspirational.

Now, Vince Young and Jeff Fisher will perform a literal version of The Nutcracker. Ouch.

Finally, these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey are going to perform a lovely dance in which one is going to die, get cooked, and then eaten. Sort of like the previous two dances.

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

PATRIOTS AT LIONS – Lion at Thanksgiving again? Aw Grandma, can’t we ever have a turkey? Patriots 34, Lions 20

SAINTS AT COWBOYS – Wade Phillips is reincarnated as a dead turkey, and then as the recurring spirit of this year’s Cowboy’s team. Saints 36, Cowboys 13

BENGALS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez won’t need to climb out of a phone booth this week. Jets 27, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Schadenfreude is a good word. Redskins 23, Vikings 20

STEELERS AT BILLS – The Bills lose the game, but first take turns slapping Ben Roethlisberger upside the head. Steelers 23, Bills 14

TITANS AT TEXANS – Vince Young is replaced by Neil Young. Texans 26, Titans 19

JAGUARS AT GIANTS – Eli dives and doesn’t fumble. Maurice Jones-Drew discovers what it is like to be tackled. Giants 25, Jaguars 18

PANTHERS AT BROWNS – Peyton Hillis carries the balls 35 times. The Browns quarterback, whatshisname, hardly needs to throw. Grandma suffers a high ankle sprain delivering the turkey. Browns 28, Panthers 19

BUCCANEERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis makes it over the river, but he doesn’t get through the woods. Surprisingly, the Ravens don’t get to Grandma’s house either. Buccaneers 23, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BEARS – Mike Vick running reckless is scary. Fun, but scary. I predict he plays less than MVP-like this week. Bears 24, Eagles 21

PACKERS AT FALCONS – If Brett Favre hadn’t sucked all the oxygen out of the media, someone would have noticed these two young quarterbacks. Packers 26, Falcons 24

DOLPHINS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders confuse me, but I’m now a Richard Seymour fan. Raiders 19, Dolphins 16

CHIEFS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll tars and feathers himself as an inspirational halftime stunt. Seahawks 26, Chiefs 13

RAMS AT BRONCOS – Brady Quinn is named the Broncos starting, um, waterboy. Tim Tebow is named Tim Tebow. Broncos 24, Rams 20

CHARGERS AT COLTS – After God created beer, He invented the NFL. Games like this are why. Chargers 29, Colts 27

49ers AT CARDINALS – No one is giving thanks for this game. Yeah, Happy Thanksfornothing. Cardinals 10, 49ers 9

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This column is sponsored by stuff that happened 20 years ago, and alcohol.